Page 80 of The Widow and the Orcs

Noone at the table seemed surprised by any of this, suggesting thatJulehad shared it all already — soLouisakept at it, speaking faster now. “Iwant to support the camp,” she said firmly. “Iwant to face and address these risks, and ensure the camp’s security and long-term viability on my property.However” — another deep breath — “Ineed support.Ineed to have peopleIcan trust close at hand.Andrespectfully,Iwould like to haveKillikandUlfarr.Permanently.”

Andyes, that was it,Simon’sbrow deeply furrowing,Drafli’smouth pursing,Rosa’seyes widening, andJuledarting an uneasy look towardSimonandMaria. “Ofcourse we understand that,Louisa,”Julefinally said, with a wincing half-smile. “Especiallysince you’ve recently become, er,closewithKillikandUlfarrboth.Butthere are a few challenges there, you understand, and…”

“Yes,Iunderstand perfectly,”Louisasaid, maybe louder than was warranted. “Iunderstand thatUlfarrhas been convicted of several serious crimes, and is still serving his sentence.However,I’dstill like to make this request, based on his good behaviour, and his good work at the camp.Hisgood work withme.”

Therewas more silence, more raised brows and exchanged looks around the table, andLouisadrew in more breath. “Alongwith allUlfarr’swork at the camp, and on my property,” she continued, “he has been a great help to me, personally.I’mnot sure how much you’ve heard of my deceased husband, or my dealings withLordKasparafterwards, butIhave” — she drew in another breath, more shaky this time — “Ihave struggled.AndI’vebeen — very lonely, and very uncomfortable with men, and with my past, for a long time.AndUlfarr—”

Ohgods, was she really going to say this, was she going to announce this to all these orcs she’d just met, to the leaders ofKillikandUlfarr’sclan — but yes, yes, she was.Shewas alive.Shewas whole.Shewas speaking her truth.

“Ulfarrhas been — wonderful,” she said, her voice hitching. “He’sbeen so respectful toward me.Sopatient, and so careful, and so kind.He’smade me feel so — safe.At— peace.Ina wayIhaven’t felt in a long, long time.”

Herthoughts flashed back toSkai-kesh again, to that promise of peace, and it was enough that she could draw in a breath, keep speaking to all those watching, judging eyes. “UlfarrandIboth entered this — relationship — on the understanding that it was only for a limited time.Itwasn’t meant to be a permanent agreement, andIcertainly wasn’t ever planning to become his — mate.So” — another deep breath — “if you feel it’s best that our personal relationship doesn’t continue, under the terms of his sentencing,Iwill honour that.However,Istill would prefer to haveUlfarrandKillikat the camp, over any others.Iwould still feel — safer.Moreprepared to defend the camp, and faceRikard, and whatever else might come.”

Therewas another moment’s silence,Julebriefly meeting the eyes of her mate beside her. “Wecertainly realize thatRikardneeds careful handling,” she said, “and we’re very grateful to you for all your support.Sowe’d be happy to provide you with ongoing support and intelligence in return, and protection, as well.Perhapsfrom a dedicated team of scouts and warriors?”

Louisa’ssmile felt genuine, truly grateful, even as she shook her head. “Ido appreciate that,” she replied, “but with all due respect,Istill would preferKillikandUlfarr.Killikis extremely observant, an excellent scenter and hunter, and hyper-aware of his surroundings.And” — she drew in a breath — “Ulfarris well able to manage difficult situations and circumstances, and he commands the loyalty of multipleSkaiwho are already at the camp.Skaiwho will work to support him and his goals.”

Shewas glancing around the table now, her eyes pleading on her listeners’ faces — but most of the orcs’ expressions were inscrutable, impossible to assess.WhileJulewas looking thoughtful,Rosasympathetic, andMariaperhaps… suspicious.

“Look, it’s understandable that you’d feel… partial, towardUlfarr,”Mariasaid now, her voice decisive in the silence. “Buthis crimes against the clan were still very severe.Andyou can’t discount the undeniable truth that he stands to gain significantly from a permanent move to the camp —andfrom behaving kindly toward you, and earning your trust.Andhaving you advocate for him like this.”

Shewas accusingUlfarrof having ulterior motives, of usingLouisato escape his punishment — and whileLouisacouldn’t fathomUlfarrconsciously doing that, she still made herself follow it, consider the premise of it. “That’sa fair point,” she said slowly. “Butto my understanding, earning the trust and forgiveness of the clan is an integral part ofUlfarr’spunishment.Soif he’s serious about his rehabilitation, wouldn’t he therefore seek to treat women well, and serve the clan where he knows he can make the most positive impact, with people he knows and trusts?”

Mariadidn’t immediately counter that, soLouisadrew in another breath, pushed on again. “AndgivenUlfarr’shistory here” — she gave a vague wave towardMariaandSimon— “it makes sense that he would prefer to live elsewhere, doesn’t it?Ideeply respect your decision to offer him a chance at rehabilitation, rather than more permanent punishments, butIcan’t imagine it’s been easy for any of you to keep living together as part of it, has it?Foreither him, or you.”

MariaandSimonexchanged a brief, speaking look, and maybe they were considering it, maybe.AndmaybeLouisawas going to ruin it now, but she had to keep going, keep trying, please. “AndIdon’t mean any disrespect by this,” she added, “but if you truly are still committed to rehabilitation,Ipersonally don’t see how the pain requirement ofUlfarr’ssentence is — helpful.Ican’t see how it encourages him to move forward, or keep pursuing positive change, if he’s constantly hurting.Especiallywith something that’s tied so deeply to pleasure, and seemingly to your culture as well, and —”

ButJulehad suddenly waved a hand towardLouisa, her brows drawn sharply together. “Whatdo you mean, thepain requirement?” she demanded. “Isthat an ongoing part ofUlfarr’sjudgement?”

Hereyes darted towardSimon, who was also frowning, his gaze flicking back toLouisa. “Iken it was, at the start of this,” he said, in his deep steady voice. “Wedid not wish to grantUlfarrswift and easy healing, and thus lessen the weight of his wrongs.Buthe has long ago healed now, for this was mayhap three summers past, ach?”

Butbeside him,Maria’sface had paled, and she gripped atSimon’sarm. “ButSimon,” she said, low. “Didyou ever grantUlfarrpermission to go toEfterar, after that?Imean,Iknow orc healing is usually much better than humans’, but…”

Shewinced, and her other hand dropped to her own knife, belted to her side.AndSimon’seyes followed the movement, his head tilting. “No,Iken not,” he said slowly. “ButUlfarrhas not once asked, nor spoken of this.”

Right.Louisa’ssmile felt more like a grimace, and she twitched a shrug. “Butof course you can see why he wouldn’t, right?” she asked. “Hewants to earn this from you, and fairly win back his place in the clan.Hewould never want to be seen as needy, or weak, or unable to bear the punishment you deemed suitable for him.Thepunishment he’s required to bear, in order to regain his place among you.”

Simonlooked genuinely unsettled, glancing sideways towardMaria’suneasy eyes, soLouisakept going, faster now. “ButIcan assure you, heisin pain,” she said flatly. “Andit seems to affect him in multiple deeply unpleasant ways.Ipersonally think it’s very commendable that he’s done as much as he has, and been such a good father toSune, while dealing with apparently unnecessaryagonyfor years on end.”

Thedisapproval was too sharp-edged in her voice now, veering toward anger, or even contempt.Anddamn it, she couldn’t risk ruining this, not now, not when they were maybe, maybe considering it — so she shoved up to her feet, and attempted a smile toward them.

“Ofcourse it’s your decision,” she said, “andI’llrespect whatever you decide.But” — her voice was hardening again, all on its own — “Ihope you’ll also acknowledge and respect the fact that the camp is still onmyland.Andmy feelings about it being there long-term may very well change, depending on my assessment of the safety of me and my household!”

Thewords swung out strong and certain between them, very much like — a threat.Becauseit was a threat,Louisahad just threatened all these people — including her generous friends — with shutting down the camp if she didn’t get her way on this.Anddamn it, she wasn’t even going to take it back, she was just going to stand there and glare at them, with her hand on her knife — and she scarcely managed to sign a curtthank youbefore spinning around, and stalking toward the door.

Butthen she halted, gripped her knife, drew in breath from the earth.Andthen she slowly turned around, and faced this, one more time.

“Ifnothing else,” she said, “you should come see the camp.Youshould see for yourselves the good workUlfarrhas done there.Iwould be happy to do my utmost to make your stay comfortable.Itwould be — an honour.”

Withthat, she signed another swift thank-you, and then spun around, and left.Walkingdown the corridor with unsteady steps, her hands twitching, her heartbeat thundering in her ears.Becausedamn it, even despite that invitation at the end, she’d threatened them.She’ddone so well, she’d kept so calm, and then she’d gone andthreatenedthem.

Butshe couldn’t seem to turn around again, either, and she kept striding forward, gripping her sweaty hand at her knife.No, she hadn’t been kind, but she’d still been — honest.She’dspoken truth.She’ddone her best to make amends, and to repay the kindness — and the peace —UlfarrandKillikhad shown her.Togain them peace in return.

Andeven if that was the wrong decision, even if she never saw them again, it still felt — right.Rightin the same way her clothes had, the same way the camp had, the same way her pleasure withKillikandUlfarrhad.Rightthe way it had even felt praying toSkai-kesh.Repentance.Amends.Peace.

Soshe focused on moving, escaping, aiming in what she hoped was the general direction of the front entrance — but yes, that corridor looked familiar, and so did that one.Anda short time later,Louisawas striding out of the mountain into the bright mid-morning sun, and dragging in deep breaths of the cool clear air.

She’dsurvivedOrcMountain.She’dfaced it, and done her best.Andnow — another deep breath, into the earth at her feet — she was going home.

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