Page 77 of The Widow and the Orcs

Itwasn’t at all what she’d meant to ask, or was it, andKillik’shead raised to look at her, even as his shoulder twitched a shrug. “Some, mayhap,” he said slowly. “ButIken it hinges upon the acts, and what drove them.Andthen, after, the repentance, and the amends.”

Theacts, and what drove them.Therepentance.Theamends.Louisalet out her breath, fought through her twisting, tangled thoughts.WhileKillikkept watching her like that, a crease deepening between his brows.Asif he might have caught something in that, as if he might even ask…

Butno.No.Thiswas aboutUlfarr, it had nothing to do withLouisa, she was forgetting that, escaping that,LordScallwas dead…

“Anddo you think,”Louisaadded, too quickly, “Ulfarrshould be forgiven?Doyou think” — another breath — “he’s done enough to repent?Tomake amends?”

Killik’smouth thinned, his eyes flicking beyond her. “Iken he has done more than enough,” he said flatly. “Morethan he ever ought to have borne.Butmy wishes” — a hard little laugh — “are not the clan’s.”

Louisastudied him for another breath, fought to follow that glimmer of anger in his eyes and his voice. “Andwhat is the current… perspective towardUlfarr, then, within the clan?” she asked carefully. “Doeshe still have any support?”

“Ach, some,”Killikreplied, low. “Allof his old pack yet stands behind him, and yet many more yet remember his care toward them.But” — he jerked another shrug — “they all watchedSimondestroy him, ach?Theysaw his pain and his weakness and his shame, lain bare before all the clan.Andnone of them would wish to draw this upon themselves, or those they care for.”

Right.Louisadrew in more breath, kept searching through the muddle of her thoughts. “Andwhat aboutSimonhimself, then?” she asked. “Yousaid you still think he’s a good leader — so is there any way of making amends with him?Imean, he must have made a few concessions towardUlfarrafter all that, right?Ifnothing else, he would have allowed you to adoptSune, right?”

Thequestion ofSunehad been increasingly nagging at the back ofLouisa’sthoughts, because ifSimonreally sawUlfarras an ongoing danger, he wouldn’t have allowedUlfarrto adoptSune, right?Hewouldn’t have trusted him to raise a child?

ButKillikbarked another brittle laugh, and shook his head. “Ach,Simonis a good leader, butIken he has not yet forgivenWolf’ssins, and mayhap never will,” he replied, clipped. “Andthus — no.Simonwould not have allowedWolfto adoptSune, but for me, and but forSunehimself.”

Louisablinked, not following again, andKilliksighed, glanced up towardUlfarr’ssleeping face. “Beforeall this came about,Wolfhad kept watch overSunefor many, many summers,” he said. “Sune’sblood-father was not well, and they did not live at the mountain.SoWolfoft went and fedSune, and gave him clothes and goods, and taught him to sign and track and hunt.AndonceWolfwas wounded” —Killik’svoice dipped — “and could no longer go seeSune,Sunecame here, raging and half-starved, and refused to leave his side.”

Louisawinced, squeezed her eyes shut against the vision of that, butKillikwas still talking, his voice curt. “Eventhen,Simonwished to part them, and placeSuneelsewhere.ButSune’sblood-father could no more care for him, andIknewSunewas all that drewWolf’smind from the pain, and kept him from slitting his own throat.Soach,IadoptedSunefor him, instead.”

Louisakept following that, fighting to think it through, maybe to see the other side of the tale. “ButperhapsSimontruly did fear,” she began, tentative, “thatUlfarrstill would harmSune, somehow?Simon’sfirst concern would have beenSune’ssafety… right?”

ButKillikexhaled a heavy sigh, maybe a growl. “OurRightHandDrafliis mated to mayhap the realm’s best scenter,” he countered. “Theyknew there was not a single scent wrong uponWolf, nor uponSune, nor any ofWolf’spack,ever.Sono, this was not aboutSune’ssafety.Thiswas aboutWolf, and his sins, and his suffering.Itwas about his payment, and his penance.Itwas meant to be more of hisjustice.”

Hisvoice caught on that last bit, dark and angry.AndLouisafought the inexplicable urge to reach over and touch him, maybe even caress him — but she held herself still, watching, waiting, asKillikdrew in another deep, shaky breath.

“Andnot once hasWolfdefied thisjustice,”Killikcontinued, even harder. “Hehas borne his wounds, and shouldered his shame.Hehas said not a word about his broken pack, or his ruined scenting, or his maimed bloody prick that brings him always more pain with his pleasure, or oft denies him its pleasure at all.Hehas done all within his power for the clan, for the school, for anySkaiwho needed this.Andthose orcs who spoke false toWolf, and harmed our kin, and sought to escapeSimon’sjudgement” —Killik’svoice cracked — “it wasWolfwho went and killed them, and wept as he burned their bodies beforeSkai-kesh.ItwasWolfwho suffered for this, again, and again, andagain!”

Killikwas almost shouting by the end, his voice scraping loud and harsh through the room, surely enough to startleUlfarrawake — but whenLouisashot a furtive glance up toward him, he was still sleeping, his low snores a strange steady counter toKillik’sgasping breaths.

“Andnotoncehas he sought to forget this,”Killikwent on, his voice a sharp hiss. “Notonce has he sought to escape it, or play-act as though it was not his burden to bear.Hehas faced it with all his strength, and done all within his power to fix this.Tomake these amends.”

Thosewords rang throughLouisa’schest with sudden, vivid power, swallowing her breath.Ulfarrhadn’t tried to escape his past.Hehadn’t tried to forget it.He’dfaced it, with all his strength…

“Buthow much suffering is enough?”Killikdemanded. “Howmuch suffering is just?Howmuch pain and work and shame must be borne before the taint is lifted?Ormust it be borne for a full life?Mustthe wrongs of one moon be repaid a hundredfold?Mustthe suffering be only ended with death?Isthis justice?Isthis kinder than a swift clean death, from the start?Becausebut forSune,IkenWolfwould have gladly welcomed this, over a lifetime of loss and weakness and pain!”

Hisvoice dragged raw and harrowing throughLouisa’sbelly, clawing at her spinning thoughts.Andas she looked at him, at that sheer helpless misery in his eyes, there was the thought, sudden and unbidden, that perhapsKillikhad never spoken of this to anyone else.Perhapshe couldn’t speak of it, to a clan he didn’t agree with, to an otherwise good leader he resented, to people he couldn’t trust.

Andwithout at all meaning to,Louisafinally reached over to him, and ran her hand down his warm bare arm. “Buthe’s also had you,” she said, through her too-tight throat. “Andall the help you’ve given him.Right?”

Killik’seyes angled away, but he didn’t flinch from her hand. “Ach, mayhap,” he replied, his voice thick. “WithSune, and the camp, and with pleasure, and all his hidden vows and secrets.Andthere is yet much moreIshould wish to do, many more battlesIshould wish to wage, but…”

Hisvoice trailed off, that helpless misery again flashing in his eyes, andLouisakept waiting, kept stroking, as he drew in another shaky breath. “ButWolfwishes toearnthis forgiveness, fromSkai-kesh, andSimon, and the clan,” he continued. “Helongs to keep his vows, and make his amends, and pay for his sins.Helongs, more than aught else, to truly regain his place as a trueSkaison.Andif he sees me as driving this on his behalf, testing or defying ourEnforcer, or pushing the clan, or taking his own burdens upon myself…”

Hisvoice faded again, his mouth twisting, and this timeLouisadrew in breath, and said the rest of it. “He’llsacrifice you, too, won’t he,” she whispered. “He’llfight you, or shut you out, or push you away.Soyou won’t be able to help him anymore at all.”

Killik’sthroat bobbed, and he pulled up his hand still holding the dagger, and halfheartedly jabbed it atLouisa’sface. “ButWolfneedsthis help, woman,” he rasped back. “Heneedsme.”

Itwas like he was daring her to challenge him on this, to argue or refute it.Butthere wasn’t even a thought of it, not even whenLouisashot another glance up atUlfarr’sscarred, sleeping face.Ulfarrdid needKillik.Heneeded pleasure, he needed purpose, he needed strength and comfort by his side.Heneeded someone who could see beyond his past and his sins.

Andmore than that, it was clear thatUlfarrneededSune, too.Heneeded his son, and his old pack.Andmaybe he even needed that camp, that distance from this mountain, that purpose.That… peace.

Andmaybe — maybeUlfarreven needed that title again, too.TheWolfof theSkai.

“Iknow,”Louisafinally said toKillik’sglinting eyes. “Ofcourse he needs you,Killik.But” — her thoughts flipped backwards, toward something else that had been simmering, nagging, louder and louder — “but nowyou’regoing to faceSimon’sjudgement.Aren’tyou?Youtried to take all the blame for all this.Forsetting me up withUlfarr, and lying to him, and bringing me here.Sonow — nowSimon’sgoing to punishyoufor that?”

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