Page 70 of The Widow and the Orcs

Killik’slip curled, and he shot a narrow glance toward her. “Ifyou ken this was always — or even oft — forced upon the woman, you are a fool,” he said, his voice curt. “Idid not seeyouwhining about us sharing you last eve, ach?Wasthis something you loathed, and would wish never to repeat?”

Right.Louisacouldn’t hide her shaky exhale, or the sudden low pull in her belly, andKillikhuffed a sharp laugh, and jabbed his dagger toward her. “Ach,Ithought not,” he said. “Now, only think if there had been a few more of us in our bed last eve, ach?Ifyou had a whole band of hungrySkaiwho all wished to touch you, and taste you, and grant you joy with us?”

Curseit,Louisawas not thinking about that, she wasnot, andKillikrolled his eyes, and gave an exasperated sigh. “Ach, we can scent you, woman,” he snapped. “Buteven beyond pleasure, this rut had other gains, ach?Itbrought the woman into the clan.Itoffered her manySkaiscents, and thus, the clan was well able to track her and keep her safe.Andno matter which orc fathered her son, the son would yet bear the scents of the others, most of all if they kept finding joy together after this first rut.Soin this, the son gained many fathers, who would all help to feed him, and raise him, and guard him against their foes.”

Oh.Louisa’sbelly was still unhelpfully clenching, enough that it only belatedly occurred to her thatKilliksounded… wistful.Thatmaybe… maybe he’dwantedthat.He’dwanted a group of devotedSkaifathers watching over him, caring for him.Ratherthan his own miserable-sounding upbringing, orphaned and abused and forgotten, relying on the kindness of a teenager to keep him safe.

Butthen, between them,Ulfarrfinally… shifted.Raisedhis head.Andthough his face looked haggard and pale, his mouth was set as he turned to look atKillik, his head twitching back and forth.

“No,Killik,” he said, his voice a scraping rasp. “Iken this was the good side of these ruts, but you ken there was not a good side, also.Youken many women feared this, or became bound to orcs they did not wish for.Youken orcs like my father wielded this as a weapon, and used the bonds built by these ruts to their own cruel gain.Myfather wielded his women as commands, and asrewards.”

Louisa’sstomach plummeted, as the horrifying possible visions of that flashed behind her eyes — andUlfarrglanced toward her, his hand tightening against hers. “Thereis naught now to fear upon this,Louisa,” he said, his voice still hoarse. “Simonaltered this practice amongst us, and he was right to do this.Justas he was right to break apart the packs.Justas he was right” —Louisacould hear his swallow — “aboutMaria.”

Wait, he was?Louisablinked atUlfarr, at the bleak regret etched into his sad, shadowed face. “Simonwas right, andIwas wrong,” he said thickly. “ForMariahad no scheme with her duke husband.Sheonly wished to spurn this man, and escape his cruelty toward her.Andin my fear and my fury,Ionly heaped more cruelty upon her, and sowed more strife and darkness amidst our clan.”

Louisacouldn’t move, couldn’t speak, could only stare at that grief glimmering inUlfarr’seyes. “Isought to driveMariaaway from us, and fromSimon,” he continued. “Isought to mock her, to frighten her, to lure her into my bed.Andwhen none of this swayed her” — he drew in a slow, shaky breath — “Iturned my rage towardSimon, and his rightful role asEnforcer.Ichallenged him for his place, and fought his judgement, and scorned his wisdom, and mocked his closest brothers.Andamidst this,Iupheld the orcs who stood for me in this battle, even when they had done great wrongs.Ibelieved my defenders when they spoke their falsehoods to me, and thusIallowed deep darkness to fester within our clan.AndIyet did not repent, and…”

Heheaved another harsh breath, his mouth contorting, his head shaking back and forth. “AndthenIstoleMariaaway, against her will,” he whispered. “Imeant to take her away fromSimonand our kin forever, far across the sea.Ithought this was the only way to save us.IthoughtIwas guarding my kin from this cruel duke, from mayhap the greatest threat we had ever faced.But—Iwaswrong.”

Wrong.Hisvoice was flat and cold on the word, and he again shook his head. “Iwas wrong,” he repeated. “Iwas wrong, andIwas short-sighted, andIwas cruel.Mariadid not deserve my judgement, or all the fear and painIbrought her.Andmy kin did not deserve my rage, and my foolishness, and my failure to see the evil amongst us.Theevil” — his voice dropped — “withinme.”

Louisacouldn’t look away from his face, couldn’t think through the whirling mess in her thoughts, the pain inUlfarr’seyes on hers. “Andsince all this,” he continued, slower, as if he was forcing the words out, “Mariahas proven me wrong, again and again.Shehas shown herself a good, strong, lustySkaimate toSimon.Shewears our garb, she fights in our arena, she flaunts her form and her hunger for all our clan to see.Shehas even weddedSimonin the way of her own kin, and has borne him a strongSkaison, also.”

Louisa’sthoughts whirled faster, louder, flashing back and forth, even as her eyes stayed frozen onUlfarr’sface.Becauseyes, that was sadness, and grief, and regret — but strongest of all, perhaps, was the… wistfulness, low and heavy in his voice.The… longing.

Ulfarr…wantedall that.Hewanted a good, strong, lustySkaimate.Hewanted a woman who wore his garb, fought in his arena, flaunted her body, bore him a son…

Louisa’seyes squeezed shut, but it all kept parading on, too sharp and painful behind her eyes.Becauseno matter whatKilliksaid, maybe — maybeUlfarrhad also truly wanted…Maria.MaybehehadwantedSimonto shareMariawith him.Maybehe had wanted to seduceMaria, to lure her to his bed, and maybe even the kidnapping had been part of that, too.He’dwanted to run away with her, across the sea, alone…

“Sowhat… what if your efforts had worked, then?”Louisamade herself say, into the silence. “IfMariahad… agreed to run away with you?OrifSimonhad agreed to share her?Wouldyou have…proceeded?”

Gods, why was she even asking this, she didn’t want to know this, it wasn’t the important question… was it?Butas she opened her eyes again, foundUlfarr’shaggard, stricken face, she found she — needed to know.Sheneeded to hear what he was capable of, needed to find a way through the desperate wheeling jealousy clamping at her throat.WasUlfarrstill a monster, or was he not, were his awful actions justified, or were they not, and did he still wantMaria, or did he not, and…

AndUlfarrjust kept looking at her like that, with such aching, bitter sadness in his eyes.Butthen he sighed, and closed his eyes, and… andnodded.

“Ach,” he said, almost a whisper. “IkenIshould have… welcomed this.”

Oh.Itwas like all the air had sucked away, like he’d kickedLouisain the belly, or clawed her in the throat.OfcourseUlfarrhad wantedMaria.Ofcourse he would have shared his affections and his stunning, powerful body with her, and surely he would never struggle to be aroused for her, either.Shewas so young, so beautiful, flaunting her form, wearing their garb, bearing their sons…

Andgods curseLouisa, why did it hurt so much, why was she so painfully jealous?Andhow selfish was this, how short-sighted was this, how could she possibly justify any of this, what the hell was she supposed to do with this, what the hell was she supposed to say?Shehad to leave, of course she had to leave, and escape this, and forget any of this had ever happened.Shecouldn’t share her bed with a kidnapper, an enabler, with someone who truly wanted another woman, who wanted a son, who maybe always would —

Andmaybe — maybeUlfarrknew it, too.Maybehe saw it, or scented it, because his clammy hand spasmed inLouisa’s, and he slowly drew her hand to his mouth, and — kissed it.Kissedit with such soft furtiveness that it felt like his lips had barely touched her at all.

“Iam sorry,Louisa,” he said, his eyes shimmering in the darkness. “Iam so sorryItouched you, and shared your bed, without first telling you these dark truths, and the depths of my great sins.Thiswas — selfish, and greedy, and — wrong.Iought to have known — that even ten nights with a woman such as you — would be — should be —”

Ohgods, oh gods, was he weeping, the words choking in his throat, the wetness streaking from his eyes.Andwas he smiling, trying to smile, a travesty of a smile, something broken and defeated and sickening on his mouth.

“Iwish you only happiness, and wealth, andSkai-kesh’s greatest peace,Louisa,” he whispered. “Farewell.”

36

Farewell.

Asif… as ifLouisawas leaving.

But— yes.Yes.Thatwas what she was supposed to do.Thatwas all she could do in this moment, with all this horrible miserable chaos screaming in her skull.Escaping.Forgetting.Leaving.

SowhenUlfarrcarefully releasedLouisa’shand, extracted his fingers from hers, she… didn’t argue.Didn’tlook at him, or atKillik.Justnodded, swallowed, shoved up to her shaky, staggering feet.Forgetting.Leaving.

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