Page 55 of The Widow and the Orcs

Shecould feelKillik’ssurprise, his glance toward her — and then a catch of an exhale, maybe a laugh. “Ach, no, he would not dare,” he replied, and his voice was smooth again, satisfied. “Butach,Ihad seen how he was not — himself.Howhe was less and less himself with each passing day.Hewould not heed my counsel, nor speak his truth to me, butIknew he needed help, needed relief, neededpeace.SoI— pushed him into my bed.Iwielded my daggers and steel against him, until he gave it.Untilhe was weeping andbeggingme for it.”

Therewas a fierce, vindictive satisfaction in his voice, and an unmistakable relief — andLouisa’sexhale felt relieved too, coming out heavy and hushed. “I’mglad,” she said, quiet. “Thatwas — very generous of you,Killik.”

Shecould feel his shrug, shifting the grip of his hand still on her elbow, but then a brief squeeze of that hand, too. “Ach, it was to my own gain also,” he said dismissively. “Afterall his denial toward me,Itook great joy in witnessing the powerfulWolfof theSkaibound in my thrall, whimpering upon my daggers, spraying his seed upon my command.Praisingme, and begging for yet more of his helpless little pup’s strongSkaiploughing.”

Louisa’sbreath caught, too loud and betraying, because gods, that would have been a sight.Andwhat would they look like together, wouldKillikhave done it the same way he’d just done withLouisa?Theway he’d promised to again…

Butno.No, she was not thinking about that.Itdidn’t mean anything.Killikwas very clearly in this forUlfarr, and that was all.Andshe needed to remember that, and…

“And… it helped, after?” she asked, too quickly. “Atleast a little?”

Killiksighed, but nodded. “Ach, it did,” he replied. “Morethan aught else until then.AndonceWolf… let me in, you ken,Icould follow what else he longed for, also, and then help to gain this.Ihelped him care for his former packmates and their kin.Ihelped him face old vows and burdens, and make amends to those he has wronged.Iguided him to help younglings again, to keep them safe, to even adoptSuneas his own.Andwhilst it has all helped, he is not yet healed.Notyet himself.Sonow” — he sighed again, heavier — “Ihelp him gain a woman, also.”

Right.Backto this again.ButsuddenlyLouisacouldn’t bear to think of it, couldn’t stand the thought that she was just another ploy, another sacrifice inKillik’sever-lengthening list of sacrifices.Anotherattempt at gaining the loyalty of the orc he longed for, or maybe — maybe even repaying the orc he felt he owed.Tothe point where he would even go to bed with the woman, too, and make sure he couldn’t have sons…

Sheflinched at the thought, at that sudden memory ofUlfarrsayingKillikhad somehow blocked off his seed — because gods, she’d barely even bothered to question that back there, had she?Andcurse it, she could feelKillik’seyes studying her, his claws pricking into her elbow, almost as if saying,What?Speakthis.

“Sois that why you’re supposedly not able to father sons now, too?” she asked, too high-pitched. “Becauseyou wanted to be able to —helpUlfarrin bed like this?Withoutrisking children from it?”

Therewas an instant’s stillness between them, a spasm ofKillik’shand on her elbow. “Ach, no,” he snapped, his voice hard. “Ifound a healer to stopper my seed as soon asIwas old enough to do this.YoukenIhaveanywish to raise sons of my own blood, after helpingWolfraise a dozen of them?”

Hesounded incredulous, almost irate, and he’d even snapped a dagger from his hair, its blade gleaming in the faint moonlight. “AndInow haveSune,” he added flatly, “andour teaching at the mountain — and even beyond this,Iam yet beset by orclings on all sides!Theyflock toWolflike needy little fleas, who shall never again unlatch from their hapless host!”

Louisablinked, as something knocked against her ribs —Killikreally didn’t want to father sons, either? — and then her breath escaped in a laugh, choked and relieved from her throat. “Ican see that,” she said lightly. “ImetLeikrand his friends today, and they definitely seemed very fond ofUlfarr.”

Killik’sscoff was loud and instant, but it sounded a little warmer, too. “No, you ken?” he drawled, with obvious derision. “Andyou ken there are five more just like him, lurking behind every bush!Andsome days, our grown brothers are just as bad as the orclings!Ach, just last week” — he wildly waved his dagger back toward the camp — “Wolfspent half an afternoon tendingFasti’sbroken claw!Fastiismore thantwenty summers old!”

Louisa’slaugh rippled out between them, shaking her shoulders, quivering on her mouth.Andsuddenly the darkness around them felt warm, almost safe, especially withKillik’shand still on her elbow, his claws gently prodding into her skin.

“Butit must be good forUlfarr, right?” she asked, with only a little hesitation in her voice. “Imean,Halthorrtold me he’s not allowed to rebuild his pack, not like it was before — but surely having this camp still helps, too?”

Shecould just make outKillik’snod, and then his long, slow exhale. “Ach, it does help,” he said. “Manyof the orcs now here are our old packmates, and they yet care forWolf, and he for them.Andhe is always — better, when he is here.Wherehis help and his strength is seen, and honoured, and needed.”

Louisanodded, because that had been very evident, throughout the entire day today.Ulfarrhad been valued at the camp, and respected, and needed, and… and…

“Andhe really can’t just… stay, then?” she asked, before she could stop it — and oh, even the thought of it was too powerful, drawing too deep at her own foolish, selfish longing.Gods, ifUlfarrcould just stay, that would solve so many problems, and even do away with the most painful part ofKillik’saccusations toward her earlier, right?Shallyou abandon your home, and your lands?Shallyou come to live atOrcMountain…

Thehope thumped higher inLouisa’schest as she waited, her eyes uselessly searchingKillik’sprofile in the dark.Provethis to me, he’d demanded, and without that damned leaving-her-lands requirement,Louisacould keep trying to prove it, couldn’t she?Gods, hadn’t she just fucked them both in a public room?Hadn’tshe given bothKillikandUlfarrexactly what they’d wanted from her?

ButKillik’ssilence was too long, too heavy, and finally he gave another slow, resigned sigh. “No, woman,” he said, his voice far flatter than before. “Stayingat the mountain is a term ofWolf’spunishment, and he cannot break this, if he wishes to keep his life.Evennow, we have spent too much time here, and must return home to the mountain tomorrow.”

Right.ButLouisa’slonging was still clutching, coiling hard and miserable in her belly. “AndUlfarrcouldn’t just live at the mountain, and — have a woman friend who lived here?” she asked, but no, no, what was she saying,no. “Justlike — his old packmates are here?Andhe could — visit?Orshe could… visit there?Evenafter the ten nights?”

Toolate, she winced and clamped her mouth shut, but it was out there, she’d said it.AndsurelyKillikcould see her burning face, her eyes dropping to the ground, and why wasn’t he answering, what was he thinking, please…

“No, woman,” he said finally, his voice wooden. “Notwith how this now stands.Hecannot.Andyoucannot.”

Hisvoice was so hard, so certain, so utterly decisive — and so brutally painful, like a sharp kick in the chest.AndLouisacouldn’t look up, couldn’t stop blinking her suddenly wet eyes, and it was so foolish, so ludicrous.Sheknew what this was,Killikhad made it so clear, and what difference did it make if he’d touched her, stabbed his sharp hungry body into her, poured out his seed inside her…

“I— understand,” she said, her voice wavering. “I’lljust — go, then.”

Shejerked her head sideways, toward where she could make out the edge of her yard up ahead — and whenKillikdidn’t answer, she wrenched away from him, and lurched forward.Justneeded to escape him, to forget him, to clear out the mess in her brain from him…

“Louisa,”Killiksaid behind her — he’d said hername— and oh, that was his hand, curling against her elbow again. “Wait.”

Louisafroze, her heart hammering, her breaths panting too rapid from her lungs.Andshe could hearKillik’ssigh, could feel his body shifting closer…

“I—Ithank you, for tonight,” he said, his voice a rasp. “Thiswas… good.This… pleased me.”

---