Page 117 of The Widow and the Orcs

“Ididn’t —Ididn’t think it mattered!” she finally stammered, her voice shrill and painful in her ears. “Youtold meUlfarrcouldn’t father children, and then you told meyoudidn’t want to, either!SoIthought it was fine,Ithought it was good!IsupposeIthought it was even — providence, somehow, a gift from the gods!Butthen…”

Butthen — thenUlfarrhad been healed.Maybeenough to have sons, after all.Andgods, what hadKilliksaid, back when he’d told her about that?ShouldWolfwish for this,Ishould welcome this for him.Weshall not need to think of it for some time yet…

Andagain,Killikhad made it sound like it hadn’t mattered.Likeit made no difference to him, or toUlfarr.Butnow, gazing atKillik’sfurious face, his tight twisting mouth, more bitter, miserable comprehension flashed acrossLouisa’sthoughts, hard enough to sway her on her feet.

Mayhapsoon, you andWolfshall also welcome a son of your own.Agood, strongSkaison, ofWolf’sown blood…

“YouwantedUlfarrto have a son,”Louisabreathed atKillik, over the horrified drumbeat in her ears. “Itwas part of your fuckingplan.”

Foran instant, there was only silence, pulsing out between them, whileKillik’smouth twisted even tighter.Saying— yes.Yes, that had been his plan.Ofcourse it had been, it had been so, so obvious, how hadn’tLouisafucking seen it?Killikseeking her out, setting her up withUlfarr, teaching them how to please and care for each other…

Killikhadn’t only wanted to giveUlfarra woman for ten nights.He’dwanted to give him a whole new family.Awhole new son.

Thewoman who will stealWolfaway from us.

“Youslimy, lyingsnake,”Louisagrowled, and suddenly she could scarcely breathe through the pounding, plunging fury. “Wasanything you told me the truth?Didthe ten nights mean anything at all?Or” — she gulped for breath — “was it all about testing me, and getting me attached, and givingUlfarra new son?Givinghim a newfamily, to replace the one he already has?!”

Ulfarrstartled, staring towardKillik, whileKillik’smouth opened and closed, his mouth oddly twitching. “No, woman,” he snapped, though his voice wavered. “Ishould never seek to replaceSune.Ionly…”

Hiseyes darted toUlfarr, to whereUlfarrwas still looking at him like that, with such shock and confusion in his eyes.AndfinallyKillikgrimaced, shrugged, let out a shaky breath.

“Ionly wish for — your happiness,Wolf,” he rasped. “AndIknow — a son is what you have always longed for most, beyond all else.Ason of your own blood.Soyou can grant him all the safety and peace that was stolen from you.”

Itsounded — it sounded like a direct quote, his voice even deepening, as if to mimicUlfarr’s.And— yes, yes,Ulfarrrecognized it, his body flinching, because oh gods, he’d said that?He’dtoldKillikthat?Hewanted a son of his blood, more than anything —anything— else?

ButUlfarrwasn’t — denying it.Wasn’tprotesting it.Wasstill just staring atKillik, with that stunned bewilderment in his eyes.

“Didyou,” he finally said, his voice a low croak, “didyouwish for this also,Killik?Fora woman, and a son?”

Killik’sthroat convulsed, his face now unnaturally pale, and he darted a brief, furtive look toward —Louisa.Andshe only distantly heard her own laugh, scraping horrible and miserable out of her blocked throat.

“Don’tlie to him,Killik,” she snarled. “Youdid it all for him.Onlyhim.Andonce it was done, you were going to fuck off andleaveus, forever!”

Butno, damn it, no, she shouldn’t have said that, not now, maybe not ever — becauseUlfarr’smouth made a strange, strangled noise, and he staggered on his feet.Hiseyes shot wide and wounded onKillik’sface, as thoughKillikhad struck him, or stabbed both his daggers deep into his gut.

“No,”Ulfarrrasped, as if he was forcing out the word. “No.Killikwould not leave thus.Not— not forever.Hehas always stood beside me, as my strongest, fiercest friend.Mydearest, most faithful pup.Hewould not do this to me.Hewould not do this toSune.”

Buthe was speaking faster, now, as if he was trying to convince himself, trying to convince them.Tryingto makeKillikcounter it, butKillikwasn’t fighting it, he wasn’t — and his shoulders slowly dropped, as his head dropped, too.

“ButIhave never been — enough for you,Wolf,” he said, so weary, so defeated. “Iwill never be enough.Soach,Ithought” — a slow, heavy sigh — “Isought to grant you someone… better.”

Someonebetter.Louisa’sthroat spasmed, andKillikgave a sharp wave toward her, his head still bowed low. “AndIdid this, ach?” he continued. “Louisais kind and strong and fierce and hungry.Shehas offered her help and work and fealty to our camp and our kin, and treated you with care.Shehas also been good toSune, and shall make a good parent to him — a better parent thanIhave been, ach?”

What?Thewords kicked throughLouisa’sbelly, becauseKillikdidn’t really believe that, he couldn’t — but he jerked a shrug, rubbed at his nose. “Andmayhap,” he said, a little faster now, “mayhap if you takeLouisatoEfterarorRurik, she can yet be healed, also.Andthen you can have this new son you long for,Wolf, and this — this happiness.Thispeace.”

Thishappiness.Thispeace.Oh, gods, what wasKilliksaying?Ulfarrwould never be happy without him, without their little family, no, no —

Andno, that was a choked sniff fromUlfarr, his palm rubbing hard at his eye. “But—Killik,” he whispered, hoarse, almost pleading. “I—Ineedyou.Weneed you.Allof us.”

He’dgiven a shaky wave atLouisa, including her in that — but somehow that pulledKillikstraighter again, drawing in his breath, his strength.Puttingthat cool, nonchalant look back in his eyes, as if he almost,almostdidn’t care.

“No, do you?” he said, in a voice much like his usual drawl. “Ifthis was truth,Wolf,Iken you should have found a way to speak this, or show me this, these past twenty summers.Butno, you have not, for all this time.Andthus,Iken you only wish” — he flipped out his dagger, jabbed it atUlfarr’sface — “for a helpmeet.Avassal.Asharp sword by your side, and a hard prick in your bed.Andyou can find all this elsewhere, without me.Mostof all now that you shall also have a woman, awife, the trueSkaimate and son you have always longed for!”

Hisvoice grated through the air, scraping pain throughLouisa’sears, and deep into her belly.AndUlfarrlooked so struck, so shocked and stunned and wounded, just the way he’d used to look back at the start of this.AndLouisacouldn’t bear it anymore, it was too much, too much, no, no, no —

“No,” she whispered, thin and strained in her throat — but it was enough that they both snapped to look at her.Ulfarrstill so wan and haggard,Killikwith that grim determination, and with something like… like jealousy, or even rage.BecausedamnKillik, no matter what he said now, he would forever hateLouisaafter this.Hewould never get overUlfarr, he would never be able to stay away from him.Andshe had to face this, speak truth,Ifear you not…

“No,”Louisasaid again, steadier this time. “No, both of you.Ialready told you,Ican’t have children.Andeven if by some miracleIcould” — she drew in breath, drew up strength, truth,truth— “I’mnot interested.Notanymore.”

---