Page 58 of Tender Temptation

My da’s eyes glisten. “Aye, it was important to me. Mostly, I wanted to repay Connor for putting his life on hold to get yous all through high school. He rents his place out these days, as does Brennan. Liam and Padraig stay at their places when they’re home. Seamus is the only one of you who lives there as his primary residence. I’m sure he’ll love to have you closer.”

“Yeah, me too. Plus, it’s the perfect space to plan my future.” I lean against the rail. “I’m coming up on thirty-five, if you can believe it. I’d like to settle down. Have my own family. I’m feeling a renewed sense of purpose.”

He squints at me and nods. More than anyone, my da has a unique insight into my struggles. “It’s tough to confront your demons, but it’s also important to move on. You deserve happiness, Cillian. What would make you happiest?”

Ivy.

Her name flickers through my mind, unbidden. As it always does when I allow myself to tap into my deepest desire. The truth is, she’s not part of my world anymore.

I wish I could accept it.

Our relationship was a whirlwind—passionate and all-consuming. It burned brightly.Fiercely. She and I were drawn together with an irresistible pull. Emotions ran high. Every moment felt heightened. I loved her deeply and thought she was my future.

Once I learned how young she was, my mind went to a dark place and stayed there for too long. I discounted her decision-making capabilities outright, believing I’d taken advantage of a young, impressionable woman. I didn’t trust what we had was real.

Now I know itwasreal. The realest, truest feeling I’ve ever had.

Perspective has a funny way of rectifying things. Intense counseling during rehab helped me cut through my ownbullshit. At the end of the day, our timing was wrong. The situation was fucked up. Rather than berate myself—or her—for how we handled things, I’ve embraced the truth. My time with Ivy was a brief but powerful chapter in my life.

I’m sad it ended the way it did but now it’s time to focus on the future. On the family I want to have. The legacy I want to leave behind. I take a deep breath and look back at my da. “Building something new would make me happy. Creating a place where I can start fresh.”

“Are you thinking about the woman in your life? The one who got away?” He cocks his head. “She’s Bright’s daughter?”

My words nearly get caught in my throat. “What? Why would you say that?”

Da squints at me. “Oh, I picked up on a few conversations about some young girl you were dating on the down low a few years ago. While you were in rehab, Stan and I often talked about our kids. He mentioned his brilliant, eighteen year-old daughter who was supposed to go to Stanford Business School and run his business and, instead, was in Europe with her mother. She moved to Italy after a bad breakup with a boyfriend she kept hidden from the family. Seemed coincidental your alcohol abuse took on a life of its own around then.”

“How in the fuck did you put two and two together?” I swallow hard, processinghis words.

I’d gleaned a lot about Ivy’s whereabouts from Stan over the years, but obviously never asked for specifics. So much of my drinking stemmed from envisioning her fucking some young, Italian boyfriend. The thought was unbearable. Still is. Though I’m not naïve enough to believe she hasn’t moved on after all this time.

“Guessed.” My da takes a seat on the porch swing. “Even though you didn’t tell me anything, the timing and details—it clicked for me. He had a lot of guilt around driving her away. Blamed himself for expecting too much. He said it was a real wake-up call when she stopped speaking to him. They’ve made some progress, I think. Obviously, I didn’t let on what I suspected.”

Taking everything he says in, I’m able to exhale for the first time in a few minutes. “I thought she was older when we met. I found out who she was at my presentation at Bright Shipping. Ivy never told her parents who I am—there’s no way Stan would have kept us on as contractors if he knew I was the guy.”

“Cillian, did you fall in love with her?.” He pats the seat next to him and I sit.

“Yeah.” I squeeze my eyes shut. “She wanted us to be together and I refused to consider it because she lied to me about her age and who she really was. I wasn’t sure whichway was up and now I don’t think I’ll ever love someone like that again.”

Da clasps my shoulder. “You kept all of this to yourself. How’s that worked out for you?”

“What could I have done?” I look up at him. “At first, I thought she was in her mid-twenties, which was young, but acceptable. We were only together a few weeks and I figured things would work themselves out. We talked about introducing each other to our families, but we never got the chance.” I punch my fist into my hand. “I had no idea she was living a secret life. That she was only eighteen.”

His eyebrows knit together. “Doesn’t seem like the timing was ideal.”

I rub my hands together. “No. It wasn’t. After getting to know Stan and how goddamn intense the man is, I understood more about her upbringing. The pressure. The expectations. Grief brings out the worst in people. I’m not mad anymore and I certainly don’t blame her for trying to take control of her destiny. I feel lucky to have ever meant something to her because she meant the world to me. It wouldn’t have worked, though, and I knew it. She’s fourteen years younger. In a completely different place in her life than I am.”

“Aye.” Da thunks me on the back a few times. “I’m sorry itdidn’t work out.”

“The sucky thing is, I haven’t been able to look at another woman in three years, and believe me I’ve tried to move on.” I’m not proud of my drunken—and ultimately aborted—attempts to get over Ivy by getting another woman under me. Since I’ve been sober, I downloaded and deleted dating apps. Hated them. None of the women hold a candle to Ivy. It’s depressing.

Da stands. “Well, at the end of the day, if you’re patient the right woman will come around.” He moves toward the door. “Time for bed.”

“I’ll head back home. See you tomorrow.” Da and I say our good nights and I bound down the stairs to my truck.

On the way home I picture Ivy in a sunlit studio in Florence painting in a big, white shirt. She turns when I walk in the door, illuminated by the glow of creativity. I bend to kiss her sweet lips…

No.

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