Page 34 of Tender Temptation

God, I sound like an immature teenager. Because I am.

Cillian’s voice softens. “Ivy, I’m not embarrassed. This is not a game. Part of me would like nothing more than to throw caution to the wind. We’re clearly compatible, you’ve been living here for nearly two months.”

“Then why don’t we just go for it?” I feel tears sting the backs of my eyes.

He brushes my hair back with his fingers. “Because there are other people to consider. We haven’t met each other’s families yet and family is, clearly, a huge part of who we both are.” He presses his finger to my lips when I try to interrupt. “Let me finish. We owe our parents an introduction before springing such big news on them, but it’s not the only reason. You’re committed to Stanford this year—it’s your chance to explore who you are outside of your family’s expectations. Outside of me. You’ll grow tremendously as a person.” He removes his finger. “I don’t want to hold you back. You might find new passions and meet new people. I love you and we’ll see each other as much as possible, but I’d never want you to rush into such a big commitment. I want you to choose me with no doubts. If you still feel the same next year, maybe you cantransfer to University of Washington or, who knows, we’ll figure it out.”

“So, you don’t want us to be exclusive.” I’m anguished and can’t stop a tear from falling. “You’re saying, ‘go out there and fuck other people.’”

Cillian’s jaw clenches, and he takes a breath before speaking. “What the hell? Ivy,no. I love you. Why would you think I’d send you off to fuck someone else?”

“I don’t know. Maybe so you can? You’ve been with a lot of women. Maybe I’m not enough.” Then the truth slips from my lips before I can catch it. “You’re myfirst, Cillian—my firsteverything.”

The words hang between us. I’ve revealed one of my secrets.

Shit. Should I go ahead and reveal it all?

Cillian pauses, his expression tightens with shock. “Jesus.What. The. Fuck? Other women? And, correct me if I’m wrong, but are you saying you were a virgin the night I met you at Kells? Why wouldn’t you have told me, Ivy?” He runs a hand through his hair, visibly angry but conflicted. “The first time you have sex is not some small detail you omit to your partner. Without being crass, my cock isn’t small. I could’ve really hurt you.”

“Okay. Fine.Yes. I was avirgin. I kept it to myself because I didn’t know I’d end up falling in love with you. As far ashurting me, I wasn’t worried. I’ve been using toys for years, I just hadn’t…um.” My voice is shaky and intense. Too much. Taking a calming breath, I shake my head sadly. “I’m being defensive and you’re right. I’ll take accountability. It was wrong not to tell you. At the time, I couldn’t have predicted how important you’d become to me.” I grip his wrist. “I wanted it. I wanted you. And, baby, my first time was everything I could have ever dreamed of.More.”

“I’m glad to hear. I wish I could have shared the experience with you,” Cillian snarks, then softens. His gaze flickers with concern. “Pleasedon’t lie to me again. If we’re going to be in a committed relationship—which is what I want, by the way—we need to be honest with each other, no matter what. Secrets don’t fade away. They grow. And I want us—this,” he gestures between us, “to be built on trust. Nothing you can tell me will make me love you less.”

I feel his words press on my chest. It’s time. “I promise no more secrets. There’s actually something else I want to tell you, it’s no big deal.” My voice trembles slightly, I know the gravity of what I’m about to say.

“Can we continue talking while I get ready? I’m running behind, but we’re not done talking and this is important.” Cillian gets up and strides toward the bathroom. He flicks on the faucet and the sound of cascading water fills the space between us.

Following close behind, I feel the steamy heat wrap around me like a thick blanket. We step into the shower and he continues as he soaps himself up. “I’d like to address what you tossed at me before you dropped the virgin bomb and finish up the discussion about Vegas. First, I have no goddamn interest in fucking any other woman and if you have any doubt in your mind about my intentions toward you, we’re not ready for marriage yet.”

“Cillian…” I clutch his elbows.

He gently grips my face between his palms. “Let me finish. Second, I consider us to be exclusive, I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear. Third. I love you. So goddamn much being without you scares the fuck out of me. I would like nothing more for us to spend our lives together but, the truth is, we’re faced with an upcoming separation, whether we like it or not. All we can do, for now, is focus on growing as a couple and figuring out how often we can see each other while you’re at school. Assuming we still feel this strongly in a few months and our families are on board, I’m all in.”

“I’m worried. My dad is strict, I don’t think he’s going to approve. Getting married would help us bypass at least one obstacle.” The edges of my vision blur with unshed tears. I’m going to tell him. It’s on the tip of my tongue…

He pauses, the water streams down his shoulders onto me. “Baby, isn’t part of your journey to stand up for yourselfand make your own decisions? Going to Stanford, becoming independent—that’s part of it, right? Didn’t you tell me it’s what your grief therapist suggested?”

I press against his gorgeous body, my heart both heavy and hopeful. “Yes, but I’m scared. You haven’t met my dad. Ever since my brother died he’s pinned all of his expectations on me and he has a funny way of making me want to gain his approval. I don’t want to let him down and I don’t want to lose you. This feels impossible. I want you to be part of my life so badly.”

“You won’t lose me, Ivy.” Cillian’s eyes lock on mine with a sincerity that takes my breath away. “We’ll tackle this as a couple, one step at a time. We’ll make it through by understanding and supporting each other Not by rushing into marriage as a means to avoid the hard conversations. When we get married, I want it to be a momentous occasion celebrated by everyone who loves us.”

Emotions so complex I can’t comprehend them overwhelm me. I can’t ever remember having a conversation this rational about something so important.Then why can’t you just tell him the whole truth?

“I know you’re right. It’s hard and I’m sorry for trying to rush you into marrying me. I trust you’re committed to me and I’m committed to you. I guess it feels like everything’s closing inon me and I got panicky.” My entire body aches with love for this man who is so wise. So understanding.

We get out of the shower and he hands me my towel. We dry off and he kisses my forehead gently. “Apology accepted. We’ll figure it out. I’m not going anywhere, and I’m not letting anyone take you away from me. But let’s do it with integrity. Okay?”

“Okay.” Even as I say it, a part of me dies knowing I’m still being duplicitous by keeping my real age from him.

It’s time.

No, long past time.

I return to bed and watch Cillian as he finishes getting dressed. His movements are unhurried, though now he’s way behind schedule. Even though I’ve disappointed him and put pressure on our relationship, he’s taking his time to make sure I’m okay. My feelings are more important to him than anything else—gah. Each glance he throws over his shoulder is filled with such warmth. It bridges the gap of our earlier tension.

He needs to go to work. I’ll tell him tonight.

“See you later?” He approaches the bed, buttoning his flannel.

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