When Fee suggested joining Ty in Arizona and bringing Carter and Lianne with us, I was on board, but figured I’d be along for the ride while he and my dad finally figured their shit out.
Not. Even. Close.
Turns out, I’m an integral part of these big, huge, complicated relationships. Not only that, but I’ve been harboring so much resentment against my family. I’ve covered up my feelings to keep the peace. Ignored things, willfully, instead of talking them out.
No more. Therapy has been intense. Me and Carter. Me and my mom. The three of us. Me and Ty. Me, Ty, and Carter. Me, Ty, Carter, and Lianne.
And, of course, me and Fee.
The amount of work we’ve accomplished is astounding, though. Intensive family therapy is hopefully giving us skills to cope with the extraordinarily complicated web of our lives. Our trauma. Not just while we’re here, but in the future.
I’ll be honest, though, I have a little bit of a therapy hangover today. It’s common, so our medical team says. I think we’ve all gone through it. Today’s just my turn.
I’m standing at the breakfast bar eating a slice of toast when my mom comes in from her bedroom. “Good morning, my sweet boy.” She kisses me on the cheek.
“I want you to know it’s okay.” I grip her shoulder. “To love him.”
She stares at me puzzled. “I know.”
“Do you?” I take another bite. Chew.
“I don’t need your permission, Zane.” She runs her fingers through the ends of her strawberry-blonde hair to untangle it. “I’m a grown woman.”
I finish my toast and put the plate in the dishwasher. “Maybe not. You want my approval though. It’s why the two of you have been keeping your relationship secret from me all these years.”
“Not entirely. I didn’t want you to know until I’d worked it out for myself. Plus, it wasn’t your business.” She places a coffee pod in the machine and leans against the counter, waiting.
“Aha.” I hold my finger up.
She takes a sip from the coffee when it’s done. “You didn’t know about most of the men in my life, Zane. I had boyfriends. Even when you were younger, and I’ve had them since. Obviously, no one that’s made the cut or you would have known.”
My mouth must have dropped open because my mom laughs heartily.
“Who?” I slap my palm on the counter.
“It doesn’t matter. When Carter and I started, whatever it was back then, I was always honest with him. I needed to find out who I was as an adult. I was so young when I got pregnant with you. So in love with your dad, to my demise in many ways.” She crosses her elegant arms over her body. “It was important for me to learn who I was. As a woman. Not as a dancer. Not as Carter’s ex. Not as your mom. All of me. When I was your age, I had a twelve-year-old kid. Surely, you can appreciate that perspective now? Especially after all of this work we’ve been doing.”
“And he was okay with all of that?” I can’t imagine being okay with Fee …
Shit. The love hack. Holy shit. That was her purpose back then. God. She told me the exact same thing when she left for culinary school. This history repeating shit is all topsy turvy. I need a fucking break.
Mom watches me. “Something must have clicked…I can see your brain whirring.”
I just shake my head.
“Well, in answer to your question, he told me to take my time. That he’d wait. So I did. Am still doing.” She shrugs.
I take a minute to process. “He loves you so much. I don’t think he’s been with anyone else…”
“He hasn’t.” She places her palms on the counter. Stretches her back.
My mother, always doing some sort of ballet somethingorother. “Well, I always thought you’d end up with some rich, refined guy.”
She laughs. “Wow. Okay.”
“It’s still almost impossible for me to picture you and Carter as a couple.” I shake my head.
“And yet, he’s the one I love. Have always loved.” This catches me off guard because she’s never said that to me directly. I overheard her conversations with my grandparents when I was young. Back when we lived with them. The sentiment never seemed like it was positive.