Page 75 of Timeless: Encore

My blood pressure spikes. “Uh, sure.”

I follow her back down a soothing gray-and-peach hallway into her therapist’s office. It looks a lot like the place I went as a kid. Degrees hang on the wall next to huge bookcases filled with medical journals. A big wooden desk. Five oversized cream chairs are set up in a circle near the windows overlooking the city.

“Welcome, Zane.” Dr. Calder gestures to a chair next to Fee. She still looks tired. Her sad blue eyes gaze up at me. I know she’s ashamed. I know the events of the past month haven’t helped her self-esteem. It’s going to be a long road.

I sit. Lean back. Spread my legs. Drum my fingers on the armrest. I’m nervous. Moony. Trying to hide it, though. For Fee’s sake.

“Fiona and I have been discussing some treatment plans, and we’ve come up with an idea that we thought we’d run past you. See if you’re on board.” She’s an older woman, in her late fifties or early sixties. Not exactly grandmotherly. Cool great-auntie better describes her. She’s dressed in a smart navy suit, her silver hair in a chin-length bob.

I glance up at Fee. Back at Dr. Calder. “Okay. I’d love to hear.”

“Zane, Fiona and I have done hard work around her Xanax relapse. All things considered, there might be an interesting option to maximize healing. Fiona, would you like to articulate?” Dr. Calder steeples her fingers, giving Fee her full attention.

“Zane, I love you. I love our life together. We are building something we’ve dreamed about forever.” Fee reaches over and clasps my hand, which I take as a positive sign. “It’s important for me to develop new coping skills to deal with our childhood trauma. I—um—haven’t gone to therapy my whole life the way you have, but it’s clear my issues with Faye have caused some deep insecurities…” She breathes in and out. “My behavior and decision making isn’t coming from a true place. I can’t stop thinking about what you said to me that night…in the, uh, elevator.” Her eyes flick to Dr. Calder, which means her therapist knows about what I did to her that night. “I don’t trust you because I don’t trust myself. I’m sorry I took Xanax when you took Mia to Baltimore. It seemed like my only option and my overdose caused so much pain to the two people in the world who matter most to me. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, I need some deeper help.”

I wring my hands in agony. “I’ve apologized to you a million times, Fee. I’m so sorry that I made you feel so bad. It’s my fault…”

“Hold on Zane.” Dr. Calder holds up her palm. “There’s a plan we want to run past you. I made a phone call today. As you know, your brother, Ty, is in Arizona undergoing treatment. I spoke with his team. I’d like to suggest you and Fiona join him in Arizona to undergo individual and family therapy. In a safe and structured setting, Fee will have the individual treatment she needs. You and Fee can work through some of this baggage. An integrated approach could be a positive experience for all of you.”

“I talked to Zoey, she’s on board. Ty too.” Fiona pulls my wrist to her mouth and kisses it. “I want to ask Carter and Lianne to go. Maybe even Faye if she’d be open to it. We all need to do this for Mia, babe. Stop the cycle. I’m committed to change how my negative emotions and thoughts about myself affect you both. It’s not fair for you to shoulder the burdens in our relationship.”

“In my opinion, there are so many layers to your family dysfunction.” Dr. Calder addresses both of us. “You and Fiona are both victims and survivors. As I understand it, the events of the past few decades have been catastrophic in many respects. Our goal is to bring the family into recovery to form new paths and stop generational repetitive cycles.”

Fee reaches down to her purse on the floor and hands me a brochure. “We wouldn’t live at the facility because Mia will come with us. Dr. Calder suggested we look into a one- or two-week sleep-away camp so we can do some intensive work while she’s having a fun experience. Outside of that, we’d be in regular outpatient therapy sessions.”

So much of this sounds familiar. It’s been years since Al-Anon. I know that kids of addicts are high risk. They’re statistically likely to engage in destructive behavior ranging from problems at school, to becoming too high-functioning, to mental health issues. There’s no question this is the right answer. “I’ll do it. Of course I will.”

In the car on the way home, Fee seems genuinely relaxed. I don’t say much until we’re on the West Seattle Bridge. Mia’s at home with Olga, so I want to have this conversation before we arrive.

“Is it okay to talk about it?” I turn my head to find her watching me.

She puts her hand on my thigh. “Let’s take a walk?”

“Alki’s busy…” My band might be broken up, but I’m still famous and we don’t have security with us today.

“Yeah, I know. Just around the neighborhood. We’ll be okay there.” She smiles. “I’m trying to get in my steps.”

I park at the house and take her hand as we slip through the side gate. We walk a few blocks before we get to Hamilton Viewpoint Park, a secluded little area overlooking downtown Seattle in our neighborhood.

She looks out at the city. A warm breeze catches a lock of her pink hair. I reach out and tuck it behind her ear. Ever since the day after Ty’s mental break—when I essentially humiliated my wife in our elevator—I’ve had a constant gnawing feeling eating away at my insides. The knowledge that I did irreparable damage to Fee. Broke her trust in me by essentially accusing her of not trusting me.

I haven’t known how to come back from it.

I ran away to Baltimore. With our daughter. Left her to cope alone.

“We have some work to do.” She speaks into the air, not directly to me.

I put my arm tentatively around her. “I’m never going to forgive myself, Fee. What I did to you. It’s my fault.”

“What?” She looks at me quizzically. “Me taking too big a dose of Xanax is somehow your fault? How do you come to that conclusion? Aren’t you the guy who spent his childhood learning that you are not the issue?”

She has a point, but I do bear some responsibility. “I humiliated you. You were devastated in that elevator.”

“Look. It wasn’t the best execution. Or the best timing. But, we’ve always been experimental with sex. That wasn’t the issue.” She tilts her head back against my chest. “The thing is, I know you love me no matter what. I guess I haven’t figured out how to love myself. I’ve been in crisis mode for so many years, I don’t even know how to act normally.”

I kiss the top of her head. “I left you alone. I took Mia with me when I flew across the country just to play music. I ran away from my problems. It wasn’t cool, babe.”

“I could have come.”

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