Page 39 of Signs and Signals

She crosses her arms, juts her hip to the side, and raises both eyebrows in defiance. Her stance is so fierce and confident that it takes me aback. Jesus, if this is her attitude at four, she’s going to be a force to be reckoned with as a teenager. I can already see the battles we’ll have, and it sends a shiver down my spine.

“She was talking to Atlas, Indya. How the fuck did she get his number and contact him? She can’t read letters or numbers and unless it is her name, so how did she manage that,” Amara says, not signing this time.

I am shocked, again, because I don’t know the answer to any of those questions. I tell Haven to go to her room and wait for me on the bed so we can have a conversation. I apologize to Amara for Haven not listening, and she brushes me off, saying she is just trying to look out for me.

I sit next to Haven on her pink and purple themed princess bed, canopy and all.

How did you get Atlas’s phone number, Haven. Tell me the truth, I promise I won’t get upset.

She takes a deep breath like she is unsure she wants to tell me, which worries me, because I want her to feel comfortable telling me anything.

His number in my tablet. I missed him so I called and asked if he wanted to play a game with me. He said yes. While we were playing the matching game, he asked if anyone knew I am talking to him. I said I don’t know, but I missed him and wanted to play. Then my tablet dies. I used Aunt Mar’s phone to call back. I know what his numbers look like, so I pushed them,and he came back on the video. Why can’t I talk to him? He is my best friend, mama. Atlas looks sad.

My heart is now in my throat. Maybe I should just tell her I broke up with him, so we are not going to be hanging out with him or the other players anymore. If she can understand just by looking at him and talking to him that he is sad, which he brought on himself, maybe she will understand this.

Atlas and mama are no longer together, Haven. I broke up with him. That means we are not boyfriend and girlfriend any longer, and I can’t be his friend right now, because what he did hurt my heart. I know you miss him, and he is your best friend, but no more calling him, okay? When your tablet is charged, I will need to take him out of the list of people you can talk to. Just until my heart stops hurting.

She is shaking her head no, tears falling from her eyes so hard, my heart breaks all over again.Fuck you, Atlas, for making me do this to her,I think to myself.

I try to comfort her, but she jerks away from me, not wanting me to touch her. Then she does the one thing I will never come back from and will remember for the rest of my life.

I hate you, mama. I wish I had a daddy so I could live with him.

Tears fall from my eyes, I don’t respond, I know she doesn’t mean it, she is just hurt, upset—she doesn’t know what to do with all those emotions. So, I leave her room, my entire being shattered, how could I make my own child feel this way?

Two days pass and Haven is pretending I don’t exist. I let her have her moment in the bedroom that night, but this has gone on far enough. She is four years old for fuck’s sake. I am the adult; she is the child.

I find Amara in the kitchen making tea and ask her to meet Haven and I in the living room for a family meeting. I go to Haven’s room, where she has been for two days unlessshe is in the bathroom or eating. She doesn’t speak to me or Amara.

Family meeting. Living room, now.

I don’t give her an opportunity to throw her sassy attitude around and leave the room. A few minutes later, Haven comes in and sits on the very opposite end of the sectional. She is as far from us as she can get, while still sitting on furniture.

I’ll be the only one speaking for this family meeting. There are a few things that need to change in this household. First off, Haven, you are the child here, and Amara and I are the adults. We are the ones who will protect you, no matter what. It’s time you start acting like a four-year-old, not a fourteen-year-old.

Amara, I’m sorry I’ve seemed different lately. I’m just trying to keep my head above water. This breakup has been hard on me, even though I was the one who ended it. I’m going to try to be stronger and not let this sadness take over my life. Also, I can’t seem to find work. The schools no longer need me, and my current clients only need me occasionally. So, I’ll be looking for other work in the meantime.

Haven, I’m sorry you miss Atlas. I do too. But I can’t let him get away with breaking my heart. If you don’t understand, then you’re too young to worry about it. I need time to heal. I hope you understand because I know you’re hurting too. I know it’s hard to give your heart to someone and have it broken. But I need you to listen: no more tantrums, no more silent treatment, no more attitude.

If this behavior continues, I’ll treat you the same way you’re treating us. I’ll give you the night to think about everything before I make my final decision. If you’re not willing to go back to your loving self and continue being mean to those who love you, then you’ll get the same in return. No more princess anything, no more electronics, no more fun trips to thepond with the ducks. Nothing bright, happy, or fun. You’ll have a bed, blanket, clothes, and food. Do I make myself clear?

Do you understand everything I just told you?

She nods her head solemnly and goes back to her room.

***

A month has gone by since our family meeting and Haven is not completely back to herself, but she is being more respectful. I will take that over what she was giving us, any day.

It has been a month and eight days since I have seen or spoken to Atlas. Amara said she has seen him around when she is out with the people from work, but he doesn’t approach her, he just gives her a nod.

“You know what I don’t understand about the whole breakup?” Amara randomly asks while I am cooking dinner.

“What is there not to understand? He made it seem like he had nothing to do with Mallory, like she was a thorn in his side. All of a sudden, they are having family dinners, laughing and having a great time, and I am supposed to be okay with that?”

“No, not that, I would have done the same thing as you, well minus the text message. I would have found Mallory first and made her eat curb, then I would find Atlas, and cut off his genitals and feed them to him. But that is beside the point, I mean, why did he not fight for you, or make you hear his side of the story? I’m confused on his part in this, it’s like he just gave up because you said so. It does not make one lick of sense,” she explains.

I stand there, stirring the sauce for the spaghetti we are having tonight, that thought never occurred to me. He didn’t even try that hard. I have seen enough movies and read enough books to know even if the girl says forget everything about me, they don’t. They send flowers, packages, show up at their homes, call their family, everything they do is to get the girl to listen.Then in dawns on me, in all those movies and all those books, it was always a misunderstanding. So, since he didn’t do any of that, does that mean, I understood what I saw perfectly?

---