Page 5 of In a Pickle

“Hey, James,” said Liana softly. “It’s good to see you.”

James blinked and tried to clear his thoughts. “It’s good to see you, too. How have you been?”

“Good. You?”

“Good.” It felt as hollow coming out of his mouth as it had seemed coming out of hers. James knew when someone was faking, and Liana was faking.

“What are you doing here?” James asked, and then immediately cringed. “Sorry. You look like you’re here for a pickleball lesson. You’re certainly welcome.”

A faint smile kicked at one corner of her lips. “Well, now that I have your approval to attend the class I signed up for, I suppose I’ll stay.”

“Shit, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m glad to see you. I’m the teacher… erm, the coach here.”

“Cool.” She shifted from foot to foot, looking as if she wanted to say more but wasn’t sure how to begin. James didn’t push, letting the silence expand for a moment and giving her the choice of whether to speak.

She looked down at her shoes and said timidly, “I’m recovering from a surgery. I mean, the surgery was two months ago, and I have my doctor’s approval to exercise again. It’s just— well, teachers at the beginning of gym classes usually ask if anyone has any injuries, so I wanted to tell you… Not that I was ever the best athlete anyway, but if I seem unusually slow or sluggish for someone in her twenties … this is only my second time working out since the surgery.” Her cheeks flushed with what seemed like embarrassment or shame.

James knew that many people would be confused as to why Liana was ashamed of having surgery. But James knew better than anyone that medical procedures could evoke complicated feelings. “Hey,” he said softly, and brushed her knuckles with his hand before he could think better of touching her. “It’s cool. We’ll take it slowly, okay? You don’t have to rush into anything your body can’t handle.”

He didn’t say, “handle yet,” because he’d hated how, after his own surgery, everyone assumed his body would eventually just bounce back to exactly the way it was before, as though he could simply erase scar tissue.

Liana breathed out a sigh. “Thank you,” she said. “I thought you were going to make a joke about my being the only non-senior citizen in the class. But the truth is, any of these sixty-year-olds could probably kick my ass, considering how weak I am.”

“You’re not weak,” he said immediately, hoping his conviction shone through his reply. But damn, her words felt like a dagger to his heart. Of course Liana had expected him to make a joke about her health. Wasn’t that all he was known for — popular class clown, fun-loving James? If only she knew how seriously he took his own health these days.

“Well, anyway,” Liana said. “You probably know my mom, Deb. She’s been coming to your classes for a while and speaks highly of you. She and her friends finally convinced me to join.”

“I’m glad you’re here. Ready to get started?”

She gulped nervously but nodded. James turned to the class. “Good afternoon, everyone! Happy Tuesday! I’m just tickled pink that you’re here for pickle. Now, let’s all relish these next 60 minutes together. We’ll spend the next few minutes in a warm up to get our bodies moving and our pickles warm.” One of the older women snickered, and another seemed to cut off a gasp.

“The woman gasping is new,” Deb whispered to Liana, loudly enough that James could hear. “James does these kinds of puns every time, and they’re just weird enough that you’re never sure if they’re innuendos. He’s just got this way of loosening everyone up.”

James chuckled to himself. Suddenly, he had a vision of exactly how he’d like to loosen Liana up.

Stop it!He immediately scolded himself.Be cool. Be professional. You’re her teacher. Don’t think about all the things you’d like to do to her. Her mom is standing right next to her, for God’s sake!

“Please line up on the sideline, lift your arms up high, and take a deep breath,” James continued. “Good. Now, hands move slowly down to your heart. For those new here, I like to take a page from yoga and set an intention. Feel free to set your own intention or to borrow mine. Today, my intention is to take the next 60 minutes to recenter myself. I was feeling a little off balance this morning, and now I want to find balance again.”

Yes, he thought.That intention feels right. Some balance will be good.

Chapter 3: Liana

As she moved through her warmup, Liana self-consciously adjusted the dress that had grown far too big on her emaciated frame.

“You look amazing!” people had not ceased to tell her when they saw her 5’9” frame at its current weight, 15 pounds below the minimum for a healthy BMI.

She wanted to laugh whenever people told her she looked good. She imagined how they’d react if she told them the truth: her current, underweight body was the last thing she wanted or strove for.

“What’s my secret, you want to know?” she imagined telling the next clueless soul who complimented her. “Oh, just survive involuntarily on 600 calories a day of chicken broth and plain white rice! And don’t forget puking your guts out every third day when you dare to try to eat something that’s not white rice or white bread. Or, when you’re feeling fancy, you can try peeled, cooked-to-death mashed potatoes with some plain chicken breast. Not too much at a time, though, or you’ll puke even if you eat what’s supposedly on your diet.”

Now that she was officially in a “recovery” phase of the chronic disease responsible for her unplanned weight loss, she was working with a nutritionist to gain weight back in a steadyand healthy way. She was working on adding variety to her diet and eating more frequently. The sad part was, some part of Liana was nervous to go back to her normal weight, which she’d soon attain because surgery had solved the problem of everyday vomiting.

How screwed up was it that she’d been conditioned by society to equate thinness with desirability, even though she knew she shouldn’t? She knew no one should aspire to have her disease-ridden body: last year, her muscles were so atrophied that she couldn’t even walk up two flights of stairs.

No one knew how decrepit she’d become, save for her parents and her best friend, Tori. That was the thing about autoimmune disease: Liana didn’t think anyone could truly understand what was actually going on just by looking at her body. No one could see the havoc her chronic disease had wrought on every aspect of her life. The disease had caused her career plans, relationships, and way of life to careen off path.

No time to wallow,she told herself.Just make it through this class. That’s all you have to do. One day at a time. James said he wouldn’t push you.

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