Page 21 of In All My Dreams

Mom

“I knew she loved me,” Georgia mumbles out, her voice heavy with sleep as she lays her head against my shoulder. I’ve missed the way she falls asleep in my arms. All the worry and grief in her life fade away as her features smooth out.

“Of course she loved you. There isn’t a single thing about you that isn’t completely fucking loveable,” I whisper to her. She mutters something in her sleep that I can’t hear, but I’m sure it’s something sassy and aimed toward me.

Reading about us as kidsmakes Irene’s absence hit hard. I miss my twin every day. But my parents have made sure that her name doesn’t get brought up. Ever. It’s too painful for them, even after all these years. So I’ve trained myself to keep her ghost at bay. Never thinking of her, never saying her name out loud.

Until Georgia and her daughter came crashing back into my life.

There’s something about Auden that reminds me so much of Irene. When I first laid eyes on her in the ambulance, my heart just about gave out. It happened again while I was making her breakfast this morning. I turned and almost dropped the fucking plate because she looked just like my sister, perched on the edge of the barstool. I couldn't stop myself from asking Georgia if Auden reminded her of Irene.

It’s like letting her name pass through my lips has awakened her.

Auden has such a fun, carefree spirit. It’s hard for me not to love her the way I love her mother. I just wish life had worked out differently for us, but I made that bed, and now I get to lie in it.

Even if lying in this particular “bed” isn’t so bad right now, I know when this week is over, my heart is going to be crushed all over again. This time I won’t just lose Georgia; I’ll lose Auden, too. Spending the morning with her and learning more about her, I selfishly wish that she was mine. But if I hadn't left Georgia when I did, she wouldn’t have Auden. I can’t regret my choices too much when she gained so much from my sacrifice.

The smart thing to do would be to stay as far away from both of them as possible, self-preservation and all that.

But I’ve never been good at making smart decisions.

Placing the diary on the back of the couch, I wrap my arm around Georgia, my fingers drumming lightly against her skin as we both fall asleep.

Before I fully succumb to the darkness, my subconscious notes that it looks like something spilled down the front of the bed mattress.

Something that looks strangely like blood.

11

Georgia

Now

Sometime in the night, I must have turned because I wake in a cocoon of warmth as I’m pressed against Ian’s chest with his arms wrapped tightly around me.

Looking up at him, I can’t stop the memories of all the nights we spent just like this. Only, instead of a small couch, we huddled together on the twin mattress in my childhood bedroom. Him, holding me to his chest, protecting me from my night terrors. Me, pressing my ear against his chest gently so I could listen to his heartbeat without waking him.

Whatever fight we had last night, it doesn’t change anything. We fight, I scream and curse at him, he walks away. We still end up here, gripping onto each other to keep the horrors at bay. Every damn time.

I fell in love with him with my entire soul when I was thirteen, and I haven't been able to escape that fate since. Here we are, nearly thirty years old now, and still intertwined together. Woven together forever because of Auden. It’s hard not to blurt out that she’s his daughter when he reminds me so much of that boy I loved so many years ago. Especially after a night like last night, falling asleep to the sound of his voice as he read my mother’s words to me. After hearing about all her losses...maybe I should just rip this Band-Aid off and tell him that Auden is his daughter.

I know how my best friend would react, but I don’t know how this new Ian would.

And that’s what makes me hesitate any time the words creep over my lips, begging to be released into the world.

“I can feel your eyes on me,” Ian says with a low rumble, his voice still fogged with sleep. I roll my eyes at him, even though his eyes are still closed. “Quit your sass, or I’ll move and kick you off the couch, G.”

A stupid giggle passes my lips at the thought. He wouldn’t dare.

“Yes, I would,” he responds to my unspoken thoughts. “In case you forgot, I knew you quite well before we decided to turn our innocent friendship sleepovers into something more.”

I reach out and pinch his bare chest, making him yelp as his eyes fly open.

“Fucking, rude, Georgie,” he says with a sleepy laugh.

“Did I hear you say you had a sleepover and you didn’t invite us?”

Ian and I both jump apart like teenagers caught breaking curfew when we hear Auden’s voice. I end up on the floor, all caught up in the comforter, as Ian tries to yank it away from me to cover himself.

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