Page 41 of In All My Dreams

But everything combined reminds me of a happier time.

A time when my mother and my best friend were alive, laughing and screaming happily right along with me.

A time where the boy I loved, loved me back.

I look up at the giant Ferris wheel, remembering the time I spent with my mother in one of those silly little carts. Dangling on the edge of the world like nothing bad could ever happen to us. Her diary proved that she loved that moment just as much as I did.

Gazing over at the carousel, I remember the moment Ian first kissed me. I was sitting on the cat, and he was on the polar bear when our eyes met, and our laughter halted in place as we leaned closer to each other until our lips finally touched.

Nothing bad is allowed to happen at the fair.

Auden, Ian, and I can almost pretend like we are a happy little family while we are here. No ghosts, no secrets. Just us. There’s no room for anything but joy to exist here today. After the last few stressful days at the manor, we all deserve a few hours of fun.

“What do you ladies want to do first?” Ian asks as we enter the fairgrounds. He holds tightly onto one of Auden’s hands while I hold the other. He looks so very un-doctor-like in his deep gray shirt and black jeans, looking handsome as ever. The backpack strapped to his chest makes him look like he’s getting ready for some tactical mission. His Braves hat tames his dark locks while his sunglasses cover up those galaxies I love so much.

“Hmm,” Auden hums, looking in every direction possible as she struggles to make a decision. Her pinstripe shorts and pink glittery tank top clash horribly with her bright yellow sunglasses. Somehow she pulls it off, because five-year-olds can wearwhatever they choose without looking ridiculous. Instead, she looks absurdly adorable.

“What if we do the carousel first? The line looks short right now, and we all know it’ll be wrapped around the entire ride by lunch-time,” Ian suggests, pointing to his left where the red and white-topped carousel awaits.

“Can I be the dolphin? Please, Mommy?” She tugs on my arm and jumps up and down, her pigtail braids whipping her in the face with each descent.

“Only if your mom can be the penguin and I can be the...” Ian strains to look at what animal sits on the other side of the dolphin. “Duck,” he says in horror. “I guess I’ll ride the duck.”

I look over at him and fight a smile. He’s always had this weird thing about ducks. I guess one chased him when he was younger, but I’m still convinced he was chased by a goose that lives on the property. Who gets chased by a duck?

“I’ll take the duck, Ian. Don’t worry. I’ll make sure it doesn’t run after you,” I tease him as we get into line.

He leans against the railing across from me while Auden stretches both her arms out to touch both poles, nearly putting herself into the splits.

“My knight in shining...overalls,” Ian muses, taking his sunglasses off and tucking them into his collar. The way he’s looking me up and down makes me feel hot and cold at the same time. I wonder if he is also thinking about the first kiss we shared while on this same ride.

I’m in lavender overalls that I’ve cut to turn into shorts because the humidity and heat of Texas are already intense this far into spring. My black tank top fits snugly against me and matches the black ball cap that my hair is tucked into, my ponytail swaying back and forth in the breeze.

“Mommy, look! It’s our turn now!” Auden yells as she runs toward her coveted blue dolphin. Ian helps her up and wraps thesafety belt around her before taking his place on the penguin. I hop onto the duck and flash Ian an evil smirk over the top of Auden’s head, making him shake his head with laughter.

This is nice. The three of us, doing something as mundane and normal as going to the fair as a family. Ian is so great with Auden. He’s slipped into our daily life with such ease, and Auden absolutely adores him.

Too bad it’ll all change the moment my lies unravel.

The carousel bell rings loudly over the speakers, signaling the start of the ride. Auden grips onto the pole tightly, her face a mixture of excitement and fear.

“It doesn’t go that fast, hun. I promise it’ll be fun.”

Her smile lights up the world once she realizes that the ride isn’t going to be scary. Her grip loosens, and she laughs loudly as her dolphin starts moving up and down underneath her. “Ian! Look at me! I’m bigger than you and Mommy!” she yells when her dolphin rises higher than ours.

My eyes meet Ian’s, and my heart nearly stops when I see that he’s also looking at Auden. His smile serene and content, like this is something he’d be happy doing for the rest of his life. This man is making it too easy to fall back in love with him. Especially when he looks at our daughter with so much adoration in his eyes.

The ride ends all too soon, and Ian helps Auden off of her dolphin. She blows the dolphin a kiss and promises that she’ll be back to visit him later. Ian and I both let out small chuckles as we followed her toward the exit.

“Let’s go on the Ferris wheel next!” Auden excitedly yells, pointing at the large blue ride in the distance. She grabs Ian’s hand and skips ahead of us, pulling him right along with her.

“I’ll meet you over there! I’m going to grab a couple of waters!” I yell after them. Ian flashes me a thumbs-up before they disappear into the crowd.

I make my way over to one of the concession stands, ordering three waters and two bags of cotton candy, one blue and one pink. I also grab a churro from myself because you can’t go to the fair without grabbing something deliciously unhealthy, and the churros were my dad’s favorite snack when he took me as a kid.

As I make my way toward the Ferris wheel, I decide it’s probably not a bad idea to call my father and check on him since we most likely won’t make it to the hospital tonight.

The call connects instantly.

---