Page 92 of A War Apart

Amusement and desire flashed across his face. He stood and offered me his hand. “I’d be happy to put on something less offensive to your delicate sensibilities, so long as you’ll come with me.”

I allowed him to help me into my coat. He took my arm, and we walked out into the frigid night air.

“I couldn’t stop thinking of you while I was gone,” he said as the lights of the inn faded behind us.

“Me, too.” My heart was pounding out of my chest. If he couldn’t hear it, it was a miracle.

“I should have come back that night. I was afraid you’d send me away again.”

“I was just—”

He cut me off. “You don’t have to explain yourself. You said no. That’s enough explanation for me.”

“I want to.” I couldn’t tell him the truth, not all of it, but I could tell him a little. “It was just a lot at once. I got overwhelmed. Scared. I wasn’t ready.”

“And now?” he asked, not looking at me.

“And now…” I bit my lip. And now what? Nothing had changed.

Nothing but me. It had only been a short time since Han died, but our marriage had been dying for months before that, ever since the day Kazimir attacked me. I’d hardly been able to look at Han, let alone let him touch me. He’d smothered me, not letting me heal on my own time.

I knew I shouldn’t compare them, but Alexey was everything Han hadn’t been. He didn’t push me to share things before Iwas ready. He sat quietly with me when I needed to cry, and he left without argument when I needed to be alone. He recognized that he couldn’t always protect me, so he gave me the ability to protect myself.

I loved Han, of course I still loved Han, but he was dead. And maybe even before he’d died, he hadn’t been what I needed anymore. Maybe Alexey was.

“And now I think I am,” I said finally.

We’d reached the palace. He led me inside, unspeaking, and up a back staircase that ended on a narrow servants’ hallway. Tallow candles lined the hall, lighting our way. Alexey stopped in front of a door halfway down the hall. He unlocked and opened it, gesturing for me to go inside.

The room was small, no bigger than my own bedroom. When he stepped in behind me, his presence filled the room. In the dim candlelight from the hall, I had a brief impression of a clean, well-organized space, but when he stepped around me to lay his fur coat on the chest against the wall, everything else went out of my head.

He knelt down to light the fire. The room was cold, but I didn’t feel it as my blood ran hot through me.

Once firelight filled the room, he stood to take off his kaftan. “I apologize for my untidiness,” he said with a grin. “I hope you can forgive me.”

“I’m sure I can.” I meant the words to sound teasing, but they came out breathy with desire. My eyes fixed on his body, the sweat-stained shirt that clung to his skin, showing wiry muscles. I took a step toward him and ran a hand down his chest. He shuddered beneath the touch. When I lifted my face to his and kissed him, he wrapped his arms around me, gentle and tender, as if afraid I would break.

I needed this. Needed him. I deepened the kiss, tugging at the hem of his shirt.

He drew back with an amused smile. “Anxious, my sun?” He stripped off his shirt, then helped me remove my coat.

I shivered. Was I really doing this? I’d never been with another man besides Han. Our first time had been awkward and rushed, a few stolen minutes before he left to join the first uprising. My first time with Alexey would be different.

He gathered me into his arms again. “Cold?”

“No,” I whispered, afraid to break the spell of the moment by speaking any louder.

He guided me to the bed and knelt before me. My breathing hitched, but he pulled my shoes and stockings off, set them neatly against the wall, and sat down next to me.

Brushing his thumb over my cheek, he looked at me with a solemn expression. “Before we do this, I need to know that you really want to. If you’re not ready, or if it’s going to remind you of…whatever happened to you, we don’t have to do anything.” He took my hands in his. “I won’t lie; I want you. But I want you to feel safe with me. I’ll wait for you. Forever, if need be.”

Was I ready? I looked down at my bare feet, gathering my thoughts. There was no going back after this. I couldn’t go back to my old life.

Then again, there had been no going back for a long time now.

I looked into his eyes. “I do. I want you.”

The tension melted from his face, replaced with a tender look. He took my face in both hands and kissed me once, twice, three times.

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