Page 131 of A War Apart

My eyes flashed to her face and away. “And what if I do, but I can’t have it?”

“Why not?”

I brushed snow from a bench and sat. “He doesn’t want me anymore.” If he did, he would have let me help him, let me free him somehow.

“Are we talking about Alexey, or your captain?”

“Alexey.” Whatever had been between me and Han was broken. Perhaps forever. “He told me to go back to my husband.”

Izolda laughed, the sound irreverent and strangely comforting. “He’s an idiot. A well-meaning idiot, but an idiot nonetheless. He’s trying to protect you.”

“He wouldn’t let me try to get him released. Even when I told him I could talk to Han…”

“Can you blame him? If you found out he was married, would you want any help from his wife?”

The thought of Alexey with another woman was a fist around my heart. “No. I’d hate her.”

“You understand how he feels, then.” She took a seat next to me. “Does your husband know?”

I gave a hollow laugh. “How do you think that would go over? ‘Oh, by the way, I fell in love while I was gone. He was fighting for Miroslav and got captured, so I’ll never see him again, but I thought you should know anyway.’” I shook my head. “Han doesn’t know anything about Alexey, and he never will.”

“Eight years isn’t forever.”

“Feels like it.” It probably felt longer to Alexey.

“You know,” she said after a minute, “my mother asked me to go back east with her. I was thinking about saying yes. I don’t know how much I’ll be able to do for him, but I can at least be there. If nothing else, he’ll need a friend.”

“You would do that?”

She nudged me with her elbow. “As I said, I was thinking about going already. I’m not in love with him, but I do care for him.”

I nodded absently, my mind swirling. “Do you know when you’ll leave?”

She shrugged. “Probably in a day or two. I think the high priestess has some things to work out with the new tsar, but she’s anxious to get home before the snow thaws.” She patted my leg. “I need to get back. I’ll write when we get there,da?”

“Find me before you leave. I want to say a proper goodbye.” I hugged her. “I wasn’t sure we’d still be friends now that I’m me again. I’m glad we are.”

She pulled back and shook her head, lips pressed together with exasperated amusement. “I told you before, I’m not your friend because I knew the old Sofia. I’m your friend because of you. And as I said, you never changed who you were.” She rolled her eyes. “Ugh, now you have me spouting cliches. Go on, I’m sure you’ve got your scarred stud waiting to see the old you.”

I swallowed hard. I did need to find Han.

“Well, try not to look so excited about it.” She laughed. “I’ll see you later, Fia.”

As she left, I stood. I wasn’t ready to go back to Han. Not yet. I wandered slowly to the palace. Izolda was right; I wasn’t a completely different person, not really. But I wasn’t the same, either. Could I become the person I was before?

Han had changed while I was gone. He was more sure of himself, more confident. A leader, not just of our small group of servants and tenants, but a real leader now. People looked up to him, respected him. By the Blood, thetsarrespected him.

Not all his changes were good, though. He didn’t trust me anymore. Didn’t see me as an equal. He’d grown possessive, controlling.

But hadn’t I earned his distrust? I’d lied to him, left him, and done things while I was gone that would tear his heart in two. I’d fallen in love with someone else.

What would that mean for our marriage? In some ways, Alexey knew me better than Han did. In the brief months I’d known him, he’d seen what I tried so hard to keep hidden, how broken I was. He’d seen my walls and broken them down, stone by stone. He’d helped me put myself back together, even while I used him.

Han and I had been through so much together. His recovery after Barbezht, the years of struggling to make ends meet, the joy and anticipation of the birth of our son.

He would never be Alexey. He could never fill the hole in my heart that Alexey left. But Alexey wasn’t here anymore. He’d told me to go home, told me to be happy. After all I’d done to him, to both of them, I owed it to them both to do that. I couldn’t walk away from my husband to chase an unattainable dream.

Han had broken my trust, but I’d broken his, as well. Maybe we could heal from that betrayal. Maybe we could find a way to come back from this war. Together.

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