Page 96 of A War Apart

I’d never said it out loud, I realized. Never told anyone else. My vision was blurry. I touched my cheek; it was wet with tears. Strange. I hadn’t noticed I was crying.

“Oh, Fia.” Izolda sat down next to me and placed a hand on my back. “I’m sorry. If I’d known…”

“No, it’s fine.” I wiped my cheeks with my sleeve. “I just—” A sob tore from my throat. “It took us so long to get pregnant. And then thosebastardsshowed up andmurderedmy son and tookeverythingfrom me, including my husband. And now I realize I might have a chance to have another baby, and everything’s all wrong. He doesn’t even know myname! Fuck!”I grabbed my head, deep, gasping breaths wracking my body. “Would it even be my baby?”

After a moment, she asked quietly, “You love him, don’t you?”

I let out a humorless laugh. “Does it matter? If he ever finds out who I am, he’ll hate me forever.” I’d deserve it, too.

Izolda was silent. What else could be said, anyway?

I wiped at my face again. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have gone off like that.”

“Fia.” She grabbed my hand. “Really. I’m here for you.”

I choked back more tears. “Thank you, Izolda.”

“What are friends for?”

I gave her a watery smile. “I came to make sure you were alright, and here you are comforting me.”

“I’m fine.” She flashed a grin. “I’m worried about the baroness, as I said, but Alexey brought me some of my things a couple hours ago and told me what he’d heard.”

I ignored the flutter my heart gave at the mention of his name. “Anything new?”

“No. Lord Ilya’s being questioned, which is no surprise, but the baroness likely won’t be, on account of her sex and relation to the tsar.”

Questioned. My stomach twisted at the word. Lady Heli had warned me what questioning would entail, were I ever to be arrested. I shuddered to think of the tall, commanding baron subjected to Miroslav’s cruel imagination.

“Has anyone else been arrested?” I asked. “Will we still be able to pass on information?”

“No, as far as I can tell, everyone else is unaffected. The baron and baroness don’t even know the names of most of our contacts, let alone how to find them, so we should be able to go on as normal.”

I swallowed. It was hard to imagine going back to normal with Lord Ilya and Lady Heli in Miroslav’s power. “There’s got to be something we can do.”

She fixed me with a stern look, uncannily reminiscent of the baroness’s. “We can. We help the tsar win the war. The sooner we win, the sooner they’re free.”

“Can’t we get them out?” Lady Heli was strong for her age, but who knew what the conditions of the dungeon would do to her? The noblewoman was far from young. If there was something I could do to help her…

“Do you have any idea how to do that?” When I didn’t answer, she snorted. “I didn’t think so. No, you need to pretend nothing has changed. Keep your eyes and ears open, and help us win this war.”

I bit my lip and nodded. I could do that.

I had no other choice.

Chapter thirty-three

Breach of Ethics

Han

“Again!”

Sweat dripping down my back in spite of the cold, I complied with Fyodor’s order and executed the series of positions again. The muscles in my arm burned with the weight of the dull practice sword, but I knew better than to complain. I’d made that mistake as a new recruit during the first rebellion, muttering my frustration to the man next to me. Benedikt, my commander, had heard me and given me a caning in front of the entire unit. Ten strokes. I knew why he'd done it; he hadn’t wanted to be seen showing favoritism. That knowledge hadn’t comforted me over the next week, when I hadn’t been able to lie down properly.

Not that Yakovlevich would cane a fellow captain. Still, it was best not to push the man. He was a brutal taskmaster, expecting perfection from me, missing hand or no.

“Who trained you?” The captain’s voice cut into my thoughts. “Straighten your spine. Arm up!”

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