Page 42 of I'll Be Waiting

Nothing.

“Are you there?”

Still nothing, and the smell is gone, and I know it was never there. I was thinking of him, and a random sound became a soundless noise of comfort. I imagined a squeeze on my shoulder, and so, with my mind on him, I smelled his aftershave.

“I just want…” I whisper. “I just want…”

My throat closes, and I whip around, grab the door handle, and yank. They’re bugs. Just harmless annoying bugs, and they willnotstop me from enjoying this sunset.

I stride out, letting the door shut behind me. As I march forward, the midges drift into my face and fly past my head, but I steel myself against revulsion.

Just bugs. Harmless bugs.

When I smack into a swarm, I divert. The swarm buzzes all around me, bugs in my face, in my hair, crawling on my clothing.

They won’t kill me. Just keep going.

I walk three more steps, and the insects engulf me until I need to slit my eyes. One still manages to hit, my left eye stinging enough that I gasp and bugs fly into my mouth and—

I bend over, letting out a near snarl of frustration as everything in me screams to run back to the house.

Just bugs, damn it. Just bugs.

I want to be stronger than this. Goddamn it, why can’t I be stronger?

In the end, it isn’t the bugs in my eyes or my mouth or my hair that break me. It’s the whining buzz of the swarm, setting every nerve on edge after a day of listening to that goddamn buzzing—

I wheel and run back to the house. I get inside, slamming the door, only to really snarl in frustration when I see the small cloud of bugs I brought with me.

I grab a tissue and begin angrily plucking them off the walls. Footsteps approach, and I look up to see Jin hurrying toward me.

“I went outside,” I mutter.

“Okay.” There’s a note in his voice that has me looking up. “Alone?”

I pause. Shit. I forgot that part.

My shoulders fall. “I’m sorry. I just… I wanted to see the sunset, and I was focused on braving the bugs. They’re just insects, and it’s a gorgeous sunset and…”

I know how I sound. Ridiculous bordering on unhinged.

“I just wanted to see the sunset,” I say as my throat clogs. “We always… When Anton was here, we always went out to see the sunset.”

Jin’s arms go around me in a hug, Then, without a word, he takes a tissue and starts plucking bugs from the wall alongside me.

TWELVE

We’re conducting the séance in the living room. The fire is going, despite the fact that we need to keep the windows closed so we don’t hear bugs screaming on the screens. We’ve turned on the air conditioner instead. We want warm and inviting, not a sauna.

Before we start, we try to settle in with a bit of conversation.

“We should tell a ghost story,” Shania says. “Get us into the mood. Like last night, when Dr. Cirillo told us about his first big case.”

“Uh…” Jin says, and his gaze goes to me.

We’re here to summon my husband. That’s not a ghost story. Not the sort meant for entertainment anyway. But Shania is practically vibrating with anticipation, and if I refuse, gently, she’ll realize the idea is inappropriate and feel bad.

“We could do that,” I say.

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