Page 76 of Crossed Sticks

“It did, but we’re ready to go forward. We’ve learned from what happened, and that’s how life works. Make mistakes, figure out what went wrong, and go on.”

“What if we can’t go on?”

“Wecan, babe. Caring about each other is what counts. As long as we have that, we can get past this. We’ll be stronger, happier than ever.”

He nodded, then stared out the window. “The lake always looks so peaceful this time of day.”

It was getting dark, and the remnants of light stretched across the indigo water like lifelines. I reached for one. “Remember that night up on the roof? We didn’t know what was going on with us, but we believed something good could happen, and it did. There’s a lot more waiting for us, Harp. We just have to go for it.”

He turned back toward me. “I hope so, but I need a favor.”

Goddammit.Why won’t he just say we can put this sorry fuck-up behind us? Doesn’t he want to get over it?I steeled myself and nodded. “What favor?”

“You still want to make things work, right?”

“How many times have I fucking said that already? All week, I sent messages you ignored, and how many more times have I said it tonight? I want to be with you more than anything, but I’m starting to wonder if you want to be with me.” I’d gotten loud, but so fucking what? It was time for him to hear me.

“I want to be with you, but there are things I should figure out about myself so I can be the man you need.”

“What the hell? You’re the man I want. If you want me, then say we’re okay.”

“You aren’t getting it!”

I handed his snappish tone back to him. “How can I when you’re talking in riddles? I understand all I need to, which is that we care for each other and want to keep building a relationship. If you’re trying to say anything else, you need to speak English.”

“You’re right.” He rubbed his hands together and blew out a long breath. “You know my story—the guy who was never a keeper, who got cheated on, used, and then tossed aside. Last weekend, when I thought it had happened again, all the hurt and anguish came back. The wounds were as open and painful as the day they happened. I judged you.” He stopped and heaved out a long sigh before going on. “In my mind, even if you hadn’t fucked Caleb, you put him first. He was the one who was important, and I was the substitute. When he came here acting like he’d lost his puppy, I was the one you let go. I wasn’t the keeper. He was, even if he wouldn’t let you keep him.”

I swallowed hard, feeling sick. I’d already figured out the “keeper” part, but I didn’t know he’d thought Caleb was the important one, and he was the substitute. For years, I’d felt like Caleb kept me waiting in the wings in case something happenedto Daniel, and it hurt like hell. Horrified that I’d made Harp think the same thing, I started shaking. “Did I make you feel like that? You were in second place?”

“Last weekend, I thought you did, but now I realize it wasn’t true. I made myself feel that way. That’s what’s wrong, don’t you see? I judged you and ran because of my own fucked up self-image. I need to fix that, but first, I have to figure out how. If you want to be together, please give me time to work it out.”

My stomach sank. What kind of fucked up thinking had he been doing all week? “How much time?”

“I’m not sure. Training camp, at least. Long enough to get a handle on what I’m dealing with and find a therapist.”

“That’s backward. You already know what you’re feeling. Find a therapist, and they’ll help you work through it.”

“I can’t go to therapy while I’m at camp. Some days, we barely have time to use the bathroom.”

I shook my head. “It isn’t like you’ll have any more time when the season starts. You’ll be gone as much as you’re home.”

“Yes, but we won’t be busy twenty-four hours a day. I can go to therapy when we’re in town.”

My heart hurt at the thought of him leaving again without settling things between us. I could see he was struggling, and although I knew he wasn’t trying to be cruel, it felt that way. Why keep running away? I was glad he wanted to get a handle on the things that had hurt him, but as boyfriends, we could support each other. I couldn’t be his therapist, but I could be his foundation. Did he not think I was good enough to do that? Again, it seemed like he didn’t care about my feelings, because he couldn’t do this to me if he did. But if I wanted him, I’d have to find a way to deal with it. “How long’s camp?”

“Three weeks.”

Fuck. Three more weeks of hell?“And we can be together after that?”

“I hope so.”

Hehopesso? What the fuck? “And I’m just supposed to wait while you decide if we can?”

“Not if you don’t want to. This isn’t about you. It’s about me needing to get myself together. I promise to let you know if I don’t feel like it’s happening.” His eyes filled with tears, and he choked out the rest. “If you can’t wait, or don’t want to, I’ll try to understand.”

I already knew I’d wait as long as there was hope. It would be hell, and the prospect of long weeks or months of not knowing what would happen made me shudder. I had to force my next words past a huge lump in my throat. “I want to be with you, so I’ll wait.”

“Your camp will start soon, so you’ll be busy, too. I’m not asking you to sit around and wait forever.”

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