Page 53 of Crossed Sticks

“Not really. As much as I’m tempted to say yes, Daniel has been pretty nice to me. It’s just hard not to resent him. They’d actually met the summer before, but Caleb didn’t know Daniel was going to teach at Marlowe, and Daniel didn’t know Caleb was a student there. It turned out Caleb was in Daniel’s class that spring, which was why he got so weird. When I finally learned they were in love, I didn’t react very well.”

“Who would?”

“I was a real jerk about it, but in my defense, Caleb broke my heart. When I confessed I was in love with him, he said the right things, but he was already gone.”

“And you were without your best friend’s support exactly when you needed it most. I’m so sorry.”

I was blown away. How did Harper understand it so well when no one else ever had? “Thank you. I made it through the year and even helped them stay together. Caleb was going to law school in Chicago, and since my dad’s a dean at Northwestern, I basically got Daniel a job there. They both still live in the area—Daniel teaching, and Caleb practicing law. We’re all still friends.”

We were quiet until the waitress came to ask if everything was all right. We said yes, and when she left, Harper’s eyes locked onto mine. “What aren’t you telling me?”

Nervous prickles ran up my spine. Harper saw there was more to it, which means he sawme. Buddies, friends, even family members listened to me, but Harp took it to a different level—he understood. Telling him the rest of what happened was a gamble, but if I glossed over it, he would have known I wasn’t being completely honest. The decision was simple: tell him what happened and hold on to a chance of moving forward together, or say I couldn’t talk about it and destroy the trust we’d developed.

Fuck it, and fuck Caleb. I reached for Harper’s hand. “I made it through the school year, but the following summer, I got depressed.”

He widened his eyes and nodded for me to go on.

“The beginning of my senior year was exciting, and I felt better for a couple of weeks. Then I got down again, but I kept it to myself. I had a single room, and at the end of the day, I’d go to bed. I was safe there. Often, I couldn’t get up until someone came by and banged on the door until I let them in.”

“Holy fuck, Luca.” Harp’s eyes were shiny, and he squeezed my hand. “How long did that go on?”

The memories flooded back, turning my insides into a hollow pit. “Too long. Eventually, I couldn’t get out of bed at all. No class, no practice, no hanging out with friends. I had to keep the blinds closed because light gave me headaches. My appetite disappeared, and that alone tells you how bad it was.” I tried to chuckle at the grim joke, but the sound was more akin to a quiet sob. “My friends called my parents, who flew to Vermont. They ended up taking me to a psych ward so I could get a handle on things.”

“Did it work?”

I nodded. “They put me on meds for depression and anxiety. I had to get up and be active, and since we had therapy every day, I had to talk. I stayed there for two weeks, and by the time I went home to my folks’ house in Chicago, I was doing better.”

“Thank God.” He let my hand go and gave me a slice of Margherita. “Eat this, then you can tell me the rest if you want to.”

The hollowness I’d felt faded in the warmth of Harp’s caring. We ate another slice of pizza, and then asked the waitress to box up the leftovers. After she brought them back, Harp patted my arm. “Let’s walk around. It might be easier to talk.”

It was getting dark outside, and we walked down a street lined with closed businesses and a few bustling restaurants. Not many people were on the sidewalk. “Want to hear the rest?” I asked, taking Harp’s hand.

“Absolutely. You said you were better when you went back to Chicago?”

“I was definitely on the mend. My folks made sure I took it easy and kept up with my meds and therapy. After the holidays, I went back to Marlowe for spring term. It was lacrosse season,and I needed something to pour myself into. I did well enough for the Steamrollers to offer me a contract.”

“Which only shows what an amazing person you are. You’re strong, Luca.”

I shrugged. “Didn’t really have a choice. It was lay around and wait to die, or get up and try to have a life.”

“Don’t try to make it sound that simple. You made the hardest choice of all, which was to overcome something that almost broke you.”

“You’re right.” I paused. Admitting I’d been brave about that time in my life had always been hard for me. “I appreciate your saying that. Not everybody gets it.”

“They’re dumbasses, then. A lot of people would take the easiest path, which would have been to stay in bed and do nothing. You’re a rock star, Luca.”

I was choked with emotion, so we walked on in silence. Soon, we turned down another street with shops closed for the night, and it wasn’t long before Harper pulled us to a stop. He pointed through a store window at a display of Dungeons and Dragons merchandise. “We definitely need to come back here.”

“I’m in. We’ll do it tomorrow, if you want.”

“Sure.” He squeezed my hand, turning toward me and looking into my eyes. “Thanks for telling me about that stuff. I appreciate the trust you’re giving me.”

I took a deep breath. “There’s actually more, if you’re up to hearing it.” Fuck, there was always more, but as uneasy as it made me to tell him about this, Harper had to know. He could run, but I didn’t believe he would. And if he stayed, I’d know he really liked me—the real me, not an image of someone who didn’t exist.

“Go for it. Say what you need to.”

I tugged on his hand, and we walked on, turning a corner that took us toward home. “I was better, but I was still in bad shapefor a long time. My first year in Buffalo, I tried to do my best, but I was still so sad and lonely. I hadn’t had sex for going on two years by then, and that was making me nuts.”

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