Page 102 of Crossed Sticks

He reached over and batted a hand at me, like he wanted to push me off the trail. “Yeah, yeah. I’m sure it’s tough, but I have to stop balls flying a hundred miles an hour. Nowthat’sskill.”

“It’s always about sex with you, isn’t it? You have a real thing for balls.”

“Hey, you were the one sucking mine this morning.”

“Kiss my ass.”

“In your dreams.”

We rode on, chirping each other while we enjoyed the scenery. Our time apart, as awful as it was, had brought us closer in the end. Moments like these were precious. We’d become easier with each other, taking time to enjoy the life we were building.

Luca pointed at a passing boat. “We should rent one of those and have a party. Bet guys from both teams would be up for it.”

“I’m in. Having some beers and getting to know your teammates would be great.”

“Let’s look at the calendar when we go home. Maybe we can make it happen before everything freezes over for the winter.”

“I’ll have you over there skating on the canal in January.”

“I’d love to,” he shot back. “I’ll show you how it’s done.”

He could be such a blowhard sometimes. “Luca, I’m a hockey player. When was the last time you even put on skates?”

“Last year.”

“Bullshit.”

“It’s true. Gabe got some Warriors and Steamrollers together for a skating competition. It was hilarious.”

“I wish I could’ve seen that.” I gave him a snarky look. “Who won?”

“Next question?”

Our cackles echoed across the canal as we sped up for another race.

We were both starving when we reached Lockport, and Luca guided us to a small restaurant he’d been to before. We grabbed sandwiches and took them back to the canal for a picnic. Lying on the grass afterward, holding hands and looking up at the sky, I enjoyed our comfortable silence. So many things had happened since that awful day, and I thought about how lucky we were to get through it.

I’d found a therapist while Luca was still in the hospital, and those sessions had already become a vital part of my life. The fog was lifting, revealing faults in my thinking I hadn’t known existed. There was a lot of work ahead, but I was committed to it.

Luca was seeing Dr. Putnam, and we’d agreed to respect each other’s privacy and only talk about our sessions when we thought it was necessary. That turned out to be pretty often. We were drawn to each other for support, and our conversations helped us both see our challenges more clearly. Since we were serious about building a stronger relationship, it felt natural to share what we learned.

I broke the silence. “How’s it going with the ‘rediscovering yourself’ aspect of your therapy? We haven’t talked about that for a while, and you don’t have to now. I’m just curious.”

“It’s going really well, actually. You’re helping me so much with that.”

“Didn’t she tell you it couldn’t be about me?”

He let my hand go and rolled on his side toward me, so I turned to face him.

“Yes,” he said, “but then we talked about it again. I can’t rely on you to give me a sense of self, because that wouldn’t reallybemyself. But the way you accept me for who I am makes me more confident, and I can be me. All those years, I was so busywondering why Caleb didn’t choose me that it made me doubt myself. It’s sad, but part of me tried to be what others wanted.”

“Did you do that with me at first?” I asked. “Try to be who I wanted you to be?”

“No. I sensed you were different right away. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, that’s what I immediately knew felt unique about you.” He sighed. “Dr. Putnam said that’s probably one of the reasons I spiraled so badly, because I thought I’d lost that.”

I touched a foot to his. “Do you trust me more now?”

“Yes, and I’ll learn to trust you and everyone else even more. One of the reasons I trust you is because you came back, and you still like me for who I am. The real me is good enough for you.”

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