Page 86 of Crossed Sticks

I couldn’t believe how blind he was. Caleb had a good heart, so why couldn’t he admit how much he’d hurt me over the years? He was still hurting me today, yet except for his angry expression, he looked like the man I’d always known, the man I once loved. “Yousayyou want me to be happy, but you’ve always been negative when I’ve talked about guys. I never told you about any specific man I liked until Harp, and remember how you were about him? You said terrible things, tried to make me believe he was using me. You’d never even fucking met him. The truth is you don’t want me to be with anyone, and it’s time to tell me why.”

“That’s ridiculous.” He’d brought his voice down to an angry mumble. “If you’re still in love with me and mad about Daniel?—”

Anger gripped me, much stronger than before. He was so self-centered he thought the world revolved around him. “I’m not trying to argue or make you feel bad. For once in my life, I’m telling you how I feel, and if you care about me, you ought to listen. You should give a damn.”

He folded his arms over his chest, pursed his lips, and stared at the fucking wall again. “I give plenty of damns how you feel.”

“Oh really? Is that why every time I’m with you and Daniel, you make a show of how much you’re in love? I can handle that, because it’s true. What Ican’thandle are the times when it’s so over the top, it seems like you’re rubbing it in my face that you didn’t pick me.”

“You’ve made all this up in your head.”

“Hm. Did I imagine how you talked to him all through dinner last spring like I wasn’t there? Maybe I’ve been hallucinatingwhen you and Daniel tell me about the fun you have but never bother to ask if I’m dating someone. And I must have forgotten the times you’ve made sure you and your best friend had a few hours of one-on-one time. You wouldn’t even go help me pick out a new tux for last year’s awards banquet after I flew to Chicago specifically to buy one.”

“I was getting a cold.”

“Every time we spend the night in the same place, you and Daniel are so loud I can’t possibly miss what’s going on.” He turned back toward me, and I continued my rant. “Whenever you two stay at my apartment, I always give you the bedroom and sleep on the couch. What are you thinking when you not only fuck in my bed but make sure I hear it banging around, not to mention every sound either of you makes?”

A bright red blush stained his cheeks as he lifted a shaky hand to his mouth. “Is that true? And you think we’ve done it on purpose? Oh God, I’m embarrassed just hearing you say it.”

“You think I haven’t been embarrassedhearingit? Or hurt that you didn’t respect me enough to be quiet?”

“I had no idea. I feel awful for doing that to you.”

“If you’ve truly been that oblivious, it doesn’t surprise me. You haven’t paid attention to my feelings for years. How could you not realize it would make me feel like shit to hear someone who rejected me fuck the guy he replaced me with?”

Fire erupted in his eyes. “That issounfair. I didn’t reject you, Luca. I fell in love. It wasn’t my fault you didn’t tell me how you felt until it was too late. You have no idea how many times I thought you’d be the perfect guy if only you loved me. If you cared enough to be faithful to me.”

“I didn’t sleep with anyone else for the last six months we were together, and you fucking know it.”

“Another thing you neglected to tell me until after I fell in love with Daniel.”

“I told you many times. You just weren’t listening.”

“Becauseyouwere talking in code.”

We huffed in unison, something that would probably have been funny if we weren’t having it out. I took a calming breath before going on. “If you honestly thought I might be the one, did it ever occur to you to talk to me about it?”

“Yes and no.”

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Yes, I thought about it. I was afraid it might drive you away because we’d agreed so clearly about the boundaries of what we were doing. I didn’t want to lose your friendship, but now I learn you’ve held things against me for years.”

Caleb was on the defensive, so I reached for his hand. “I’ve held on to them because I’ve been so hurt. I know I never talked about it, but I expected you to be more sensitive, at least about some things. I guess that was unfair to you, but it’s hurt me anyway.”

He sniffled, and when a few fat tears ran down his cheeks, he batted them away with his free hand. “I love you,” he croaked. “I’m sorry it’s not the kind of love you want.”

“I don’t want that kind of love from you anymore. When I see how happy you and Daniel are, I don’t know if you and I could have had that. I’m not sure I was ready for that level of caring. I am…” A burgeoning sob tried to cut me off, but I swallowed it and choked out the rest of what I needed to say. “I’m ready for it now with Harper. I love him, Cale.”

He looked into my eyes for a long moment, then nodded. “You may not believe me, but that’s the best thing I’ve heard in years.”

I wanted to shake him. He’d just been denying everything I said, even accusing me of creating it in my head. Caleb was smarter than this, so maybe I was missing something. I looked him in the eye. “How could you behave the way you have sincewe were in college, and then say that learning I’m in love is the best thing you’ve heard in years? Like I said before, you’ve acted like you didn’t want me to be with another man.”

He shook his head slowly. “It’s complicated.”

At least he wasn’t still trying to deny it. “If you consider me your best friend, you’d better try to explain.”

“You’re right—I’ve been trying to protect you. I haven’t felt guilty for loving Daniel, but Ihavefelt horrible for hurting you as much as I did. I never wanted you to feel like that again.”

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