Page 56 of Crossed Sticks

“No, and I don’t think I loved him yet. That happened over the holiday break. We were apart for two weeks, and I missedhim more than I ever had with anyone else. When we returned to school, I told him I was in love, and he said he loved me, too.”

“First love.” Luca glanced away, and I figured he was thinking about Caleb. He may not have loved Caleb anymore, but his feelings were still raw. After a moment, he met my eyes and said, “Your first love. What a trip, huh?”

“It was,” I said, shifting closer to Luca and taking his hand. “Manny and I had to keep things a secret because I wasn’t ready to come out, or even sure what I should come out as. But we were inseparable, and I was so wrapped up in him I couldn’t see anything else. My schoolwork slipped, and my hockey suffered, but my feelings for Manny only deepened. I started having these stupid daydreams, like maybe we’d turn out to be more than a college fling.” I paused, and my voice was heavy when I continued. “Looking back, I can see he started pulling away, just like my girlfriends had, but I was too in love to realize it then. We were still together all the time, having sex whenever we could, and it never crossed my mind that…”

Luca let go of my hand and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “What?”

I blew out a shaky breath. “The Lions made it to the Frozen Four that year. We didn’t win, but the experience was unreal. Manny and I texted a few times over the weekend even though I was so busy it was almost impossible to find the time. As soon as the team got back to campus on Sunday, I went straight to his room. He didn’t answer when I knocked, but after I started texting to see where he was, he finally opened the door. A guy I’d seen around campus was there, standing by the bed in his underwear. He looked at me, and after a moment, he pulled on his jeans. It was clear what had been going on.”

“Fuck, Harper.” Luca squeezed my shoulders and pulled me closer.

The pain throbbed like it had happened yesterday. Nothing hurts as much as realizing the person you love doesn’t love you.

Luca broke the silence. “I’m so sorry. What happened?”

“The guy left. I wanted to go, too, but I was too shocked to move. Manny said we should talk.”

I struggled to find the right words, and Luca didn’t push. He just squeezed my shoulders, giving me exactly what I needed—time, patience, and the reassurance of his touch. His calmness steadied me, and I finally took a breath. “Manny said he didn’t want to break up, but he needed to see other men, too. He thought monogamy was for straight people, and that I wasn’t someone he could see himself with long-term.”

“What did you say?”

“His words snapped me out of it. I told him to go fuck himself because I sure wouldn’t be doing it anymore. Then I walked out, wondering what was so wrong with me. I’d thought he felt the same way I did, so why wasn’t I good enough? And considering what he really wanted, why didn’t I deserve the truth instead of humiliation?”

“Nothing was wrong with you, and nothing is wrong with you now, either. He was fucked up. You’re a wonderful man, Harper. Anyone would be lucky to have you.”

“Then why did it keep happening?”

He tilted his head to the side. “You went back to him?”

“No. But the girlfriends, then Manny… After that, I hooked up and had a few flings that went nowhere. They usually ended with the guy giving me a version of the same speech the others had: ‘You’re nice, Harper, but this won’t work long-term. I need more.’”

“Fuck that because it’s a goddamn lie. It tells a lot about the guys who said it, and it says nothing about you.” Luca chewed his lips for a moment, and then spoke more calmly. “Have you been in a relationship since?”

“Yes.” I sat up to stretch my neck, then leaned back against Luca. “The first year I was in D.C., I met a guy at a team event. It was one of those things where fans paid to go to a party with the players. His name was Simon. He seemed great, so we made plans to meet later for a drink. That led to dating, and before I knew it, we were in a relationship.”

The memory of that disaster hit me like a punch to the gut, leaving me breathless. I buried my face in my hands, and Luca leaned in close to my ear. “You don’t have to?—”

“Give me a sec, okay?” When I caught my breath, I lowered my hands and looked at Luca. “I don’t feel like going into all the details. I’ll tell you more sometime when we’re drunk, but for now, can I just tell you the basics? Enough for you to understand?” I felt bad asking since Luca had been so honest with me, but I didn’t have the strength to make it all into a story.

Luca wrapped his arm around my shoulders again. “Whatever you’re comfortable with. Basics are fine.”

“Thanks. Simon was a lawyer, lived in Georgetown. We spent all the time we could together, and before long, it was almost like we were married. I thought my dreams were coming true at last. We were together for about a year and a half. We had occasional arguments, but we always worked everything out. I started thinking about proposing, even looked at rings.” I stopped talking while a fire engine raced by outside, and when things got quiet again, I went on. “It was in the spring. The Barracudas had a good season and made it to the Stanley Cup finals, but we lost.”

“I remember that. The refs were for shit.”

I nodded. “That’s for fucking sure. Anyway, when the team got back to town, Simon was in the middle of a trial. We agreed to have dinner on Friday at his place, and as soon as I showed up, I knew something was different. I tried to kiss him, but he turned away after I barely touched his lips. We talked about the weather and his upcoming trial schedule until halfway throughthe braciole he’d made. Then he took a sip of his wine, sat back in his chair, and smiled. I wondered if he was about to say he loved me.”

My voice broke, and Luca patted my shoulder. “It’s okay, babe. Take your time.”

“He didn’t say that. Instead, he gave me the speech I’d heard so many times before. I was a nice guy who was fun to be with. He said I was hot, and nobody had ever fucked him the way I did. Yada, yada, yada.”

“What was the problem, then?” Luca asked. “Sounds perfect.”

“I asked the same question. He told me that as great as I was, he didn’t want to waste our time anymore.”

“What the fuck?”

“He said, ‘I like you, Harper, but being with an athlete upsets my routine too much. Even if I could deal with that, you don’t add enough value to my life to be worth it. You’re a good guy, but you’re not a keeper.’”

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