Page 55 of Crossed Sticks

My heart pounded, and the tension of waiting to hear what he had to say made it difficult to breathe. I raised an eyebrow, encouraging him to finish the sentence.

“I don’t want to be friends with benefits,” he finally said. “It sells us both short, because I hope you think I’m special, too.” He used his free hand to wipe some sweat off his brow. “I don’t want to simply date, either, for the same reason. So why don’t we find out what can really happen? I want to be boyfriends.” He glanced away and gnawed on a thumbnail, then met my eyes again. “Maybe it’s silly for a grown man to want that. Is it? The thing is, I’ve neverhada boyfriend.”

He’s neverwhat? Surely I misunderstood, because how could someone like Luca never have had a boyfriend? All the women and gay men I’d known complained about how hard it was to find someone who was good-looking, smart, and kind. I, too, had waited all my life for a man like that. “It’s not silly at all,” I said, doing my best to keep my voice steady despite my thrumming heart. “People of all ages have boyfriends, and I’d love to be yours.”

Luca’s lips curved, but they didn’t stop at a smile; instead, he showed me one of his weapons of mass seduction. “Really? Then I’ll…”

“What?”

“I don’t want to see anyone else,” he said, “and I wish you wouldn’t either. I’d be a wreck, and I know that’s on me, and I might just have to suck it up. But I sure hope?—”

“I don’t want to see anyone else, either. Being boyfriends means being fully committed to each other, so let’s go all in.” There, that left no doubt, in case he had any.

My shorts had ridden up, and he played with the hair on my thigh and gazed into my eyes. “Yeah, so… To make it official, will you… uh… be my boyfriend? Exclusively?”

My heart kicked up another notch, drumming a manic tattoo against my rib cage. I liked him far too much to say no. In fact, I’d already said yes, but now I realized I should have told him some things first. Luca had been honest with me, and he deserved nothing less in return. A muscle under my eye twitched. “I’d love to, but there are a few things about me you should know. I’ll feel better if I tell you while you can still back out.”

He scooted against the back of the sofa and nodded. “Go ahead, but I don’t think you’ll change my mind.”

Despite Luca’s openness, the pizza in my stomach had turned to lead. “When we play, you sometimes call me ‘straight guy.’ I actually used to date women. I had a few girlfriends, but they never lasted long. We’d start out fine, but then they’d get restless. After a time or two, I could see it coming. They’d be all in—eager to go to team parties and banquets, that kind of thing—but then they’d pull back, find excuses not to go out, get slow at returning texts. It wouldn’t be long until they told me I was nice, but they needed something else, fromsomeoneelse.”

Furrows appeared between Luca’s brows. “That doesn’t add up because you’re amazing. I’m gay, so I’ve never dated women, but I’ve had lots of women friends who’d have killed for a guy like you.”

I shrugged. “Too bad I didn’t know them, I guess.”

“Are you telling me you’re bi?”

That was a question I’d considered for years, and I still had no firm answer. “Maybe, but I’m not sure. The first time Ihad sex was at my senior prom with my girlfriend, and to be honest, it wasn’t all that great. I was excited to lose my V-card, and the sex felt good, but it wasn’t anything special. When my teammates lost theirs, you’d have thought the heavens opened and bands played. It was like it transformed their lives, and they’d say it was the best thing they ever felt. But my reaction was, well, I can check that off my list.”

“That’s interesting.” Luca drank some of his tea, and when I didn’t say more, he angled to face me again. “You dated girls in college?”

The weirdness of those days came back—always being a little queasy, knowing that whoever I went out with, it wouldn’t last. “The first couple of years, yes. Kind of had to, really. The hockey team at Mohegan had a very straight vibe at the time, and if you didn’t have a girl on your arm, you definitely got funny looks.”

“Thank fuck it wasn’t like that at Marlowe. The guys always knew I was gay, and I wasn’t the only gay man on the team, which probably helped.” Luca scratched the stubble on his chin. “Were you having sex with guys back while you dated women?”

“No, but I was attracted to men. I had a teammate who was so gorgeous he turned me inside out. Sometimes when we were alone, I’d get hard just from being near him. I always fantasized about leaning over to give him a kiss.”

“Did you?”

I shook my head. “Long story, but I was a coward, and he wasn’t well. He made himself out to be a womanizer and eventually had a baby with one of his girlfriends. After that, he totally lost his mind. When Coach Caldwell came to Mohegan my senior year, he wound up throwing the guy off the team.”

“Damn. But you and this guy never did anything sexual?”

“Not even close.” Time to stop talking about Eckie, since his place in my story was tangential at best. “I didn’t have sex with a guy until the fall of my junior year, and I’ve never dated a womansince. Nothing against them, and I know when one’s hot. I just… I’m attracted to who I’m attracted to, like anyone else.”

“Nothing wrong with that. I’m glad I made the cut.”

“No question.” I trailed a finger across Luca’s knee before going on. “Anyway, there was this guy at school named Manny. We had a couple of classes together and hung out some. It was obvious we liked each other, but I’d never been with a man, so I didn’t know what to do. We flirted a lot, and I tried to find the courage to make a move.” My throat was dry, so I reached for my tea.

“That’s hard when you’ve never done it before. It took me forever the first time. I thought I’d never get up the nerve.”

My hand trembled as I set my iced tea back on the table. I couldn’t believe I was telling Luca about the first man who broke my heart, but it was part of my story. Except for Eckie, when we were both Cudas, I’d never told anyone else. “One night, we were sitting on Manny’s bed playing video games. I glanced at him, and he leaned over and kissed me. My heart took off, and so did my dick. Almost before I knew what was happening, our pants were off, and my dick was in his mouth. It felt incredible, and I’d never come so hard. When I returned the favor, I liked sucking him as much as when he blew me. It was how I’d expected my senior prom to feel. Needless to say, I was hooked.”

Luca grinned. “Harper Blanton, hooked on dick.”

“I was, and I was also hooked on Manny. Hockey kept me busy, but if I wasn’t at the rink, on a roadie, or in class, Manny and I were together. A few weeks later, we became boyfriends, and I don’t think I’d ever been that happy before. I was crazy about him.”

“Had you ever been in love?”

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