Page 44 of Crossed Sticks

HARPER: What if Luca’s thinking he asked too soon?

A minute passed, and when a message came in, it was a picture of Levi singing with his toy karaoke machine. He had KISS-style makeup all over his face. I laughed so hard it took a minute to type a reply.

HARPER: I can only imagine who did that to him.

ECKIE: LOL. I take the Fifth.

ECKIE: You want to date Luca, right? You’re ready to put yourself back out there and find someone.

HARPER: Yes, but dating him means risking my heart. What if he turns out to be like the others? He could be thinking about how to back out right now.

ECKIE: No risk, no goal. And if you know him well enough to say yes already, go with it.

I’d been hoping he might say… Hell, I didn’t know what I hoped he’d say.

HARPER: You don’t think I should be careful? You’ve had your heart broken so you know what it’s like.

ECKIE: Yes, and I also know I wouldn’t have Jack if I’d kept my heart under lock and key for the rest of my life. You know I made a ton of mistakes, but following my instincts with Jack was the best thing I ever did.

HARPER: So you think I should date Luca? Open up to possibilities?

There was another pause, followed by an incoming text with a picture of Eckie and Levi grinning at the camera.

ECKIE: That’s us, right now, smiling at Uncle Harpy. Look, you and I have been through thick and thin, and I won’t BS you. You need someone who cares about you to say go for it. Put your heart the fuck out there and see what happens. Things might fizzle or he might hurt you. You could hurt him. But it’s also possible you could be happy, and you deserve that. Now get over yourself and see if Luca will be the one who breaks your losing streak.

I scrubbed a hand over the back of my neck. Eckie was right. It was time to choose the possibility of happiness over the dread of heartbreak.

HARPER: I don’t know how you got so fucking smart, but you’re right. If I don’t start dating, I’ll never find the right guy.

ECKIE: There you go. Now, like I said at the beginning, go get laid. Text me in a few days and let me know how it’s going.

After we said our goodbyes, I thought about what Eckie had said—no risk, no goal. I might come up short again, not be a keeper, but I liked Luca. He was kind and sweet, not to mention the sex god I’d dreamed about for so long. Even if things didn’t last, he liked me for now, so I raised the phone and typed a message.

HARPER: I had such an amazing time with you. Want to grab dinner tonight?

If he was working with the photographer, he wouldn’t see my text for a while, so I took my phone back downstairs to finish my coffee. It wasn’t long before the phone vibrated.

LUCA: That sounds perfect. I’ve been missing you.

The relief was as intense as jumping into a pool on a hot day. I didn’t expect anything long-term with Luca, but maybe—just maybe—he’d stay long enough to help me stop feeling like the biggest loser the world had ever known. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. For the first time in a long time, I was willing to take a chance.

14/

luca

The camera flashed,momentarily blinding me, but I forced a smile that would probably look fake in the photo. This week, I was modeling the uniforms of all the pro teams. I was on my third outfit change of the day, and the artificial cheer was wearing thin. Normally, I prided myself on making it through a session with energy to spare, but now, I couldn’t shake the memory of tangled sheets and strangled moans.

I relived the way Harper had shuddered under my touch and begged for more. My heart somersaulted when I remembered how he’d clung to me in the quiet moments between fucks, whispering about which fantasy he wanted to try next. He was extraordinary, and though he couldn’t have been more different from Caleb, the emotions he stirred within me were similar.

But beneath the fiery passion, fear twisted in my gut. Despite yesterday’s resolve to be careful, I was becoming vulnerable. Letting anyone in, especially someone as amazing as Harper, felt like walking a thin line over a deep abyss. Memories of Caleb lingered in the corners of my heart, a constant reminder of… what exactly? My soul wanted to say “devastating betrayal” even though my mind knew better. If I could focus on caring aboutHarper, I could get Caleb back in the slot where he belonged, a good friend.

I wasn’t using Harper, though. I’d asked him to date, and I wanted things to work, at least for a while. Could I open myself enough to make what we had genuine? Or would I remain stuck in emotional inertia, hurting the man I already liked so much, and simultaneously dooming myself to an eternity of loneliness?

After yet another uniform change, more sprayed sweat, and what felt like a hundred forced smiles, the photographer became an asshole and yelled at me. “You fucking lost it. I asked for the look you have after someone scores on you. Have youeverdone a photo shoot before?”

“Eat shit. Good photographers know how hard this is, and you haven’t even given me a break. I need fifteen.”

Stalking away, I took refuge in my dressing room. After toweling off the mixture of real and fake sweat, I curled up in the cheap armchair they provided. Modeling was hard work, and if the photographer was a jerk, it was almost impossible to do a good job.

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