Page 24 of Christmas for Keeps

He shook his head. “My circumstances hurt me, not you. Some boyfriend I was, not even letting you come to visit.”

“It’s on me. I stopped texting and calling when I should have come to Boston and banged your door down.”

He looked into the fire. “And made me furious? You did everything you could. Don’t ever think otherwise.”

Acid filled my stomach as memories grew stronger. Things had been bad, and I didn’t help. Not long before we stopped talking, Connor had been especially irritable one night, and we argued. I tried to call the next morning to apologize, and when it went to voicemail, I sent a text. He didn’t respond, and as much as I hated to admit it, it was a relief not to talk to him that day.

“You hurt me,” I said, “but I acted like a child. I don’t know how—” My voice cracked, and I cleared my throat before I could continue. “I hate the way I handled things. Ordidn’thandle them, I should say.”

He put a hand on my arm and squeezed. “We both made mistakes, Zach. Losing both my parents so close together was a terrible blow, and having to care for Dad the way I did only made things worse. It messed me up so much I still can’t stand to think about it.”

“I’m so sorry.” I took Con’s hand and traced circles on his palm. “When I’d come to visit, I could see how much it was taking out of you, but you wouldn’t let me help.”

He shook his head vigorously. “Youdidhelp. Coming up there, supporting me. That made more difference than you can imagine.”

I’d realized the experience was breaking Con, but I hadn’t known how to deal with it. “I should have done more. I don’t know why I didn’t make you leave the house for a few hours, get your mind on something else.”

He rolled his eyes. “And how do you think it would’ve gone down if you tried? Do you know me at all?”

“Yeah, I do.” I interlaced our fingers. “I was the only one who could have helped.”

“If I’d let you.” His face crumpled. “God, it hurt so bad.”

Letting his hand go, I wrapped him in a hug. “You were amazing. I couldn’t have done everything you did.”

He blurted words and phrases between sobs. “Tried… couldn’t make it better… you helped. Was hurting you…”

I held him while he cried, staying quiet to give him time with his feelings. He hadn’t cried so hard even after his dad died. It was a good sign he felt safe enough to do it now, right?

After he stopped sobbing, he kept his head against my chest and held on to me while the wind blew outside. After a while, he mumbled, “I got your shirt wet again.”

I kissed the top of his head. “Get it wet anytime you want. I’ve got you, babe.”

He leaned his head back and looked at me. Even with watery eyes, tear-stained cheeks, and a runny nose, he was the most beautiful man I’d ever seen. “I never stopped loving you, Zach,” he said.

My stomach flipped. Had he really said the words I’d wanted to hear for so long? “What?”

“Last night, you wondered if I had stopped loving you. I didn’t. After Dad passed away, I was in shock.” A few more tears trickled down Con’s cheeks, and he swallowed noisily. “I didn’t know how to feel. I couldn’t sleep or eat. It was all I could do to get out of bed some days.”

“That must have been awful.” It made me sick to think about what he’d gone through and how I’d failed him.

He took a deep breath, his gaze locked onto mine. “I’d already wasted a year of your life. The whole time Dad was sick, you came to Boston every weekend, and then you had to sit around because I was too busy to do anything. I barely had time to talk to you, much less have sex. I knew you must have been frustrated, and I wanted you to be happy.”

“That’s not fair,” I said, my heart racing. “I wanted to be there for you. I loved you, and you wouldn’t even talk to me.”

Connor rested his head against my chest again, his vulnerability palpable. Sniffling, he said, “It was a terrible thing to do. I was hurting too much to see that you were in pain too. How did things get so fucked up?”

I couldn’t believe how short-sighted I’d been. Con hadn’t intended to hurt me, but in his depression, he did. Wounded, I’d pulled away when I should have taken care of him. “I was a stupid ass,” I said, “knowing you were in pain but giving up anyway.”

“You kept me sane for so long.” Connor’s voice was heavy with regret. “I don’t know what I’d have done without you. I totally understand why you reacted like you did. Can you forgive me for how I was?”

“Yes,” I choked out. “Will you forgive me too?”

“Oh, honey.” He squeezed me hard. “I was never mad at you. But yes, if it makes you feel better, I forgive you.”

We broke down, clinging to each other like drowning men while our sobs echoed off the walls. Later, when things got quiet, we held each other.

The lights flickered, and I startled. I held my breath for a moment before saying, “I think the power will stay on. Are you all right?”

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