Page 17 of Christmas for Keeps

Jesus, I sound like a nut. Why can’t I keep my thoughts in one lane?

I hoped he didn’t want to discuss everything over breakfast. Regardless of how soon I was able to leave, we had to talk things out before I went back to Boston. If I could get my bearings and figure out the car situation, I should be able to focus enough for us to talk this afternoon.

While I gulped the coffee, thoughts I’d had during the night returned. I hadn’t wanted to hurt Zach. I hadn’t wanted to break up at all, but after Dad died, it was like I was possessed by feelings I couldn’t control, let alone understand. Our last real conversation haunted me. We were on FaceTime, and he was pressing for us to get together.

“How’s it going? I’ve been thinking about you.” Zach’s voice was pinched, and the lines between his eyes looked painful.

I tried to muster a smile because I was happy to talk to him. “I’m okay. No need to worry.”

“You must be lonely, and I know you’re hurting with your dad gone. Maybe I should come to Boston?”

“No. You stayed a long time after the funeral, and I don’t want you to get further behind at school.”

We locked eyes, and it was clear he was choosing his words carefully. Finally, he said, “You mean so much more to me than school, Con. I’ll withdraw for personal reasons and come back next semester. I want to be there with you right now.”

“Absolutely not. Finish what you started. I’ll be here, and we’ll figure things out.”

He sighed. “I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you come to New York this weekend?”

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see him. I loved him deeply, but the way things were, I felt like dead weight dragging him down. If I weren’t such a coward, I’d tell him I needed a few weeks to get myself together. “Is that a good idea? You were telling me last week how far behind you are.”

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “You know I can work when you’re around. I’ll do better with you here, and we’ll get to see each other. I miss you so much.”

My eyes welled up because I wanted to see him too. I never felt safer than when he held me, but I was so confused. I’d been pushing him away whenever he tried to get close. Instead of telling him that, I said simply, “I miss you too.”

“Then come down.” He leaned closer to the phone and wrinkled his forehead. “Please.”

I didn’t want to say no, but what if I went to see him and curled up in a ball all weekend? That wouldn’t help him at all. “I’ll let you know tomorrow, okay? I’ve got some stuff to do, but maybe I can put it off. Let me think about it in the morning when my head’s clearer.”

He pressed his lips together before asking, “Will you definitely let me know tomorrow?”

“Yes, I promise. Call me as soon as you’re finished with class, okay?”

His shoulders slumped, and his eyes got shiny. “Do you have to go now? I’ve got more time.”

His pleading look broke my heart. Tomorrow, I’d get dressed and go out for a bit. When he called, I’d be in a good mood, and I’d tell him I couldn’t wait to spend the weekend together. I’d smile and laugh, and we’d talk for hours. I was tired of the darkness that had taken over my heart, and I was sure Zach’s love could drive it away.

But for now, I had to go. “I’m exhausted, honey. We’ll talk for as long as you want tomorrow night.”

“And you won’t forget about coming here? To think about it, I mean.”

“I promise.”

He smiled, and his face lit up the phone screen. “I love you, Con. More than you can imagine.”

“I love you too. Have a good night.”

And that was it. I didn’t go out the next day, I didn’t go to New York for the weekend, and apart from a couple of short, unhappy phone calls full of excuses, I didn’t talk to him again. We texted a little, and then I stopped hearing from him at all.How could I have been so fucking stupid? And how can he possibly be so nice now?

I groaned in frustration as I got out of bed. After using the bathroom, I put on flannel pajama bottoms and a UNY Bulldogs T-shirt from college. Then, I braved reality and went to find Zach. A fire crackled in the fireplace, but Zach was nowhere to be seen. Hearing voices in the kitchen—what the hell, did that damn man come back?—I headed that way.

Instead of talking to company, Zach was turning bacon in a skillet and watching a small TV on the kitchen counter. He looked up when I entered the room. “He liveth!”

Zach sometimes liked to end words in “eth,” which had always tickled me. “I liveth,” I said, “and I ameth hungry.”

He chuckled. “You ameth, huh? Come watch the bacon, and I’ll make waffles.”

“How nice of you to go to all this trouble.” I took my place at the stove while he ladled batter into the waffle iron.

---