Page 14 of Christmas for Keeps

He nodded, looking like he’d rather cry. Between breaths, he said, “Sure. Want to sit?”

CHAPTER4

Zach

What the hell?If Connor didn’t want to have sex as much as I did, he was a world-class actor. He hadn’t been all over me like that since before his dad died. Hadn’t we waited long enough? It had been four goddamn years. We could go to bed and get things back on track. We could show how much we’d missed each other. We could beusagain.

Us? Yeah, right. It’s been too long. You could fuck all night, and that still wouldn’t fix things.

Shit.I raked my fingers through my hair and sat beside him on the couch. Unlike before, he scooted across the cushion, putting distance between us, and I glanced away to hide the tears in my eyes. I stared into the fire while chaotic emotions wrapped around my heart. I’d been messed up for so long after we ended back then. Hell, I wasstillscrewed up. A self-help book I read about recovering from lost relationships harped on the idea that a person couldn’t be The One if they weren’t interested, but that didn’t help because I was still interested, whether he was or not. As much as I hated to admit it, our separation was my fault. It was time to fix things, and if I could find—

“Zach?” Connor’s voice was small.

I looked at him. He’d pressed his lips together, and his eyes were dull. Wrinkle lines creased his forehead, making me want to trace them with my fingers and coax them into relaxing. “I’m sorry.”

“Why sorry?” he asked as light glinted in his eyes. “I was in a hundred percent, and I know you felt how much I want you.”

“You felt me too. How much I need you.”

His worry lines still hadn’t eased, and he gazed at me for a long moment. “Sex was never a problem for us.” He cleared his throat. “Well, until…”

I hated to see him hurting; we’d been having such a good time all evening. “Con, I—”

“We need to think about what we’re doing. There’s no question we want each other, but… well, do we really, or is it just what we know, how we learned to relate?”

“That’s bullshit. I care about you. I always have.”

“And I care about you. That’s why it’s important for us not to do this to each other. We can’t hook up.”

Frustration roiled inside, and I was too loud when I said, “It wouldn’t be hooking up. After all we meant to each other, how could you say that?”

“Meant.You used past tense.”

“You still mean—”

“What would you call it when two people who’ve been broken up for years go to bed? Sounds like a hookup to me.”

“We didn’t fucking break up! Breaking up requires talking, which is something we both stopped doing. I know I should have called you, but it got so damn hard, always getting voicemails or promises to call me back, which you never did. I knew you were hurting, and I dropped the ball. But I still—”

“Zach?”

His soft tone soothed me, but not as much as his soft hands.Wait—if I feel them, that must mean…I looked down, and he was holding my hand between both of his. “Con, you…”Oh fucking shit!Tears escaped my eyes, and I used my free hand to wipe them away. My throat was too full to speak, so I stared at him.

“See what I mean?” he asked. “You’re hurting already. Imagine how bad it would be if we did something.”

“You’re hurting too,” I choked out. “I don’t know why you’re being like this. I know I messed up. If we could talk about it—”

“No.”

Why doesn’t he just smack me in the jaw?“No? After all this time, we finally see each other again, and you say we can’t even talk about what happened?”

“Zach,pleasestop.” Letting me go, he buried his face in his hands for so long I wanted to yell at him to look at me. His cheeks were wet when he raised his head. “That isn’t what I meant. I’m the one who asked to talk a few minutes ago, remember?”

Still irritated, I scoffed. “Tell me what’s on your mind, then.”

He sagged against the back of the couch and dropped his hands into his lap. “I was trying to say what happened wasn’t your fault. It was mine.”

“How was it yours? I’m the one who stopped calling.”

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