Page 8 of On the Line

“It just happened,” I answer, trying to keep my cool.

He makes an annoyed grunt and I say nothing more, waiting for him to speak.

“What are you going to do there?” he finally asks.

“Server.”

The silence that follows is pointed and I already brace for what he’ll say next. His words are often like acid, they sizzle and burn on my skin and soul, yet I know he’s just being protective.

“So you’re just going to spend your days flirting with random strangers for money? Absolutely fucking not Jamie, I won’t allow it.”

I know I shouldn’t, it will only exacerbate his already piss-poor mood but the words fly out of my mouth. “Well, good thing I don’t need your permission then.” I sigh loudly. “Look, I don’t feel like fighting right now. I don’t have a choice, Zachary, okay? I need the money.”

He lets out another one of his disdainful scoffs. “This isbeneath you …servingpeople at a restaurant? You're a Ferdinand for god’s sake.”

“That name isn’t doing me any good now, is it?” I say with resignation. I push myself off the bed and drop the towel, sticking my cell phone into the crook of my shoulder. Before he can reply I cut him off. “Anyway, I’ve got to go. Have fun this weekend, say hi to your mom for me. Text me when you get there.” I hang up before he has a chance to throw another accusation my way. Tossing my phone back onto the bed, I breathe out a heavy sigh.

No matter how short, our conversations always manage to deplete all of my energy. I don’t even know why we’re still together anymore, other than that our families approve and are hoping marriage and babies will follow quickly after our impending graduation.

I used to value my parents’ approval more than anything … until I realized living for their approval meant sacrificing parts of myself.

Funny how much things can change in just a few short months.

Things with Zachary seemed so perfect when we first started dating. Those first six months were blissful. He was so attentive back then. Made me feel so adored. Spoiled. Safe.

Things eventually just became … harder between us. He turned jealous. Controlling. His temper on a shorter and shorter fuse.

Yet, I stay.

Because deep down, I still believe he’s a good guy.

Ineedto believe he’s a good person.

The memories of Zachary at the very beginning are holding me hostage, as comforting as a gun to the temple while I hope that one day he’ll revert back to how it oncewas. My habitual tendency to romanticize the past playing accomplice to my unnervingly confusing feelings.

I change into a matching set of sage green sweats and tie my hair into a bun. Fishing out the Orso menu from my bag, I settle into bed. The musty bedroom air sticks to my comforter but I pretend I can’t smell it. I read through each item diligently, finding a mix of French and Italian dishes. Just looking at the prices makes me feel poor.

“Well, I won’t be eating foie gras any time soon,” I say mockingly under my breath.

Anxiety suddenly claws up my throat.

What if I can’t do this?

What if Elle realizes I don’t know what I’m doing and fires me on the spot?

What if I’m a failure just like my father predicted?

Groaning out loud, I try to shake off the intrusive thoughts and the tears I can feel prickling my nose. Now suddenly dreading tomorrow and the new job I was so happy to get, I reach for my sketchbook and put on one of my comfort shows.

I spend the rest of the night drawing, trying to keep my mind as quiet as possible.

2

JAMES

It’s eight p.m. on a Friday, and Orso is slammed. I’ve been shadowing Michelle—the server training me—trying to keep up with her, but the busier it gets the more she seems to speak in codes.

Everyone is.

---