Page 71 of On the Line

I listen to the sound of the rain.

I listen to my own breathing.

I’m not sure how long I sit there, staring out into the dark night but eventually, I calm down. I’m still on edge, my jaw painfully clenched, but at least I’m no longer in a downward spiral.

I pull out a cigarette from my damp pack, and with still shaky hands, I light it—hoping the nicotine will help.

It does. But only a little.

Starting the car, I put on a death metal playlist and let the music wash over me. The melody reverberates in a similar tune as my frantic thoughts and it settles me somehow.

It gives voice to how I’m feeling inside.

Still, my dad’s voice rings loudly in my head as I pull out of the parking lot.

Us McKennas ruin everything we touch.

I cling to his words.

Chewing on them.

Tasting them.

Swallowing them.

I cling to them until they’re so deeply entrenched inside me that I can no longer remember who said it first. Only that it sounds like the truth. It echoes in my ears as if myancestors were brought back to life, just for them to remind me of my legacy.

Us McKennas ruin everything we touch.

Ruin everything.

Ruin everything.

Ruin.

Everything.

I can’t tell how long I’ve been driving, only that I thought I was driving aimlessly.

Until I’m two blocks away from James’ apartment complex.

I slow down.

Now that her face is at the forefront of my mind.

Now that her name is on the tip of my tongue.

I can see the entrance of her building.

I need to see her.

I park.

I look at the time. It’s two in the morning … I chew on my lip, deliberating. And then call her anyway. She picks up on the second ring.

“Hey you,” she says. Her voice sounds alert as if she was still awake at this hour, and I’m immediately soothed by the cadence of it.

“I thought you’d be sleeping.”

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