Page 41 of Heartbreak Hill

“It’s not dark enough.”

“We can fix that.” With a few more drops of blue food coloring and some more stirring, the frosting was almost the right color. Nothing would ever be perfect in Nadia’s mind. After blue, they did red, green, and gold. All New England team colors. Lynnea sat in front of the oven, with the oven light on, and watched the batter rise to form a cake. If this made her happy and kept her thumb out of her mouth, then Nadia would leave her alone.

Gemma found the piping bags and brought them to the table. She and Nadia filled each one with frosting and then made another batch, “just in case,” according to Gemma, who promptly took a spoonful and stuck it in her mouth. She smiled up at her mom, a toothy grin that Nadia hadn’t seen in months. Nadia put a dollop of frosting on Gemma’s nose and delighted in her laughter. As sad as the day was, hearing her daughter giggle made her heart swell.

“Can I have some?” Lynnea left her perch in front of the oven and came over to her mom and sister. Nadia gave her a spoonful of frosting and put a dollop of it on her nose as well. Another laugh and another pang in Nadia’s heart. Happiness, sorrow, and regret. She longed for Rafe to be with them and hated that he and the girls were missing out on so much of each other.

After the cake had finished baking and cooled, the girls frosted it in the assorted colors while Nadia and Lorraine sat back. The girls were messy and having fun. Gemma bossed her little sister around, but that was to be expected.

“You used to do the same thing to Reuben, and Sienna would tell you both what to do.”

“She still does,” Nadia quipped. Her sister wasn’t there to defend herself. Not like there was much she could say. Sienna had always been the leader of the pack. The take-charge type of person. She was the reason Rafe’s funeral had gone off without any issues, and why Nadia had had a proper goodbye. Sienna had demanded it. Nadia had never been more appreciative of her sister than she had been during that time.

“We’re all done, Mommy,” Gemma said as she and Lynnea slid out of their chairs. Nadia approached the breakfast table with an open mind. As soon as she saw Rafe’s birthday cake, a cake she’d had zero intention of making, her heart filled with pride, joy, and an insurmountable love for her daughters. Before her, the small sheet cake had been decorated in squares, each one a distinct color representing Rafe. The girls had done an impeccable job, for their age, at creating the perfect cake.

“Wow, this is beautiful.”

“Now you just have to add the words, Mommy,” Lynnea said. She pointed to each square. “This one is for baseball.” She went on to each one, showing Nadia which team went where, along with basketball, football, and hockey.

“Girls, this cake is perfect,” Lorraine said when Nadia couldn’t find her voice. “Your dad is going to love it. Let’s clear the space so your mom can add the words.”

The girls moved quickly. Gemma cleaned her chair off, and then held it for Nadia to sit.

“Here you go, Mommy,” Gemma said as she handed Nadia the first piping bag. Nadia cleared her throat and pushed the thoughts of Rafe to the back of her mind. She needed to do this for her children, to make them happy, despite the pain it caused her. If she had her way, she’d still be in bed.

Nadia decorated the edges of the cake and then wrote “Happy Birthday” in the middle. She sat back and studied her work. Years ago, on a whim, she and her friend Hazel had taken a cake-decorating class because they were tired of paying bakery prices. It had panned out for any home project and caused anxiety anytime the school neededsomething. Everyone always assumed Nadia and Hazel would do it for free. Of course, it didn’t help that they never spoke up about wanting to be compensated for their talents.

“Wow!” Lynnea exclaimed. “It’s so beautiful.”

“Daddy would love his cake,” Gemma said as she clapped and hugged her mom.

“He would,” Nadia agreed. The question at the forefront of her mind was, What next? Did they add candles? Sing “Happy Birthday”? Celebrate as if he were there?

“Okay, girls, run upstairs and change. I’ll box this up,” Lorraine said. As soon as their thundering footsteps reached the landing upstairs, Nadia gripped her mother’s arm as she reached for the cake.

“What’s going on?”

“The girls want to go to the cemetery and celebrate. I know you probably don’t want to, but they do, and it’s important to them,” Lorraine said pointedly. Nadia opened her mouth to say something but then shut it. “Go get dressed,” Lorraine told her daughter. “We’re leaving in ten minutes.”

Lorraine packed the cake into a box and set a bag on top of it. If Nadia had to guess, it was paper plates. They were going to have a celebration whether she wanted to or not.

Slowly, she made her way upstairs and paused at the bathroom, where the girls were. She listened to them talking about how Daddy would love his cake and how he’d see them from heaven when they were at the cemetery. Nadia had no choice.

In her closet, with her back to Rafe’s clothes, she chose his favorite dress and cried every second it took for her to put it on. She went without makeup and ran a brush through her hair before slipping a hair tie around it to keep it out of her face. She slipped into a pair of sandals and, on her way out of her room, paused. The silver picture frame she kept on her nightstand that held a photo of Rafe danced in the sunlight. Nadia picked it up and ran her fingers over the glass cover, tracing theoutline of his face. “God, I miss you,” she said to his image. Instead of putting it down, she held it to her chest and carried it with her.

Half Rafe’s remains were at the cemetery, in a niche of a columbarium. The other half were at home, on Nadia’s dresser, in a steel gray marble box. At any given time, she could open it and remove his ashes, but she had yet to do that. She figured eventually, they would find a place to spread his ashes, but until then, the box sat there.

When they arrived, Lorraine set a blanket out near Rafe’s niche and carefully unboxed the cake. Gemma and Lynnea sat down, while Nadia placed a bouquet of roses in the metal vase adhered to the columbarium. As she looked around at the other flowers, she saw notes taped to the front of some and wondered if writing a letter to her husband would be therapeutic. But then, she wouldn’t want a stranger to read her thoughts.

Nadia hesitated when she turned toward her mom and daughters. “Sit between the girls,” Lorraine told her. Nadia did before her mother caused a scene.

In the center of the cake, underneath “Happy Birthday,” Lorraine placed a single candle.Is it to mark Rafe’s first birthday in heaven?Nadia wondered.

“Okay,” Lorraine said as she sat back on her heels. She began singing, and the rest of them joined in. They sang softly, saying either “Daddy” or “Rafe” when the song prompted. By the time they’d finished, everyone had tears on their cheeks.

Lorraine kept the celebration going, despite the somber mood, and cut into the cake. She handed a piece to Gemma, Lynnea, and then Nadia before taking her own. They each took a forkful and savored the homemade cake.

“This is yummy, Grandma,” Gemma said with a mouthful of cake, and also a very colorful mouth thanks to the frosting. Nadia couldn’t help but smile. She didn’t want to be there but was thankful her mother had pushed her to be.

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