Page 57 of Heartbreak Hill

Nadia looked out the kitchen window, pausing while washing a pot left over from homemade mac ’n’ cheese. A cardinal sat on the tree, staring at her. At least that’s what it seemed like. If she tilted her head, the cardinal did as well. She’d heard (and seen on the numerous sympathy cards) about cardinals being messengers from passed-on loved ones. Prior to losing Rafe, she never would’ve bought into anything of the sort, but lately, she’d even contemplated visiting a medium. She’d watched enough shows and had seen the reaction of people who’d heard from someone they missed, and she desperately missed Rafe. With those thoughts, fear set in. What if he didn’t come through to her; then what would she do?

Hazel told her to stay far away from mediums, for the time being. Nadia needed to heal, to start her life anew, and to move on from Rafe. Those words stung Nadia deeply. At the end of October, she’d sort of thought she could begin to move on, but then Thanksgiving happened, and her brand-new dining room table Rafe had insisted on buying sat empty. Nadia and the girls had taken the train to see her parents in Maryland. Her depression returned with a crushing force.

She couldn’t imagine loving anyone other than Rafe for the rest of her life. Deep down, she wasn’t angry at Hazel for being honest, but at the situation. Healing would take time, according to the therapist. As would moving on. There wasn’t a set timeline of when a spouse had to accomplish anything, other than living. That’s what was important. Rafe would want Nadia to live, just as they had been.

She went back to washing the pot and tried to ignore the bird. When she looked up again, he was closer to the window. The branch he was perched on wasn’t strong enough to hold a bird, or so she thought. Nadia dried her hands, picked up her phone, researched what cardinalsliked to eat, and then ordered everything—including the window bird feeder that would safely bring birds into her home. If the cardinal was Rafe, in some roundabout way, then she’d do whatever she could to take care of him.

When she looked out the window again, the bird was gone. Her heart missed a beat, and a wave of sadness washed over her. She’d bring this up at her next appointment; she’d ask her therapist if she was delusional or if messages from the beyond really did exist. She needed to believe they did. Tomorrow, she’d set up the bird feeder and hope for the best.

The girls came downstairs, dressed and ready to go to their grandparents’ house. Their normal Christmas Day visit had changed when Nadia had told Cleo and Otto they were heading to her parents’ house. She needed to surround herself with love and affection. She wanted to curl up next to her sister in the bed they’d shared, when they’d talked about boys, life, and heartache, like they used to when they were in high school and home from college. Reuben would be there, eager to spend time with his nieces.

Gemma twirled when she came into the kitchen. Both girls wore matching green velvet dresses that complemented their hair color: Gemma with her auburn hair like Nadia’s, and Lynnea’s blonde locks, reminiscent of Rafe’s.

“Wow,” Nadia said as she placed her hand over her heart. “How did I get so lucky with you two?”

Gemma curtsied. Lynnea, on the other hand, tapped her cheek and gazed evilly at the ceiling. “I know about how babies are made.”

Oh, God.

“No, you don’t, Lynnea. Stop saying that,” Gemma said with so much mom sass that Nadia cringed. Gemma had had to grow up a lot in the past handful of months. Something Nadia had never wanted for her daughter. Either of them. They needed to stay babies for as long as possible, and never leave her.

“Yes, I do!”

“Girls, please.” Nadia had no intention of asking her daughterhowshe knew where babies came from, until later.

“There’s a mommy and a daddy, and they—”

“Lynnea, stop,” Nadia demanded. “This isn’t something you talk about except with me, got it?” The last thing she needed was for Lynnea to say something to Astrid today. Freya would lose her ever-loving mind. As it was, Freya was none too happy to have to celebrate Christmas early on account of Nadia wanting to be elsewhere. Nadia couldn’t win and suspected this would be the last Christmas she spent with her in-laws. Next year, they could take the girls for one day. Cleo and Freya were doing a damn good job of making her feel unwelcome.

Those feelings weren’t an exaggeration. When they arrived at the Karlssons’ house, the environment was anything but welcoming. Freya barely said hello. Lars couldn’t get the day off from work, even though it was Saturday. Leif couldn’t put his phone down to talk to anyone, not that Nadia could blame him. Being the only young man in the family had to be boring for him.

When it came time for presents, everyone gathered in the living room while Otto handed gifts out. Freya chose to have Astrid and Leif wait until the actual holiday, since they’d be at the Karlssons’ place again. Nadia understood. She gave her niece and nephew their gifts and anxiously waited for them to open them.

“They’re going to wait,” Freya said.

“I’d really like them to open them now,” Nadia responded. “Especially Leif.” She’d given him one of Rafe’s ties and tie clips, knowing how important it had been to Rafe that young men dress up for occasions. It had taken a lot for Nadia to go through some of Rafe’s things and find the right one for Leif.

“He’ll wait.”

“Astrid—” Nadia stopped talking and nodded. There was no use in arguing. Besides, the kids didn’t look eager to open anything anyway.

Nadia was handed a small box. She waited until the girls opened their presents, smiling along with them each time they held up theirnew toy or item of clothing. When the girls finished, Freya and Cleo left the room, saying they needed to get dinner ready. Nadia sat there, with the small box in her lap and a forced smile on her lips.

“I’m sorry,” Otto said. “Rafe’s death has been hard on her, and seeing you and the girls—”

“I get it.” She didn’t. Her children were Cleo’s grandchildren. Her son’s children. Cleo should’ve showered them with love and affection, the way only a grandma could. But no, she was cold and mean.

“Mommy.” Gemma caught Nadia’s attention. She strained a weak smile.

“Yeah, baby.”

“I don’t feel good. Can we go home?” Nadia wanted to hug and kiss her daughter for being sick. It was the excuse she needed to get the hell out of there.

“Yeah, we can.”

“Nadia—” Otto started to say but stopped when she shook her head. Getting out of there had to happen before she broke down. Otto stood, gathered the girls’ presents, and carried them out to the car. Nadia said nothing to her mother- and sister-in-law and could barely hug Otto. The first holiday after losing your spouse wasn’t supposed to be shitty.

As soon as they pulled away, she looked at Gemma in the rearview and saw her crying. “What’s wrong, Gemma?”

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