Page 23 of Solitude

NO!!

I regret telling you about my crush on him.

But…maybe. I saw him tonight after we talked.

He looks good. College has been VERY good to him. Did you drool on him?

NO. Not much anyway lol.

Well you’ll have plenty of time to drool and stare since he’s finally home for the summer

You’re not supposed to encourage my crush, Gwen. You’re supposed to be the voice of reason.

Uh, I am. I think you should go for it!!

It’s a silly crush!!

Well maybe he has a silly crush on you too. Y’all can have silly crushes on each other.

My mom would kill me

UGHHH gotta do something for yourself eventually, Win

And that’s supposed to be Beck?

Could be if you fucking let it!

Oh look at the time

Gotta go walk my fish

You could at least try to find a good excuse

Sorry! I can’t hear you! You’re breaking up! Byeeeee

Closing out Gwen’s thread, I go to my contacts and click on the new number saved, smiling when I see his contact name.Moby Dick. For a solid minute, I let myself type out a message to him. Some kind of apology or olive branch to smooth over whatever discourse my mother just caused, but in the end, I can’t send anything.

Instead, I scroll to the bottom of his information and let my thumb hover over the red delete button.

Nothing good would come from allowing myself to pretend Beckett Hale could care about me in the slightest. Nothing good would come from letting myself trip and stumble over myself this summer to be near him because he’s only going to disappear again in a couple months.Nothing good would come from living in a delusional daydream where I’m cool and calm enough to truly believe Beck won’t break my heart.

So, in the end, I push the delete button, lock my phone, and curl my arms around my knees as I stare at the house next door like always.

The universe must hate me.

Three nights ago, I sat on my bed and had a moment of clarity where I wiped the silent, wet tears off my splotchy cheeks and decided to be done with this ridiculous crush on Beckett Hale.

I fell asleep curled up in a ball with the knowledge that as soon as morning came and a new day started that I would let go of the silliness behind liking someone so much it affected my days and nights. I woke up feeling determined and focused.

Everything was going fine. Great, even.

For three days, my coffee was hot and sweet; my shoes slipped on easily without me needing to untie and re-tie them; my scones were jam-filled and delicious.

Even Cole was all smiles and quiet politeness when he came into Sugar before his shift started and also at the support group meeting this morning.

It has been exactly what I needed to make me forget about a certain man taking up entirely too much space in my mind.

Three days of carefully avoiding the park that’s been my hideaway and warily watching to make sure he’s not outside whenever I’m walking to work or whenever I pass his driveway on the way home. Three days of pushing every thought of Beckett Hale to the side like I haven’t thought about him every day for nearly six years.

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