Page 15 of Solitude

The receiver crackles for a minute then she says, “You can think about boys when we get to Harvard! Think of all the college boys, Win.”

“Matthew McConaughey isn’t going to be at Harvard.”

“Well, no, but your future husband could be.”

“That’s doubtful.”

She sighs, “I know you think it’s going to be Winnie and Beckett sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G, but you have to let go of that crush. As your friend, I’m ready to stage an intervention.”

“This isn’t even about him,” I mumble. “I’m over it. Have been. Who’s Beckett?”

“Yeah… You’re not convincing me. Stop drooling over him for two seconds, and you’ll finally snag a boyfriend you can actually kiss and?—”

“Ah! No, stop.”

Sienna chuckles. “Okay, but that means it’s time to get serious about Harvard in a couple months.”

I groan, flopping around like a toddler having a tantrum on my bed. “Si, please. Please, please, please. I thought this was going to be the summer of fun.”

My feisty, red-headed best friend has the audacity to scoff into the phone, and I nearly bang my head on the wall.

“We had fun. Now it’s time to crack down.”

My voice is high-pitched and unrecognizable. “We didn’t have fun! We didn’t do anything other than lay around. That wasn’t the kind of summer you promised me.”

Sienna’s too calm for my liking, and I hate the way she sighs like I’m a child she cannot seem to get through to. “Winnie, if you want to have fun, don’t go to Harvard, babe. You have to work hard to have nice things.”

“Maybe I don’t want to go to Harvard then.”

There’s silence on the other line, and I regret my words almost immediately. My eyes flicker over to my desk drawer that’s holding the biggest secret I’ve ever kept, and if Sienna’s silence is any indicator, it’s for a good reason.

After a minute, Sienna says brightly, “Don’t be silly, Winnie. This is our dream.”

Ourdream.

No. I can’t say going to Harvard and following in my parents’ footsteps is my dream. I don’t even think it’s really Sienna’s, but I can’t worry about her when my world suddenly feels like it is falling apart around me.

“Right,” is all I manage.

She’s silent for a moment. Then, in that same bright voice I hate, she tells me, “My mom just hollered for me, so I’ll text you later.”

“Yeah…”

When we end the call, I don’t unmute the television just yet. I stare at Matthew and Kate playing cards and falling in love, and I imagine it’s me. That something could potentially ever happen to me, but it just seems so unlikely.

My fingers hover over the keyboard, and I tap Cole’s message thread.

What if I never figure it out?

You will.

But what if I don’t? I mean… you still haven’t.

Maybe not. Doesn’t mean I’ve given up on trying though.

Do you think there will ever come a time when you do give up?

No, kid. I’ll hit rock bottom over and over again if it means I can get back up and try again.

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