Page 50 of Solitude

My eyelids flutter shut as I bring my hands to his waist tentatively, still afraid that at any moment, this—Beck—could disappear and leave me grasping at air.

When he pulls back, he doesn’t release me. In fact, he only pulls away far enough to allow him to rest his forehead against mine as we breathe in and out together.

“Say you’re mine,” Beck whispers, and his voice shakes like he’s truly scared. He shakes his head slightly and swallows. “You’re allowed to say whatever you want, Winnie. Always. But I’m standing here hoping you’ll say you’re mine.”

My breath comes out in short, staccato beats, harsh in the night’s silence, and I close my eyes.

“This feels too fast, Beck.”

“I know.”

Peeking up at him, I pull away so I can really look at him. I repeat, “This is too much, too fast.”

Beck nods, “Yeah.”

“But that doesn’t matter?”

“It doesn’t matter, Winnie.” Beck swallows thickly, hand shifting, so he’s cupping my cheek again. “I will go as slow or as fast as you want to go, but…”

My heart is beating out of my chest, the rough staccato sounding embarrassingly likeBeckettto my ears.Like from the beginning my heart has beat a steady rhythm for him and only him. Like my crush on the boy next door has morphed into something larger than I ever imagined it could be.

“But?”

Beck stares at me, and I wonder if I’ll ever remember all the times when he didn’t stare at me before this moment? If I’ll remember the time before he touched me so delicately, like I am something special to him? If I’ll ever stop feeling all of these butterflies in my stomach when he speaks to me? If my skin will ever stop catching fire whenever he’s near, like his proximity is enough to make me combust?

“But,” Beck repeats, “I want you. It feels insane, I know. I feel insane even saying it when realistically we’ve only known each other for a few months.”

“I’ve known you for years, Beck,” I remind him with a soft, tentative chuckle.

He nods, smiling now, and there’s an appreciative gleam in his eye at my lighthearted response. “We’ve known of each other. Now youknowme, though, Winnie.”

“There’s a difference?”

But even as I say it, I know there is. There’s a vast difference between the Beck I know now and the Beck I thought I knew just two years ago. There’s a new level of intimacy and trust between us, even before he kissed me.

He levels me with his gaze, blue eyes shining brightly. “Don’t be coy.”

Smiling softly, I realize my hands have slid their way up to his shoulders, holding him close. “I wouldn’t know how to be coy if I tried.”

“You’re—”

Beck’s cut off by his phone buzzing, loud and shrill, and we jump apart as he reaches into his back pocket to cut it off.

“Sorry,” Beck mumbles as he looks down at the screen then pockets the device, never answering the call, and I duck my head to hide my growing smile. I don’t want him to neglect his responsibilities or friends, but I enjoy knowing I have all of his attention right now.

“Ben…” Beck says by way of explanation, and I lift my head to look at him. “He was probably reminding me I still need to pack.”

“When is your flight?” I ask, sobering.

“We need to leave by three in the morning.”

“And you still haven’t packed?”

Beck chuckles. He extends his hand toward me. “I know, I know. Come on. I’ll walk you home.”

Our fingers intertwine as we link hands, and I bask in the warmthof his large, calloused hand wrapped around my pale, delicate one. Two total opposites.

As we walk home, I ponder over Beck’s words, and I finally note the way he seems desperate, almost, in his pleading for me to give this a chance, even though it scares the hell out of me. I never even realized just how much it terrifies me until Beck laid it all out there for me.

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