Page 49 of Solitude

Beck looks like he’s in pain from how confused he is. “I see it. I can imagine all of that, Winnie. Where is this going? Because you look like that sounds worse than sex with a cactus.”

Ignoringthat.

“Imagine it all crashes to the ground in the end, Beck. Imagine, after all the work we’ve put into having such a great relationship that can survive being miles and miles apart and your big NHL dreams, that it just comes crumbling down around us.”

“Why—”

I cut him off quickly. “I couldn’t survive that. I’ll be able to move on with my life if this ends here because I never got the opportunity to truly know you, Beck, but if I’m able to know you and love you? I won’t survive the end of this.”

Beck shakes his head and takes a step away, but I can tell it kills him to put space between us. “I see what you’re trying to do here, and I’m telling you now to fucking stop it.”

“Excuse me?”

“You can be scared, Winnie. You can feel insecureand unsure about me and my feelings for you. You can even think about all the ways this will go wrong. I get it.”

My brain short circuits.Feelings for me?I mean, yes, sure, but to hear him say it? Wow.

Beck scowls, eyes narrowing as his chest heaves a bit. “But you’re not allowed to give up because you’re scared to…what? Even try? Potentially waste your time by loving me?”

I sputter a bit. “I…I just meant?—”

“I know this is too soon to say all of this,” Beck mumbles, shoving a hand through his hair. The dark strands stick up at off angles, and the sight makes something in my chest relax.

Nodding, I stay silent, waiting for my tongue to unstick from the roof of my mouth.

“Live your life a little, Winnie,” Beck says, still standing away from me, and I have the slightest inkling that maybe now he’s guardinghimselffromme. “You once told me about only living for your parents…”

My arms cross defensively over my chest. “I’m not. I?—”

Beck runs his hands through his hair again. “What do you need from me right now, Winnie? What can I say or do?”

“I don’t know!” I breathe heavily, arms thrown out at my sides as I stare at him. “I don’t know, okay? I have had the most embarrassing crush on you foryears, Beck. Years! So maybe it’s a little daunting and a whole lot terrifying tohear you call meprettyor say that you have feelings for me.”

Beck steps closer now, hands still at his sides as he gazes down at me. “Get fucking scared then, Winnie. Because I don’t think you’re pretty. You are so unbelievably beautiful that I might just quit hockey altogether to write sonnets about you. I’ll shout them from every rooftop in this town.”

“Beck—”

“I might not have the time under my belt like you do, butIhave the silly, embarrassing crush now.” Beck has a ghost of a smile on his face, but all I can do is stare at him with wide eyes, hearts on our sleeves. “I think about you constantly, Winnie. First thing in the morning when I’m wondering what kind of coffee you’re drinking that morning, and you’re my last thought when my head hits the pillow every night, wondering if you’re reading once of your books or watching a terrible, trashy movie too late.”

“Beck, please?—”

He powers on, ignoring my attempts to interrupt him. “I look for your blonde hair and honey eyes in every crowd. At my games, around campus, in all the coffee shops. I watchedHow to Lose a Guy in Ten Dayssolely because you told me how much you love it.”

Roughly, I breathe out. “It’s one of the best rom-coms…”

He chuckles. “Winnie, fuck, I came home for Christmas for the first time in two years just so I could see you.”

“I…thank you.”

Beck rolls his eyes, running both of his hands through his hair. “Don’t thank me, Jesus.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize either.”

I fist my hands on my hips. “What am I allowed to say, then?”

Beck takes my face between his hands, soft and warm and huge as he cups my cheeks in a way that makes me feel small, and he pulls me into his body. His lips press against mine in an intoxicating answer to my question, and I melt.

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