Page 48 of Solitude

Beck looks at me, his feet dragging to a stop as he stands far back, the rubber seat at the top of his butt. “What are you saying then?”

Inhaling nervously, I lick my lips and shrug my shoulders, a small, uncomfortable smile on my face. “I… I just think that, while it doesn’t make it right, there’s potentially a deeper reason for Andy’s behavior.”

Beck stares at me then he lets out a breath and slides onto the seat as he glides past me deftly, then back again before I can blink.

He doesn’t say anything else, but I can see the way the corner of mouth turns down as he processes my words.

But me? I watch him.

I memorize the way the blue hue of his eyes darken in the moonlight and the way they crinkle at the corners whenever he’s happy and relaxed. I catalogue all the different depths to his dimples and just how to make them appear on his face. I commit all the vulnerable and honest versions of Beckett he’s shown me in such a short time to my memory, just in case this is the last time we sit together like this.

Just like the first time we met here, our swings pass each other going in the opposite directions. Unlike the first time, my brain interprets it as a sign.

That’s how it feels with Beck.

Like we’re going in opposite directions constantly.

But occasionally there’s a moment, brief and fleeting, where we meet in the middle. We share a smile and a hushed flurry of secrets before we’re separating again, arms outstretched as life yanks us away from one another before we can get too comfortable.

It’s frustrating.

Standing from the rubber seat, I cross my arms over my chest and rub the palms of my hands over my arms. It’snot cold, but I shiver anyway, the anxiety I feel rumbling beneath my skin as I gaze up at the sky.

There are stars everywhere, and it’s the first time I wish I knew how to look for constellations in the sky so when I look back on this moment, I can remember that when I looked up at the night sky Orion or Pegasus or the Big Dipper were there.

Instead, I sigh, overwhelmed in the moment with emotion.

Behind me, I hear Beck’s swing stop squeaking beneath his weight as he dismounts. His feet crunch over the mulch as he comes to stand directly in front of me, but I don’t look at him.

I can’t.

“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” Beck asks, and I grin at the parallels between all the time we’ve spent together at this park and how it bleeds into every time afterwards.

Head tilted backwards, I confess, “The first time you asked me that I nearly melted.”

Beck chuckles. “It’s because I called you pretty, isn’t it?”

“You are the only boy I’ve ever cared about whether or not you thought I was pretty, and…” I chew my lip as I pause for a moment, “even now it feels surreal to stand here with you.”

“Hey,” Beck says, hand touching my chin softly as he uses his grip on my chin to pull my face down. Our eyesmeet, and I know I must look terrified. “I’m real. I’m here. This is real. Okay?”

“That’s the scariest part, Beck.”

His brow furrows. “What… Why?”

And bless his heart, he’s so confused. He’s standing in front of me, probably thinking of all the ways this could go horrifically wrong between us as a worst case scenario, and while those thoughts plague me, they don’t scare me. Maybe it’s because I’m fully prepared for it to all circle the drain and be over in a split second.

I am prepared for the miscommunication and mistakes. I’m ready for the arguments and jealousy. I am prepared for the long distance and the yearning that comes along with it. I am prepared to work for a relationship with Beck, star hockey player on his way to the pros, and for it to be stupidly hard.

This whole time I’d been so unsure of… well, everything between us. I remember specifically telling Gwen that the probability of Beck being into me in the slightest is so small that it wasn’t even on my radar. She’d rolled her eyes at me and hummed.

Gwen will gloat and rub it in my face that she was right all along whenever we get a chance to talk. I haven’t even told her Beck and I kissed! In the rain! In my dumb elf costume! Now, I have to tell her that Beck and I are?—

I don’t know what we are, actually.

Regardless, no, that isn’t the thing that makes me want to pack up before we’ve even tried.

“Imagine this, Beck,” I start, voice soft, eyes pleading, and I grab his hands in mine gently. “Imagine everything is perfect between us. Imagine all the ways this could go wonderfully right. We survive all the ridicule from my parents and the gossips in this town. We survive all the short visits and long distance video calls. We survive the jealousy and temptation, the fame and fortune that you’re inevitably going to achieve.”

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