Page 47 of Solitude

I lean in far enough to run the tip of my nose along hers, over the bridge and back down until her eyes flutter closed.

Then I kiss her again.

I kiss her because she’s been on my mind for months. I kiss her because she’s more beautiful soaking wet in a stupid Christmas costume than anyone I’ve ever seen. I kiss her because it feels effortless and life-altering. I kiss her because her lips are soft and chilly, perfectly fittedagainst mine, like her mouth was meant to be pressed against mine.

I kiss her because the idea of not kissing her makes my stomach turn violently.

I kiss her because I’ve wanted to since I pushed her on that swing and told her that her purpose in life was to exist and be happy.

And the best part of it all is that she kisses me back.

Winnie

Saying goodbye to Beck is harder than I thought it would be.

He’s spent most of his time with his family, soaking up as much of their overbearing presence as he can before he has to leave for the airport early in the morning. Ben wanted to leave late Christmas night, but Beck persuaded him to leave early on the twenty-sixth instead.

I don’t want to assume it’s because he doesn’t want to leave me, but my stupid, hopeless romantic heart can’t help but wonder if he’s having as hard of a time trying to say goodbye to me as I am to him.

Easy to think when Beck takes up sneaking through my bedroom window with a grunt and a cheesy grin. Easier to think when he kisses me deeply, lips soft and curious as his hands cup my face and trailing over my waist.

It’s like the floodgates of emotions have opened with Beck, and now I don’t know if it was ever truly me that’s been suffering from a dangerously-bad-for-my-health crush, or if it’s Beck, after all.

I am so confused, scared I might be projecting my own feelings onto him.

The sun slowly sinks as night falls, and I yank the sleeves of my shirt down over my hands, waiting on the swing set. Just like every time I sit in this rundown park, my nerves kick up. When I hear the telltale crunch of footsteps, I twist around, an embarrassing smile spreading across my face.

“Get away from your family?”

Beck chuckles and steps up beside me, hands chilly on my skin as he grabs my face and brushes my hair behind my ears. “Andy video called from somewhere in Europe, so that took forever.”

“Oh?” I feel breathless as he tenderly caresses my face. “How is she?”

Beck runs his thumb over my cheeks, then he pulls away, and my face tilts upwards like I’m chasing after him. He falls gracefully into the swing beside me, and I stare in front of me while I try to gather my bearings.

“She’s good. Living the nomadic life,” Beck says, shrugging. “I just don’t understand where she’s getting the money.”

“Money?”

“Yeah… How is she funding such luxurious trips when she’s never worked a day in her life?”

I tilt my head, intrigued. “Maybe your parents are helping her?”

Beck shakes his head and pushes off the ground, whizzing past me with a small smile. “My parents couldn’t afford to help her, and even if they could, they wouldn’t. It’s been a fight between them for years.”

“Between Andy and your parents?”

Beck nods, and my eyes follow him back and forth. “I don’t know how she did it, but she managed to grow up so entitled. She wants everything given to her.”

“I don’t know,” I say softly. “Maybe, in some roundabout way, it’s less about havingeverything, and more about havingsomethingfor herself.”

“What?”

“There’s so many of you, Beck. You never felt like you missed out? Like you had to share everything in your life with others.” I shrug. “Maybe Andy just wants…to have what she felt like she missed out on.”

Beck’s brow furrows, and he speaks in a sarcastic, incredulous way that makes me smile. “So Andy wants something for herself, but she wants to use all our parents’ money to fund it? Makes total sense.”

“I didn’t say it made sense.”

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