Page 25 of Forest of a Thousand Lanterns

“Itissimple. Forget her and her teachings.” Wei’s fingers hovered over her heart. “Let no one have this but me. I love you as you are. I’ve tried to tell you for years.”

Xifeng closed her eyes, imagining the life he had described to her: a quiet home where they’d raise babies with hearts like his, hearts that loved deeply and faithfully. She could turn her back on Guma and her destiny forever.

But what doIwant?

Choosing Wei would be choosing obscurity. He would shield herfrom the world and she would know nothing but the walls of their home. She would wonder every day if their children had somehow inherited the monster within her. She would have Wei forever, but there would be no glory: nothing to work for, no one to admire her, no cause for which to fight. Loving Wei might be the end of her freedom before it had even truly begun.

But loving Guma might be the end of her sanity.

The creature would poison her from inside, and she would weaken more each day until she could no longer resist it. And even if she fled to the corners of the earth, it would be with her, this being of malevolent dark despair, haunting her in her sleep and terrorizing her when she woke. Thetengaruprophesized that two destinies would shape their world—but which was hers? Would she save herself and Feng Lu, or would she send them to destruction?

According to thetengaruqueen, Xifeng had both the poison and the antidote. Somehow, she had to hold fast to the latter, whatever it was—she had to resist.

“I’m afraid,” she said again.

Wei stroked her hair. “I know. But I’m here, and I always will be.”

If only you knew,she wanted to say, but could not.

Instead, she remained silent and let him believe what he said. It was the kindest thing she could do for him.

The next morning, Xifeng knelt in Akira’s garden, picking flowers for Shiro’s room. Heavy clouds veiled the sun and threatened rain, but she lifted her face to the sky, enjoying the smell of an impending storm.

“Gloomy day,” Hideki called from where he was feeding the horses. “Will you and Wei still explore the city, as you planned?”

“I hope so. I’d like to see more of it.” In fact, she had a very specific destination in mind. She grasped a flower by its stem and wrenched it from the earth, feeling satisfied when it gave way. If Wei refused to grasp his own dream, then she would seize it for him. It pained her to know that helping him might mean losing him—being parted from him forever.But I love him,she tried to tell herself,and if this will make him happy, I must let him go. I’m doing this for Wei.She ignored the tiny laughing voice that remained unconvinced, that knew the disturbing truth: the path she preferred would always place her own happiness first.

Hideki came over, scuffing his boots in the dirt. “I want to apologize if I insulted you yesterday. It was not my intent,” he said awkwardly. “You never mentioned going to court before, and it took me by surprise. I only wished to warn you of the dangers you might face.”

Xifeng surveyed the flowers before her. “It’s not something Wei and I see eye to eye on, either. But I’d like to honor my aunt’s wishes.”

He cleared his throat. “A piece of advice, then. I don’t know how it is here, but in Kamatsu, the eunuchs had a great deal of power.”

“The half men?”

The soldier gave a start. “That’s quite an insult.”

“That’s what my Guma called them,” Xifeng recalled. “But she always believed the concubines to be more dangerous. I know eunuchs guard the king’s harem and have many responsibilities in the palace. Yet how much power could a personal servant wield?”

“You’d be surprised. Some are highly respected in the royal household and even tutor young princes. Our queen had a favorite in whom she confided. If you go to court, befriend the eunuchs. They may prove useful.” He gave her an encouraging nod, and she felt ashamed of her own scornful behavior the day before.

“Would you like to join Wei and me on our walk? I’ll bring these to Shiro and we can go.” She beamed when he gave his ready consent, and went into the pallet room, where Shiro was sitting up and chatting with Akira. His face brightened when he saw the blossoms.

“You’ve brought the garden to me. Thank you, my dear.”

“It’s only fair, since you can’t join us outside today,” Xifeng replied.

“You’d better take an umbrella,” Akira said stiffly, handing her one without a second glance. She adjusted Shiro’s pillow, pushing the vase of flowers away as she did so.

“Akira’s certainly very attentive,” Xifeng remarked to Hideki andWei, who were waiting outside. “She seemed almost jealous when I brought Shiro flowers.”

“Best not to come between a healer and her charge,” Wei said. “Where shall we go?”

“I’d like to see the smithing district you mentioned.” She watched him for any sign of awareness, but he cheerfully took the lead, rambling on to Hideki about shields. She suspected the training fields would be near the swordsmiths, and lo and behold, as they passed through the district, men appeared carrying makeshift weapons like the ones she’d seen the day before. “Let’s go this way,” she called, eager to follow the recruits. “I want to see the public gardens.”

Despite the threat of rain, merchants were out in full force, hawking wares beneath small umbrellas to protect their goods. Within moments, the training fields appeared in the midst of a few schools and city offices, taking up an entire section of the district.

Xifeng glanced at Wei. He stopped midsentence, his eyes fixed on the swords, targets, and crossbows. “Isthiswhere the Emperor’s army trains?” she asked innocently. “Wouldn’t they practice in secret on the palace grounds, to hide their tactics?”

---