Page 46 of Cruel Bet

I look at her, and despite it all, I know I can’t hurt her. I will do as she asks and give her the life she is asking for, one where she’s safe from me and the other monsters of this world. She was never meant for it. I take one last look at her face and harden my heart again. Turning the parts of it she had thawed and softened back to icy stone.

I tear my cold gaze from her and turn and walk toward the door.

“Nikolai, where are you going?” I hear her tearily ask, following tentatively behind.

“I’m leaving, if I look at you again, I can’t promise I won’t hurt you. I’ll send someone here later with ID documents and flight tickets, I’ll arrange everything for you. But I never want to see your face again,” I say, forcing myself to remain standingwith my back to her. “Goodbye, Arianna,” I say, striding out of the door and shutting her out for good.

If she replies, I don’t allow myself to hear it. I have to keep going forward, I know that if I look upon her again, I’d be lost. To the darkness or her light, I’m not sure. But neither one is good for me. For my family. And the Kuzmin family has to come first now.

Chapter 27

Arianna

Three Years Later

Oaxacan coast, Mexico

Ilook on fondly as my daughter plays in the sand of the beach, kicking her chubby toddler legs and giggling. “Mommy, look!” she squeals with delight as Kimiko builds a sandcastle next to her.

The roar of the ocean and the sounds of tourists happily playing, echo around us and I feel one of those rare moments of contentment. When Kimiko visits it’s always less lonely. Though thoughts of Nikolai, never far from my mind, always resurface when she visits every few months or so. She’s done well to hedge most of my indirect questions about him and the life I left behind these past few years, reminding me that this was my choice. I begged her not to talk about any of it long ago.

I’m glad she does, as much as I yearn to know what’s going on in his life, hearing about Nikolai is too painful, even now the years haven’t worn away the pain of leaving him behind. I’m sure that Nikolai must still hate me, and Kimiko knows that telling me this would cause me pain. When she first turned up at the New York apartment and helped me start my new life, I was amazed at her capacity for forgiveness. She doesn’t blame me for my father’s actions against her family. Though I know part of why she visits me must surely be to check up on me. To make sure I’m here, where I should be.

We’ve become pretty good at avoiding certain subjects, such as who the father of Maria Adelina is. I know Kimiko suspects it’s Nikolai, but I’ve always denied it. Told her it was a grief-ridden one-night stand when I first arrived here. Not that I’ve been with anyone since Nikolai. I can’t even imagine being intimate with another man again, and I have a two-year-old daughter to worry about.

Maria Adelina is the reason I make it through each day. She and the very few friends I have in my life. As well as Kimiko, Maria and her husband Diego visit on occasion. In terms of friends who live in my town, I don’t have many. I am friendly with some locals, like the woman who runs the corner shop and my yoga instructor, but for no more than a casual greeting and small talk. The only real friend I have here is my neighbor, Luis, and that’s mostly because he doesn’t take no for an answer, insisting on helping me out when anything goes wrong in the house or helping to bring the groceries in. He’s a decent, kind man, and I know he would like more than friendship from me, but I can’t give it to him. I don’t see him in that way.

Home these days is a small beach town on the Oxacacan coast of Mexico. We live in a modest yet cozy little house just a stone's throw from the ocean. Being here I feel a sense of freedom I never thought possible before. And yet I’m plagued by thoughts of Nikolai. Every time I look at my daughter’s face, I think of him, of all the milestones in our child’s life he is missing out on. I try to convince myself that I made the right decision to leave, to hide her paternity. But these days it’s getting harder and harder to believe it. She deserves a father, and as she grows older, she’s going to want answers about who she is.

I again catch Kimiko studying my daughter with curiosity. As she gets older, the more she resembles her father.While we didn’t have a boy like I imagined, our little girl has Nikolai’s azure-blue eyes. She’s also inherited his stubbornness, strong willpower, and dimpled smile. If her temper tantrums are anything to go by, she’s got his fierceness too.

“Again, again!” she giggles as Kimiko builds another sandcastle for her to smush with her chubby hands. Kimiko is a wonderful unofficial aunty and Maria Adelina adores her.

“One more and then Aunty Kimiko has to leave,” Kimiko tells her.

“No!” she pouts, and I fear she’s going to have a full-on meltdown like the last time Kimiko went home.

“Maybe if you’re good, we can get ice cream on the way home,” Kimiko says, glancing at me for approval.

I nod, happy to agree to it if it saves a tantrum. It’s been lovely having Kimiko here and the last thing I want is for the end of her trip to be spoiled by leaving a screaming toddler behind.

“Of course, we can all get ice cream and wave Aunty Kimiko goodbye. Then, we can read any story you like before bedtime.”

“Yay!” Maria Adelina cheers, placated for now.

“Not so terrible twos after all,” Kimiko says, winking at me.

“Don’t be so sure about that, she can be a right devil child when she wants to be,” I reply with a laugh.

“No way, she’s an angel, aren’t you Mads?” she says affectionately using the abbreviated nickname she came up with when Maria Adelina was still a baby. I coined the nickname myself since it’s quicker and easier for her to say now.

“Yes, I angel,” Mads declares proudly puffing out her belly and grinning as Kimiko showers her with kisses.

“I hope mine are as gorgeous and well-behaved as Mads,” Kimiko says.

“Still no luck?” I ask, referring to her and Juan’s lack of a child yet.

“Nope, but then it’s not like we’ve ever had sex, just tried the old turkey baster method a couple of times and even that feels wrong. We think IVF is going to be easier. I think Isabella and Antonio would prefer that too,” Kimiko adds referring to her and Juan’s respective live-in partners.

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