Page 19 of Cruel Bet

I’m not her prince charming, her knight in shining armor. Her true love. The man she should give her virginity to. She doesn’t deserve to lose her virginity like this. Her first time should be tender, loving, not raw animal fucking with no emotions, with a man who can’t give her what she needs. With a man who can’t love. With a man who doesn’t deserve her.

“I don’t make love,” I say, forcing myself to turn away and leave her.

Chapter 12

Arianna

Ican’t help it. Big fat, shameful tears roll down my cheeks and I let out a sob. All of the stress, the tension, the buildup to finally trusting and letting Nikolai in. The way he touched me and the orgasm he gave me was better than anything I could ever have imagined. I was ready. Totally and completely ready to give myself to him. And he rejected me. I didn’t think he would mind that I’m not as experienced as the other women he’s been with. But I was wrong. He must think there’s something wrong with me. That I’m not desirable. That I will be bad in bed. Shame and embarrassment flood me when only moments ago I felt incredible.

I’ve not long been awake. But all I want to do is crawl back into bed and hide. To sleep this day away and pretend it never happened. Drying myself off, I put my pajamas back on and climb into bed again. It’s clear to me now that Nikolai doesn’t want me in the same way I want him. That he was just trying to get information out of me, but he doesn’t really want to be with me. That he can’t bring himself to pretend to enjoy sex with an inexperienced virgin.

I need to talk to him soon. To stop putting things off and tell him what he wants to know. I have to hope that I’m at least right in thinking he is an honorable man, that he will grant me my freedom once I’ve told him everything. I don’t belong here. I need to leave as soon as possible. Get far away and pretend I never even heard the name Nikolai Kuzmin.

***

After wallowing in self-pity, I fall into a fitful restless sleep. In my dreams, I overheard Nikolai laughing with Endo about how pathetic I was.

“How could she possibly think I’d have feelings for her? That I’d be having sex with her for enjoyment and not just as a means to an end?” dream Nikolai sneered, his face twisted into a mask I didn’t recognize.

At around lunchtime, I’m woken by a soft knock at the door.

“Arianna, is everything okay? I haven’t seen you all day. You haven’t eaten, would you like to join us for lunch?” Dimitri calls out softly.

“I’m not hungry,” I mumble from under the covers, just loud enough for him to hear.

“Arianna…”

“Dimitri, please, just leave me alone.”

I hear him hovering by the doorway for a moment longer, contemplating knocking again. But then I hear him sigh and the sound of retreating footsteps.

At dinner time, the same thing happens again. This time it’s Endo who’s trying to make me get up.

“Come on, princess, you can’t stay locked away forever. You gotta come out and eat sometime.”

“I’m not hungry,” I sulk, though my rumbling stomach disagrees.

“Now, I know that has to be a lie,” Endo chuckles.

When I don’t respond, I hear him let out a long sigh. I think he’s about to leave but then he continues speaking.

“Look, I don’t know what happened between you and Nikolai earlier, and I don’t need to know. But he’ll kill me for not looking after you,” he says.

“Like he gives a shit,” I reply bitterly.

“Arianna, you don’t know Nikolai very well. But I do. He’s different around you. He might not be the best at expressing himself, that kind of comes with the job. He has a lot on his shoulders, everyone in his life looks to him to make all the decisions, and to keep us safe and strong. Trust me when I tell you, he cares for you more than he’s willing to admit. You wouldn’t still be here otherwise. He’d have forced the information out of you and gotten rid of you by now, one way or another.”

Endo’s frank speech causes me to stop for a minute, I want to believe him. But then he doesn’t know what happened this morning, why Nikolai no longer wants me in that way. Endo’s casual mention of how he would normally deal with me doesn’t comfort me, it has me contemplating if that will be Nikolai’s next move. I’m even more resolved that I should throw myself at his mercy and tell him what I know before it’s too late.

“Endo. I appreciate what you’re saying, and I promise, I will tell him my information soon. Just not right now, I can’t face him today.”

“Oh shit, sorry. It probably woulda made this whole conversation a lot faster and convinced you to come out right away if I’d said. Nikolai isn’t here. He’s gone out. He won’t be joining us for dinner.”

I’m ashamed to admit that I feel a pathetic stab of disappointment that he won’t be there before I remember that’s what I want.

“So, you coming down? We ordered pizza,” Endo says, doing his best to tempt me out.

My stomach growls again and I decide, what the hell. If I’m not going to bump into Nikolai and be humiliated further, I might as well come out and eat. It might even take my mind off things.

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