Page 74 of Dirty Monsters

A hole had been punched through my chest cavity, and I didn’t think it would ever be mended. The pain reminded me I had love, if only for a few weeks. Reminded me what we had was real. He was real.

But he didn’t want me. It was obvious. He’d saved his job and let me float aimlessly without him. I wondered if he still worked here. Maybe he was at another house, and I didn’t know it. I scanned for his motorcycle in the parking lot with so much hope it’d be there, and he’d be waiting for me, a helmet outstretched.

I wasn’t okay. I shut down, barely doing what I needed to do to move on to the next step in my recovery. I wondered what recovery I was supposed to be recovering from because I didn’t think it was the drugs and alcohol anymore. No, it was him.

I’d lost twenty pounds. I didn’t eat. I rarely slept. My inner thigh had been torn to hell, and I still fucking miss him.

Shawn walked past me every now and then but didn’t even glance my way. I lost all my friends when I fell into this hole of depression. I didn’t want to burden them with my life, so I pushed them away. Not even Lisa heard the majority of what I was feeling. I’d slap on my happy-go-lucky face and talk about whatever she wanted to, bullshitting my way through each session.

It was working too because I was closer and closer to being out of rehab.

I’d given up on ever seeing Ro again. If I hadn’t seen him by now, I doubted I would in the future. He’d left me, high and dry. To fend for myself. Maybe it was his way of getting back at me for all those years ago.

I stuck my neck out for him. I’d kept our secret and bared my ugly truths when I’d spoken with Mrs. Tessier, but she told me it was better not to have him around to inhibit my treatment. He’d chosen to leave on his own. At first, I didn’t buy it. I thought, how could he just walk away from what we had. I foolishly believed we meant more to each other, but as the days slipped by, I questioned even that. I questioned a lot of things.

I had one more week at Beachside, and then I was out, done. It was all finally over, and the funny thing was, nothing changed. I still felt like an addict. Only my addiction for him had turned into love and made me a fucking fool. Had he ever really loved me?

I guessed I wouldn’t know now. I needed to survive the next seven days, and then I would put Beachside behind me. I was done with Florida. I was done with Ro.

I’d return to Ohio, but I wasn’t sure where I would go from there. There was some semblance of recovery, though.

I now knew there was more to life than drugs and alcohol. I had learned to trust again, found out the real meaning of love, and that heartbreak wasn’t something that would kill me. I learned that nothing I could ever do—self-harm, drugs, sex—would hurt as bad as losing Ro. Maybe that was all I needed. Maybe that had been my lesson.

Maybe I could move on.

I hated every second of being separated from Wren, but I knew it was best for her. She needed to complete the program, but what I hoped would only be a couple more weeks ended up being months. I wasn't privy to why she was held back, but I guess I shouldn't have been shocked. She had been through the wringer, and Lisa probably had a field day with Wren’s trauma being brought to light.

Still, I held strong and waited for her. Letting the process do its thing. She needed to be able to have the choice to leave without me weighing on her mind. I had to be prepared for her to forget about me because there was a real chance it would happen.

Beachside had requested I take a leave of absence in which I would still get paid, but I wouldn’t have to work. But I would’ve taken seeing Wren every day over a paycheck. She’d become so etched into my soul I didn’t know how to express myself without her.

I’d been an intolerable prick to Lip for the past couple of months, and I knew I was wearing out my welcome. He continued to put up with me, though. Even supplying me at night with something to smoke so I would mellow the fuck out.

It ate away at me, thinking Wren might believe I had dropped her in lieu of keeping my job when it couldn’t be further from the truth. This was about what was best for her, and I would always put her first. This was what happened when you fell in love. You put the other person ahead of your needs. Wren made me feel like she needed me like the next hit of a drug, like she needed air to breathe. She made me feel whole, like something I’d been missing for years.

Wren was the first one who’d seen me, splayed out and on display for her consumption. I didn’t know feelings ran this deep until she walked back into my life like a ghost, bringing up old emotions and feelings I’d tampered down over the years.

I had hated her, wanted her to burn for all the things she’d put me through, but the truth was she was as broken as me. The little princess wasn’t actually royalty. She was simply a girl, waiting for something, anything to bring her to life. For Wren, it was the taste of whiskey on her tongue and the feel of cocaine as it slid smoothly through her veins like velvet.

For me, it was getting the fuck out of the hellhole I lived in with Kane. But this path I’d been traveling on seemed so wrong for so many years. It wasn't until she showed up that I knew I was on the right path. She was meant to come back into my life and heal me, heal us.

I loved all the sides of Wren—the feisty and hateful, the sad, the happy, the turned on. All of her fit into my life like the last piece of a puzzle needed to complete it.

I tried to keep my distance, to prove to her she wasn’t right for me. To prove I wasn’t right for her, but all of the excuses faded the first time I saw her come. The very first time my lips found hers.

I found myself daydreaming of her all the time as I sat on the beach, just for the sake of feeling a little bit closer to her. Not just any beach, our beach. I’d been there every day since I left.

Some days, I would see her sitting by the water, watching for me, waiting for me to appear. But I couldn’t do it.

“Just a little longer, Wren.”I’d whisper into the air around me.

The way her shoulders shuddered as she sat alone told me what I needed to know. She’d reverted to her old self—isolated and alone. I didn’t have to be next to her to see the signs of her shutting down. She needed me, and it sliced me open to sit here when I should be over there comforting her and telling her it was okay.

Charges were pressed charges against Kane, which was easy once they found traces of his cum in Wren’s mouth. He was sitting in a jail cell, waiting for his time in front of a judge. I had hoped he’d be locked up for good, but if for some bizarre reason his case was dismissed, I would protect Wren with my life. I told her I would kill him, and I’d keep my promise.

The only thing I knew for sure was I was in love with Wren Carrington, and I hadn’t even told her how I felt. I needed to be sure it was more than an addiction for her. I didn’t want to be her addiction. I wanted to be her forever.

* * *

---