Page 45 of Fated

“What?”

“For ten years. He has three kids, a wife. They live in Singapore.”

“Hell. Fi, what—?” He cut himself off with a vicious swear, but then, seeing my expression, he stopped, lifted his hand, and then let it drop.

“How?” he asked, and I don’t know if he meant how did I find out, how could Joel have done something like this, or how could I have been so trustingly stupid to fall for it.

In that moment I hated Joel and I hated myself, and even for a millisecond, I hated my pregnancy, because if it hadn’t happened then I’d still be blind and happy and loved.

I dropped my head, shame making me shake. “I told him we’d have to get married earlier than we planned. I didn’t want to be showing at the wedding, and he ... he told me to get rid of it, and when I said I didn’t want to, he ... he said I was ...” I stopped at the rigid line and the restrained rage on Daniel’s face. “It doesn’t matter. In the end he told me he has a family already, our engagement was a sham, and I wasn’t ever meant to be anything but the other woman.”

“Fi,” he said, and I could hear the helpless rage in his voice, cresting over the crashing waves.

“I don’t know what to do. It hurts and I don’t know what to do.” I wrapped my arms around my middle, conscious there was someone there, a baby growing inside me.

I was bewildered, full of stunned disbelief, that someone I had loved so well and for so long could drop me, discard me, so easily, so quickly. It was as if I’d plunged from the sheer red cliffs behind me and smacked to the rocks, cracking open. It hurt so much I could barely breathe, and the pain wasn’t fading.

I thought maybe if I did get rid of the pregnancy, if I did wipe it all away, then this pain would be easier to forget. Maybe I could forget I’d been discarded, not once but twice, in my life by the people I loved most.

But then I knew that wasn’t the answer. Deep inside, I knew this baby, she or he, would be someone I’d love. I’d love them very much, and even if it hurt, it wouldn’t always hurt. Not this much.

And when I looked at them I wouldn’t see my pain or my shame or how dirty I felt for being used, but instead I’d see ...

I pictured the cool waters of the lake, the calm, mirrorlike surface with silver mist rising in the morning. Not these turbulent waves, but a restful, peaceful lake.

...I’d see someone I loved.

“I want her,” I whispered then, my hand clenched and my voice raw. “Or him. I do. But I don’t ...I don’t know how. I don’t know if I can do it. I’m scared. I don’t think I can do it on my own.”

I was filled with so much bewildered pain and overwhelming grief, and yes, even rage. And fear. I didn’t know if I could manage it on my own.

“I don’t think I can raise a baby on my own.”

Daniel looked at me then, and I saw him as that chubby toddler the first day we met. Then he reached over, took my hand, and said, “Then we’ll do it together.”

“All right. Together.”

And then I wept. And Daniel held me.

I think of all the brothers in the world, I was given the best.

I look out now, over Lake Geneva, to Daniel tossing Mila in the air, with her shrieking happily on her way down to the water.

God, I love them so much.

Daniel sees me watching and waves his hand. “Come on, Fi! The water’s great!” He grins. “You’ll get used to it!”

I wouldn’t dive in. Not usually.

But I think maybe that island dream has helped me. Because for the first time in years I want to jump in. I want to join them in the cold water.

I stand and pull off my cotton beach dress, revealing a black bikini to the gentle summer sun and the cool lake breeze dragging across my skin.

“Mummy!” Mila shouts, her voice filled with delight as I stick a toe in the icy water.

Is the island exorcising my demons? Is Robert helping me finally banish the specter of Joel? Or was it that kiss with McCormick in the soft, salty sea that has me wanting to dive into the cool, fresh water?

I don’t know.

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