Perhaps it’s too late. Perhaps it was never meant to be, and she is just ready to leave. Maybe no matter what I do, she won’t change her mind.

I feel the worry and stress sitting in the pit of my stomach.

“Yefim, do you think we can just sit for a bit at a restaurant or something?” Tia asks after a few hours of shopping and a silence growing between us.

“Of course, what do you feel like?”

“Maybe some seafood?”

I lead her to one of the nearby seafood restaurants and we sit in heavier silence, trying not to look at each other, both knowing the inevitable but obviously feeling too awkward to talk about it. Maybe she feels bad asking for the divorce? Perhaps she noticed that I started feeling something for her and she is struggling to confess she wants to leave because she knows it would hurt me.

I don’t want her to stay with me out of pity.

I’m not that man.

***

Lunch is actually horrible. Not the food. The food is great. But the tension in the air between us only seems to get worse after our day of shopping.

I drive us home with a heavy silence sitting between us.

I have to accept it—she doesn’t feel the same way I feel, and she clearly never will. Perhaps right from the beginning she was too good for me, her innocence never fitting into my world like I imagined it could.

At home, Tia goes straight to the library again. Her bags of shopping and new things are left in the bedroom, untouched, uninteresting to her.

I can’t take this. I’m driving myself crazy with these stupid looping thoughts.

If it’s over between us then it needs to be now. It can’t carry on like this because I’ll end up going insane. If she wants to leave, she has to go today.

I’ll help her with whatever she needs, I’ll get her a place, but I can’t be this close to her knowing she doesn’t want what I want.

But the thought of her moving out crushes me.

No. I won’t let her.

I’m pacing up and down the hallway outside the library.

I want to talk to her, I want to tell her what’s going on inside my head, but I think it will only make things worse for both of us when the time comes to walk away.

“Yefim?” Tia calls from inside the library room.

I pause, mid-step. “Yeah?”

“Why are you pacing? You’ve walked past the door about twenty times.”

I close my eyes for a moment, then walk towards the open doorway. Standing in the doorway, I stare at her. Her book is resting on her lap, her finger holding her place on the page she was reading. She’s leaning slightly forward in the oversized armchair, tilting her head towards me with curiosity.

“What’s going on?” she asks when I don’t say anything. Her eyes are narrowed, her brows knotted.

I want her to understand what she does to my heart.

I sigh and step into the library, walking slowly towards her, my thoughts running wild.

Standing over her, I look down into her beautiful eyes. They pull me in every time.

“Tia…"

I can’t find the words. I don’t know what to say. It’s going to make everything worse. You are going to push her all the way away from you. I run my hand through my hair, clenching my jaw in frustration.