Page 123 of The Glass Girl

I’m writing this letter to you to apologize to you. They have us write letters here to people we have wronged in the course of our addictions. I still don’t think I am an addict, but yeah, there might be a problem.

I’m thinking of you because I treated you in a bad way, and also because I made a friend here, and she ran away. I miss her, and Imiss you.

I was thinking today that there are only two reasons I agreed to come here. One was that after you left the hospital that day, I was really afraid I would never get to be your friend again. You said if Ididn’t do this, if I didn’t try, that we would be over and done, because I had lied and betrayed you and hurt myself and in the process hurt you. And you were right. I was hurting the both of us. And I didn’t want to lose you.

The second reason was that after you left, my parents did what they always do: they yelled and screamed at each other about whose fault I was, et cetera, et cetera, and if I’m being completely honest, I just wanted to get the hell away from the both of them. I think I actually said that to the counselor. I can’t remember. It’s all a little fuzzy now and I still had a lot of alcohol in my system.

Thank you for scaring the shit out of me by telling me you wouldn’t be my friend. I know that’s a weird way to put it, but it’s true. And I’m sorry for the many ways I have hurt you. I have toaccept that my actions might have ruined our friendship forever. That’s on me.

It’s all right if you don’t write back. One of the counselors, Tracy, said that sometimes you care about people, but they slip away anyway, and you have to let them go. I don’t feel that way about you, but I understand if you feel that way about me.

Love, bella

P.S. I met a boy. I know. I know. I’m the problem, it’s me.

P.P.S. I’m going to make Fire tomorrow. I’m still not sure exactly what that means, but maybe someday I can tell you about it.

Day Twenty

The first thing theydo after waking you up on Fire Day is make sure you’re prepared for Fire Night. There is no Chuck on Fire morning. You do not have to run, because presumably, all the walking and hiking and trying to not kill yourself out in the wilderness will be enough activity for you.

Phil runs a backpack check. Everyone gets a very big pack to lug around on this adventure. He walks the room, checking our supplies.

Parkas, hats, two pairs of thick socks, jeans, hiking boots, winter hat, warm gloves. I don’t have hiking boots, so he sends Gideon to the lost and found to find me some.

I slip them on. They’re a little too big and feel heavy on my feet, but Phil says they’ll do.

Rolls of toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and a small shovel that fits in your backpack.

“So you can dig a hole and do your business and then bury it,” Phil explains helpfully.

“Lovely,” I say. “This gets better by the minute.”

Backpack, personal tent, first-aid kit, flashlight, wool blanket, sleeping bag, tarp, mat, knife, bottles of water, and packets of dried food for snacks.

Brandy looks at the knives.

“Are you going to make us, like, catch and kill and cook our food?”

“Maybe,” Phil says. “Want to?”

He winks.

She pales.

“No,” he says, patting her on the shoulder. “The food will be taken care of. No killing out there.”

The second thing is eating. You don’t have to cook that day. You do get breakfast, though, and Phil says to load up, so Brandy eats three helpings of everything. I try to eat, but I’m still thinking about Holly. She should be here with us, since she was part of our core group.

I hope she made it somewhere safe.

Gideon is strangely quiet as we eat. She liked her Fire experience, so I thought she’d be more excited for us, but all she says is “Good luck.”

We meet outside. There are six of us: me, Billy, Brandy, Josh, Charlotte, and Nick. Phil and Tracy are our guides.

“Single file,” Phil calls out. “Keep up. We have a long way to go until we can take a break.”

I sigh. The pack is heavy and it’s hard to keep good balance with it on. I’m behind Brandy and Charlotte, who seem to be having no problem.

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