Page 164 of Promise Me Not

“And, Chase?”

He glances over his shoulder.

“Ice that thing, will you?”

Chase chuckles, looking down at his knuckles. He shrugs, a grin pulling at his lips. “Couldn’t have my quarterback getting injured.”

I nod. He nods.

And I watch them drive away, hoping to hell letting her go today isn’t something I’ll regret tomorrow, but if I know her like I think I do, this is far from the end.

I’d even argue it’s the opposite.

But only time will tell.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

Payton

Now,November

The nightmy son was born, I dreamed of the boy I created him with. We were so happy, holding our newborn baby boy and imagining all the times ahead. We talked about which of us he’d be most like and who we thought he’d resemble as the years went by. We went over everything for hours, and when I woke, it was with a sense of peace that maybe not all was lost.

Deaton might be gone, but he was still there in my dreams, and in my dreams, I could hold on to him. I could tell him about his little boy and how magnificent he was. I could share all I wanted to share, and he would be right there, eager to listen.

In my dreams, he could live on forever.

And then Mason came into the picture, my picture. Somewhere along the way, we went from strangers to friends to more. Guilt wanted me to hold on to the past, but my subconscious was already looking toward the future.

The moment I fell for Mason, the fragile figments of my imagination finally shattered, the pieces carried away by the winter wind, scattering the metaphorical ashes of the boy who taught me how to love. The boy who showed me so much of it, the black hole I felt I lived in finally shone a little brighter.

He was my light, and when I realized what had happened in his wake, I felt like I covered him in darkness. Dirtied his memory by daring to endanger it because the truth was hard to face, because the truth is…

If Deaton was the light, then Mason is the sun.

He’s a life-changing constant, a forever presence of warmth and growth.

And how could I possibly survive without the center of my personal solar system?

The simple answer: I couldn’t.

The minute I left Mason standing in the grass, the look of utter devastation drawn across his face, I knew what I needed to do, the possibility of what Alister had been led to believe having shocked some sense into me. It shouldn’t have taken the thought of Mason with another woman to do so, but here we are.

I realize now that while I was so busy trying to protect myself from the possibility of losing Mason, something I know I would never survive, I was the one making it a reality.

The world didn’t take him from me.

I took him from myself, breaking us both, and that’s a weight I’ll have to carry.

I let fear drive me forward, and in turn, I shoved him back when I should have held on, allowing him to hold me up the way he’d been asking to.

No more, Mase.

It took me two days to work things out, to get ahold of Sarah and Ian, Nate’s parents, to help with Deaton and another to convince them not to tell my dad I was en route. He means well, but that’s a whole other issue I just don’t have the energy or headspace to unpack right now. I guess I’m a little less forgiving of how he let my mother keep me away now that I have a child of my own.

You don’t walk away. You walk through the damn fire to get to your baby.

But again, that relationship isn’t something I have the energy to think about. My childhood already played a big enough role in the headspace I live in. The last thing I want is to take a step backward when I’ve finally found the strength to hit the incline.

---