Page 150 of Promise Me Not

“Mase,” I whisper, glancing at the others and back. “What are we doing?”

Mason swallows, his thumb rubbing circles over mine. “Whatever you want.”

“But what do you want?”

“You. Him.” His answer is instant. Sure.

Absolute.

It’s as exhilarating as it is alarming. How could he be so certain? “You’re so young?—”

“Older than you, Pretty Little.”

“You know what I mean,” I murmur, my heart rate doubling. “This is my life. I made choices that led me here, and I understand my responsibilities. I welcome them now, but you…” I trail off, Mason’s head shaking as if to deny or refute my words, but they’re true.

I am a mother.

I have a son.

He is my life, and every decision I make will be with him in mind. Those decisions won’t always be easy, and sometimes, they’ll be sacrificial, but I am prepared for that. It’s my reality.

It’s not his.

It doesn’thaveto be his.

“You can walk away anytime you want, you know,” I manage to say. “You have no obligation here.”

“Stop.”

“I’m serious.”

“So am I.” He frowns, pulling away and pushing to his feet, but only so he can come closer and tug me to mine. His hand comes around me, cupping the back of my neck, and he holds my gaze to his. “My father told me once a man worthy of the woman he wants lives and functions one way and one way only. It made no sense to me before, and I kind of thought he was crazy, but I get it now. He said when I knew, I’d be selfish.”

An unexpected laugh leaves me. “That is…not the philosophical line I was expecting. I was waiting for something earth-shatteringly profound.”

“My dad is more about action than words.” He grins but quickly grows somber once more. “But it’s true, Pretty Little. I feel it. When it comes to you, to both of you, I am selfish. I want all your time. All your tears. All your smiles. I want all of you, always, and I don’t want to share. I’m a good five seconds from going over there and killing my sister’s mood ’causeIwant to show Little D the fish and the ducks, andIwant to hold his little hands while he pretends like he’s walking on his own across the bridge. Because I’m selfish. Because I know what I want.” His eyes hold mine, his thumb running along my cheek. “I want you. Any way you’ll let me. Always.”

Before I can respond or break down in tears, as I’m pretty sure they’re coming, Ari and Noah rejoin us.

The conversation quickly shifts, and for the rest of the afternoon, I find all I’m waiting for is when the three of us can go up to our room, grab our things, and head back to the Avix campus to spend the last few hours we have together locked away in Mason’s room.

My lips curve as I peek over at Mason, Deaton now locked in his lap.

I guess he’s not the only one feeling a little selfish.

The moment the thought enters, a second, sobering one follows.

I’m not allowed to be selfish.

I have a child to think about.

His future to consider.

To be the best mom I can, to protect him from another potential loss, I can’t be selfish.

I have to be selfless.

It’sa little after ten when I finally move Deaton into the playpen. I kept him on the bed as long as I could, trying to make sense of the million thoughts and concerns and worries working their way through my mind.

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