Page 122 of Promise Me Not

This means something, though, doesn’t it?

She told Paige what she wanted, and what she wanted was my number included with his name.

She didn’t tell me, didn’t show me, but maybe she will?

Maybe tomorrow when I get off that field, I’ll have one of those texts from her, the ones I looked forward to all last season but have yet to get this time around.

Too bad whenthe end of the game comes, the only messages I have are from my parents. Suddenly, the epic win under my belt and relief in my hand, thanks to the cortisone shot my trainer gave me after Coach saw me wringing it out on my way off the field, mean jack shit.

The weight on my chest is heavier than I expected, a fucked-up sense of dread burning through me like whiskey without a chaser.

My restraint slips, and I send a message of my own.

Me: Happy first Halloween, little man. I wish I could have seen you tonight.

I hit Send and toss my phone in my bag, where I plan to leave it for the night, the thought of no response too much for me right now.

There’s a huge after-party happening tonight to celebrate the end of Oregon’s reign over us, but I won’t be there.

How can I celebrate a win when I’m drowning in the weight of loss?

I need to get some shit off my chest, have a conversation I should have had a while ago, and I know just where to go to have it.

My phone ringsfor the third time, but I ignore it, just like the others, and finally put my Tahoe in park.

The minute my seat belt is thrown off, my skin pricks with nerves, and I close my eyes, dropping my head back against the headrest. My knee starts to bounce, and the ache in my hand decides to flare up again, likely from the death grip I had on the wheel the whole drive.

Our quarterly check-ins from our professors went in this morning, and I know the minute I get back to campus I’ll be fucked in yet another aspect of my life, but I’m not going to worry about that right now.

I drove all through the night for a reason.

Pulling in a lungful of air, I step from the vehicle. As if this shit wasn’t ominous already, a storm cloud rolls overhead, rumbling its warning of what’s to come.

I’ve never been real good with warnings, though. Never been able to switch to chill mode like my friends. I run at a hundred all day, every day, in every aspect of my life. It’s likely what got me here, and while I can’t say it’s a comfortable place to be, I wouldn’t trade it. Incessant, overbearing sense of fucking failure or not, I want every part of it.

It can only be a fraction of what she’s felt over the year, right?

My feet meet the curb, and I look to the sky, praying for the first time in a long time I’m not making a mistake, while knowing he and I would be the only people aware of it if I were.

Before I can bitch out or tell myself this is stupid and solves nothing, I push forward, counting the rows vertically, then horizontally until I’m stepping in front of a stone plaque, so large I could have spotted it without the map ingrained in my mind.

Sighing, I drop onto my ass, hanging my arms over my bent knees as I stare at the wet green grass near my feet.

“Hey, man.” I clear my throat, blowing my cheeks up with air and releasing it slowly. A dry chuckle leaves me, and I wince. “This is fucked-up,” I mumble, shaking my head.

I nearly stand but grit my teeth and talk myself out of it, instead sitting there silently for way too long. So long, the rain spills from the clouds, falling over me and adding to the weight I’m already carrying.

“You don’t want to hear this, do you?” I mumble. “You don’t want to hear how the girl you left behind has become the most important person in my life. Or that I think I felt it even when you were the one holding her hand while I watched from across the beach like a fucking creep.” I pluck a piece of grass and toss it. “You don’t want to hear how in the months that followed your death, she was breaking over and over again because all she wanted was to have you back, and all I wanted was to take your place. I wanted her to let go of you so she could grab on to me.” A revolted chuckle leaves me, and I look away. “Fucked-up, right? What kind of man falls for a girl who’s already on her knees?”

I stare at nothing for a long while, images of her flashing through my mind from the first day we met to the night I slipped out without her knowing and everything that happened in between.

“I didn’t know what I was doing, and I didn’t know how to stop it. Believe me, I tried. When I first got to Avix last year, I masked it all. I smiled and laughed. I went out and did the whole college thing, but when morning came and reality set back in, she just…slid right back into my mind. I tried to give her space because I was here and she was there and our lives were so fucking different, but it didn’t matter, and sooner than she was ready for, I was all in.

“No one knew.” I scoff. “Shit, most still don’t. They suspect, but they don’t know the half of it. I’m different now. Better because of her.” My lips twitch. “Better because of him.”

A low laugh leaves me, and I shake my head.

“He’s something else. Big and strong. He looks just like you, man, but with his mama’s eyes.” I blink hard, taking a deepbreath, looking up at the cold stone before me with a smile. “I think you would have hoped for that.”

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