Page 42 of Tiers of Joy

“What am I supposed to do without clothes?” I ask.

“I have jumpers and t-shirts you can borrow. I just can’t help you out in the underwear department.” He states.

“Does Amy keep any clothes here that I could borrow?” I ask.

“She doesn’t stay here.” He answers back.

“Oh.” I answer because I'm not sure what else to say.

“I'm sorry Eloise called you last night to pick me up. I…I wasn’t in the best place and I should have just gone back to the shop. If I had I wouldn’t be here now and you wouldn’t be stuck with me.” I apologise.

“Eloise didn’t call me. I was on a date with Amy in the bar the entire time.” He states.

I slam my head down on the counter and head butt myself over and over.

“Oh god. I'm so so sorry. How busy was it in the bar?” I ask, my face pressed against the counter.

He moves around and lifts my face, cupping it in his hands.

“Don’t apologise, ever. It doesn’t matter who was there. I'm the one who is sorry. I left you alone for my own selfish reasons when you were still in so much pain. You're not alone Esme.”

He wipes away my tears, tears that I hadn’t realised were falling. He pulls me to him, holding me tight. I wrap my arms around him and let the tears fall.

I need this: to be held, to be comforted, to feel safe.

I lift my face up to look at him. His eyes are searching mine.

“Thank you.” I whisper.

He wipes my tears away with his thumb. The air shifts around us.

My eyes drop to his mouth and he moves slowly closer. His lips are just millimetres from mine. I close the distance and kiss him. He kisses me back. I moan as his tongue strokes mine. He trails kisses along my neck, nipping at my skin.

I freeze. What am I doing? I'm such a slut. Gaige notices and stops.

“Esme.” He rasps.

“What am I doing? I can't do this. The day after the anniversary of Jay’s death! And Amy! Oh god, I'm a horrible person.” I push at Gaige’s chest. He steps back and I run past him to the bathroom.

I slam the door shut and lean against the sink. Shit, shit, shit! My heart is beating wildly in my chest. I enjoyed the kiss, too much, and I wanted more. Oh god! He's with someone else and I'm not ready for a relationship. Am I?

“Esme.” Gaige knocks on the door.

I open the door and see a deflated Gaige standing in front of me.

“Gaige…I…” I sigh.

“I’m sorry. It shouldn’t have happened. It won’t happen again. Please don’t repeat this to Amy.” Gaige says before walking away.

I feel like I've just been slapped. He’s right, of course, it shouldn’t have happened. He’s with Amy. Why am I so disappointed by that? Maybe it’s because he’s a solid figure. He held me and comforted me. Maybe it’s that. Yes, it has to be that. I'm just missing that part of life.

After my mental pep talk I go around the house in search of Gaige. I find him sprawled out watching ice hockey in the lounge.

I sit next to him.

“So which team do you want to win?” I ask.

“The Maple Leafs.” He answers, his gaze never leaving the screen.

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