Page 107 of Tiers of Joy

“They look exactly the same.” I look at the shade on the front of the tin.

“No they don’t. Hazel Nut Cream is slightly lighter.” I point at it.

“Then go with the lighter one. Keep the room nice and light for the baby.” He states.

I smile.

“Yup, you're right.” I agree. Gaige takes the tin from me and we grab a few other bits for the bakery too.

“Want to swing by the baby store?” Gaige asks.

“Yes!” I clap excitedly.

“Wow! What does this do?!” I ask, holding up a weird contraption looking thing. “Oh look, it tickles.” I say holding it on my face; it sucks my cheek. The sales assistant walks up with a disgusted look on her face.

“That’s a breast pump.” She points out.

I try to throw it off of my cheek but I must have accidentally knocked the settings, making the suction harder.

“Ow! Son of a bitch! Gaige, get this titty draining machine off of me!” I squeal, leaning over with the thing hanging off of my face.

Gaige tries but in his efforts he increases the settings.

“Ow! Oh my god! Gaige help me! Get this bloody face hugger off of my face!” I scream.

The twat assistant rolls her eyes and walks over and turns the switch, turning it off. The evil boob machine stops immediately and falls off of my face and lands on the floor, breaking.

“That was like some evil alien breast pump! Did the Alien movies inspire them?” I pant.

“Umm you’re like, gonna have to pay for that.” The assistant demands.

“What?! That thing attacked me! It attacked my face. Thank the lord it wasn’t my breast because I fear I may have lost a nipple! Then how would I breast feed? With no nipples?! Huh? That thing is lethal! I have a mind to complain to the manager. In fact, I’m going to film it and post it all over social media about the face hugging killer breast pump!” I rant, pulling out my phone.

I don’t look at Gaige but out of the corner of my eye I can see his shoulders shaking with his contained laughter.

The manager walks over, curious as to what’s going on with the scene I'm causing.

“What on earth happened here?” He asks.

I tell him and show my face which I’m sure is either red or possibly covered in a huge hickey.

“We shall remove the product from the shelves immediately. Please accept our apology in the way of one-hundred dollars of store credit.” He apologises.

“Well, that’s appreciated. Thank you.” I take the voucher and poke my tongue at the assistant as Gaige places his arms around my shoulders and guides me off to the other side of the store.

“Please tell me how you managed to get your face basically sucked off because you put the pump there and then come away with an apology and one-hundred dollars of credit?” Gaige asks.

“It’s for damages! Do I have a giant hickey on my face?” I ask, turning my head for him to look.

“No, it’s just a little red.” He smiles.

“I wonder how many dads have shoved their dicks in that thing? I swear its suction is stronger than a vacuum cleaner!” I giggle.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

“Look at you! You’re getting a proper little bump now.” A customer rubs my belly.

Why do people think that it’s okay to do that? I mean, men don’t high five each other’s dicks when they’re congratulated on getting their girlfriend or wife pregnant! I know people are just being nice stroking my bump, but when it’s people I hardly know or don’t know at all, it’s just annoying. I don’t know where their hands have been!That’s it Karen, you give that arse of yours a good old scratch and then stroke my pregnant belly.

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