Page 5 of Tiers of Joy

I don’t speak or look at anyone at the funeral. My eyes never leave the coffin. As the curtains go around the coffin, panic sets in.

“No! No!” I cry. Jumping up out of my chair I go to the coffin: to Jay.

I drape myself over the coffin. Sally tries to pull me from him.

“Come on sweetie.”

“No! I'm not ready, I can't say goodbye. He was supposed to be my forever and always! He lied. He promised me.” I cry.

“He promised” I whisper.

Sally, with tears streaming down her face, envelopes me in her arms and cries with me.

Everyone else leaves, we are completely alone. Sally leans back and wipes her tears.

“You have to say goodbye Esme. I'm sorry but you do. He’s gone, but his memory will live with you forever and always.” She squeezes my hand.

“Give me a minute?” I ask.

She nods and leaves me alone.

I place my hand on the coffin and wipe my tears.

“I wish I could hold you. I wish this were all a horrible nightmare. I don’t know what to do without you. My entire life is you. I'm not sure who I am without you. I will love you forever and always. Sleep tight Jay.”

Chapter Two

The months that followed I was like a robot; I wasn’t living, I merely existed. I didn’t know how to live without Jay. Sally helped me as much as she could, but I wasn’t myself. I’d lost the other part of me and all I felt was emptiness.

It’s a Sunday afternoon and I’m still in my pyjamas, watching Jay’s favourite films. The curtains are closed and empty takeaway cartons and wine bottles fill the coffee table.

The doorbell rings and I shuffle towards the door, expecting it to be Sally. I open the door and am surprised to see Frank, Jay’s father, standing in front of me.

“Esme, can I come in?” He asks.

I stand to the side and let him in. He walks into the lounge and I don’t miss the shock on his face at the state of the place.

I sit down, not caring, and press play to continue watching the movie.

“Esme, can I talk to you for a moment?” He presses pause on the TV.

I turn to him as he takes a seat.

“I know you're hurting. Believe me, I know…but Jay wouldn’t want this for you. He would want you to live your life, not mourn him.” He says gently.

“What would you know about your son? You barely spoke to him unless it was to do with the business. You hated him and I being together, so why would you give a shit?!” I snap.

“I deserve that, I know I do. Jay came to see me after he was diagnosed.”

That news has me sitting up straight.

“What?” I ask in disbelief.

“He came to the office. He told me about the diagnosis. We talked, cleared up a lot of things. We even hugged.” He smiles.

My eyes are wide. I don’t think Frank has ever hugged Jay in his entire life.

“Anyway, he asked me to give you this.” He pulls out a white envelope.

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